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12+ Mature Content

Pain- Part I

by Kazeybear


The hole in your heart grows deeper each day,

for the pain is never driven away.

The black in your eyes grows wider and wider.

Their comments seem to grow snider and snider.

The ones that you loved are gone from your life,

frustrated they are by the pain of the knife.

The blade seems to gleam in the bright sunlight.

The blood that you draw is darker than night.

You find no relief but for pain you scream.

The blade of that knife with feel like a dream.


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16 Reviews


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Wed Apr 26, 2017 4:22 pm
Keumgan wrote a review...



Hi there, Keumgan popping by for a review.

I find this poem straight to the point, quite expressive, and despite being short, it's vivid with imagery. As someone who has experienced depression in the past, I think you did a great job portraying depression as it really is. Your use of short, brief sentences is actually a good way of showing that a person who has depression is usually withdrawn, rather silent about their pain, and they won't elaborate much since the comments they receive are rarely helpful (such as "it gets better", "you should be more positive", and so on). I really like your poem. Thank you!




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Sat Jul 30, 2016 1:38 am
CateRose17 says...



I feel like you can paint with words and it would be a gigantic masterpiece that would put most artists to shame. You pulled me through what would seem a nightmare and a dream entangled into one. You're straight forward with your words, it's beautiful. Now, off to read your other works!




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Wed Jul 27, 2016 7:02 am
BraidenEllis wrote a review...



Heyo! Here for a review!

First off, hoo boy this was a bleak poem (which is what I usually read, being honest). the message in it was really dark, and I loved how you din't try to sugar coat depression and how "It always get's better." That message is nice, but it is over-hyped. In this poem, you show depression in a mature way and describe it as having "no relief," which is how it unfortunately is for some people.

I din't see any grammatical errors, no spelling errors, and no odd sounding phrasing. Really just a top notch poem, overall. Keep up the good work, and keep writing and sharing your work!

~Braiden




Kazeybear says...


Thanks Braiden!

~Kazey



BraidenEllis says...


Any time!



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Tue Jul 26, 2016 3:07 am
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outoftime wrote a review...



Hey there. I'm here to review your poem! I read part two and immediately wanted to read its predecessor, so that's great right there.

This is amazing, and I think it has a lot of potential. My favorite line is definitely your last one-- "the blade of that knife with feel like a dream". Throughout the piece, you pull us in and out of reality, and that line really connected the two worlds for me. Really masterful writing right there.

Anyway. Onto some stuff I think you could change! Keep in mind that all of this stuff is 100% optional and I'm no expert. Just want to help you in any way I can~

I was confused by some of your phrasing until I realized the syllabic pattern you've constructed here. Just quickly: your 5th and 6th line are different lengths. You may want to edit to adjust that, unless that was a conscious choice you made. But other than that, I love it. The mirroring of these lines just adds to the rhyming you've got going on here, and it's great. The poem feels stronger/more cohesive because of it.

One thing I'd love to see more of is imagery. I'm very impressed by what you've done so far but I feel like you can stretch yourself more with these descriptions, and maybe add a single physical image for us, the readers, to focus on. I wouldn't ask this if I weren't sure that you could do even better.

And I'll say the same thing for rhyming. You're doing multi-syllabic rhyming here, very impressive, but I think you could go even further here and really start to play around with your word choice. Something that helps me out and is kind of fun is to write a poem using words just as words, and choosing them just based off their sound. Forget about their meanings!

Train your brain to think this way. Pick through syllables, letters, words, then sentences. Read out loud. Practice tongue twisters and read rhyming couplets. /Then/ the real fun can begin! You can start to apply this method of thinking to your work here. Rhyming can be hard, but I think you're at the point where you can start really tearing this stuff apart in a good way. After you write, take each poem apart and play with the meanings of each word! Maybe do the thing I suggested! It's not only helpful, it's really fun.

Anyway. I really loved this. Please keep writing, reading, and sharing your work.




Kazeybear says...


Thanks out of time! I will take what youve said into account and I will hopefully continue improving.

~Kazey



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Mon Jul 25, 2016 5:23 pm
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DivergentDemigod wrote a review...



Hey kazey! Just saw your message in the "general review requests" n thought I'll check u out... So here we go!

It's obvious that your poem is about victim of depression(right? Pardon me if it's wrong though)

I get what you wanted to say, the message was clear and well so you can take that as a pro :).

Even though I think that you did a fair job trying to get your point across to your readers, I feel that you could have done much more.

You see that's the thing about creative writing -it has no bounds. You can do whatever you feel like however you feel like. N this poem, I guess due to the rhyming scheme got a bit restricted.
Don't take it the wrong way, I don't intend to discourage you or something, but I'm sure that amazing mind of yours could do much much better.

This poem has a lot of potential- that's for sure, but I believe that even the best could be made better.

Sadness n sucide is a vast topic, with so much to write about, what I suggest you is try bringing in imagination, use metaphors, n if possible try free verse poems.

The ones that you loved are gone from your life,
frustrated they are by the pain of the knife.


Dude, frankly speaking this made no sense to me.
It tells like you only used "the pain of knife" just because it rhymed with "life"
You could have definitely used some imagination here, I get you wanted to use pain here as a metaphor, but to what exactly u dint assure.

Also if you r trying to tell ur readers abt someone so depressed that to them dying seems better than living, I suggest u atleast give your readers a reason as to y he or she is so sad. Was it a heart break? Or maybe some sort of carrier failure? Was his parents or smoother close one dead? Give a reason behind, n I assure u people will get more attracted to it work.

All that being said, I would still like to appreciate the way your poems flows, it's pretty lyrical. (sans the not understanding part)

Hoping for the best!
NEVER QUIT WRITING
~DD

P.S.- I would love to read more of your works in th. Near future, n because I did this on my phone, plz pardon any mistakes :-P




Kazeybear says...


Thanks DD. I know exactly what you mean by giving a reason for the depression. I'm thinking I may make a second part to this poem in which I discuss that.

Thanks!
~Kazey





Cool! all the best for it :)



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Mon Jul 25, 2016 2:58 pm
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herbgirl says...



Hey! herbgirl here for a review here, before I have to go fill out paperwork -__- blah
Anyways, I liked this poem. It had a pretty good flow, which is something most writers tend to struggle with, but yours was in control. However, I felt that the topic you chose could be better represented with a few adjustments, maybe making the poem more impacting.
The first thing that you could adjust is very minor. In the fourth line, I suggest changing the words "seems to be" to "seem to grow" or maybe get rid of "seem to" completely and just use "grow". By repeating the word grow from the previous line you can emphasize how everything is just taking over, getting too big, getting out of control.
The next thing that could be changed was in the sixth line. The phrasing "frustrated they are by the pain of the knife" is a little confusing. I suggest replacing it with something like "frustrated by the pain of the knife."
Then, the last little grammatical things are in the last two lines. I suggest changing "You find no relief but for pain you scream" to something like "You find no relief but out of pain you scream" or "You find no relief but in pain you scream." And the last line could be "The blade of that knife still feels like a dream" or something similar, I'm not really sure what you meant there, but I'm sure it could be easily adjusted to be clearer. Sorry if this sounds like I'm tearing your poem apart, it's already very good, I just think these adjustments will make it even clearer to the reader.
The final thing that I would ask you to do isn't very specific, but you can try to incorporate it into this poem or into future poems. I would love to see more description or imagery. To me, this is what separates good poem from great poems. You have some imagery in here, like when you say "the blood that you draw is darker than night," but I feel like you could definitely add a little more.
Anyways, thanks for the read! It was very nice, I like your poem, keep up the good work!
herbgirl




Kazeybear says...


Thanks for your review. I will try to incorporate some of your changes. The last two lines mean that although you find no relief from pain you still desire it, yearn for it, scream for it, and when you get your hands on the knife, which causes pain, you feel relieved. Just to clarify...

Thanks!
~Kazey



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Mon Jul 25, 2016 1:13 pm
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SarcasticSpringRoll wrote a review...



ok so this is some good stuff here and I can tell that you have some true talent but to real here wen you said Their comments seem to be snider and snider that was a bit cheep but other then that you have some pretty good stuff here it is like pizza good and I love pizza!
you or pretty talented and the rimming is so good! And hay I think I will follow you case I think I REALLY like this and gess what I cant even rim so good for you doing this case I cant what so ever so keep it up and keep riming case like I said I cant vary few people can so good for you! :)




Kazeybear says...


Errm... Thanks, I guess?





what watt is rong with what i said?



Kazeybear says...


Nothing, I'm just taken aback that you like it





oh ya it is great but why is it weird that i like it?



Kazeybear says...


I have a lot of selfdoubt you see





oh i get it that is fin with me, but were you just not expecting someone to like your stuff?



Kazeybear says...


Yeah





oh ok that is fin well I am just a HAPPY person so don't take anything I said in a rong whay




But answer me this: how can a story end happily if there is no love?
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane