z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Cave - Chapter XI - Wakey-Wakey, Eggs and Bake-y!

by JuliasSneezer


     Julia groaned and turned over in her bed. Why did she have to wake up early? She knew that any second now, her brother would burst into the room and wake her up, saying that they had to go to school. The monkey, it was summer vacation. She pulled her silk covers up to her chin. Wait. Silk? She had itchy cotton! She then remembered everything that happened the night before.

     She opened her eyes up a bit. She was in a circular room, the floor was a large slab of marble. To her right, was a large wardrobe. To her left, was a desk laden with rolls of parchment, and pads of paper. A tapestry next to the wall depicted a bunch of seemingly random numerals. Next to it, was a flaming fireplace.

     She swung her legs over the side of her bed and realized that she wore her shoes to sleep. She stood, though her legs ached in protest. Out of sheer curiosity, she walked across the room and opened her wardrobe. Empty. She really wasn’t sure why, but she then sat at her desk. The chair was hard, and uncomfortable. She rummaged through the large drawer. There were half a dozen quills, two ink bottles, and three fountain pens. There was also a curious little knife. Julia figured that it was to cut away pieces of parchment.

     She cut away a square and drew a small smiley face. Using some paste she found in the drawer, she stuck it on the wall next to her bed. She smiled to herself half-heartedly. She really did do some random things sometimes. She opened up the large door with some effort, thinking: ‘They really need to make these lighter.’ Oliver was standing out there, looking down at a piece of paper.

     “Good morning, look what Lee left for us.” He handed Julia the piece of paper. It was written in slanted cursive.

Dear guys, whenever you finally wake up,

I’ll be eating breakfast wherever. I still have to find

the place where they do that stuff. So I’ll probably

be wondering aimlessly through the castle. Join me

when you can.

-Lee.

                                      P.S. I found gum in my pocket!

     “She wasn’t kidding, either.” Oliver said. He pointed to Lee’s bedroom door. “Look.”

     Julia laughed. The note had been stuck on using a freshly chewed wad of spearmint gum. “I hope that doesn’t get stuck on the door,”

     Oliver shrugged. “I wouldn’t care, actually. You ready for breakfast?”

     “Starving. Painful grief tends to do that to a person.” They walked down the hallways wordlessly. They were lost at first, and they resolutely decided against help from anyone in the castle until Julia’s stomach growled. Then Oliver stubbornly admitted that perhaps they should ask a guard for directions.

     Finally, they made their way to the dining room. Luke and Lee already sat there, eating. Well Luke was, Lee was just drinking a cup of the same dark liquid Phil was drinking last night. Matilde, Ackerley, Metis, Celeste, and Phil were also sat there, though there was a tense silence in the room.

     Naturally, Luke was totally oblivious to this. He was eating something that looked like black oatmeal. He looked up to Ackerley. “Hey, this is pretty good. What is this stuff?”

     Ackerley shifted his weight a little. “It’s called thelus.”

     Luke shrugged and ate another spoonful. “What’s it made of?”

     “You mix oatmeal and dried eel scales into it for seasoning. I am not a big fan of it, but there you are.”

     Luke swallowed the spoonful of thelus like he was trying to swallow a jumbo marble. He uneasily pushed the bowl away, which wasn’t a surprise, seeing as how that not only sounded disgusting, but  Luke was a die-hard vegan. “Sounds great, but I think I’ll pass.”

     Julia sat at the table next to Lee. She looked over the surface of the table, trying to find something familiar. There were breads with glazes, muffins, fruits, porridges, all sorts of things. Julia reached across the table and grabbed an apple. She looked over at Lee’s cup. “What’s that?”

     Lee took another sip of her drink. “It’s espresso.”

     Julia frowned. “But isn’t that a little… I don’t know, advanced?”

     Phil set down his own cup of espresso. “Not for me, I thought it was pretty hotsy-totsy myself, so I introduced espresso down here.”

     “Nice.” The table lapsed into awkward silence once again. Julia tried to silence the bites that she took out of her apple.

     “So… what are we going to do when we’re not mapmaking?” Oliver asked.

     Celeste folded up the napkin in her lap and tucked it underneath her plate. “You’ll be educated.”

     “In addition, you will be trained in sword fighting.” Metis added.

     “Why the sword fighting? I mean, not that it doesn’t sound super awesome, but I’m just wondering why.” Luke asked, reaching across the table for a croissant.

     “Well, you will be fighting alongside us.” Matilde answered. “In the war.”

***

Was that short? Short chapter! Not exactly eventful, but I've decided to divide each normal chapter into a half chapter. So... yeah! Comment, like it, enjoy it! Many thanks!


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Thu Sep 15, 2016 1:44 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello hello! Happy RevMo! :D I apologize that I haven't read the previous installments of this, so I'll be looking at it as a part of a greater whole.

Overall, I liked this chapter. I thought you did a nice job of balancing kind of a jovial, fun tone with somewhat serious events. After the first paragraph I thought this was going to be kind of a silly piece (which is fine) but I was pleasantly surprised.

I thought the way you described the scene over a few paragraphs there in the beginning was super clever. It's really boring to read paragraphs describing what a room looks like, but I loved that we saw it through the MC's eyes as they were experiencing it. I liked the mysterious quality of it with that lighter tone that I already mentioned. I'm sure it would be a little less mysterious had I read the previous chapter and knew how this individual got to this room. But to me it felt like this MC was a little out of their element and didn't remember much of the surroundings, so I really liked how you showed us the room.

When they get to breakfast I thought the conversation and interactions with all of the characters was nice. You kept it simple and to the point while still showing their individual personalities.

The biggest thing I'm wondering if you could add is more of Julia's feelings as she moves through this scene, interacts with her environment and with her friends. I think you have great style, but I think you could slow down and give me more Julia. After all, this is her story (or at least her scene) right? :)

The ending felt a little abrupt, but you mentioned that this is only the first half of the chapter? If that's the case, I think you'll be fine. I think this could stand alone as a chapter because of that great cliff hanger at the end, but if it did stand alone you would need to beef up the plot a little more to make it clear how the plot is advancing. You start to get there at the end with the conversation about what they'll be doing, but it goes by so fast and then the chapter ends. I hope that's something that gets expanded on in the rest of the chapter, and if not, I think that's something I would expand because it seems to be the focal point and the most important part of the chapter. I want to really understand what the plan is and why they are going to do what they're going to do.

I could get super nit-picky about wording or about minor details, but that's not always the most productive way to use a review :) I feel like overall this is a pretty solid chapter or part of a chapter and I feel like I didn't give you a lot of suggestions, so if you want some nit-picks I can go back and do that! And please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :D






Thank you so much! I really appreciate this review, and will try and incorporate more of your advise into future chapters.



Carlito says...


You're very welcome! Glad you found it helpful :D



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Wed Sep 14, 2016 7:45 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Hey there, JuliasSneezer! I'm here to review. :)

The monkey, it was summer vacation. She pulled her silk covers up to her chin. Wait. Silk? She had itchy cotton! She then remembered everything that happened the night before.
There's two things I'd like to mention about the above sentences. First, I think you should have an exclamation mark instead of a full stop after vacation. Of course, this isn't a grammar error, I just think the exclamation mark would better portray her inner voice's emotion. Secondly, I really love the way you introduce the new scene and bring the reader back to what happened previously. The realisation that she was no longer in her own bed was just really clever, to put it simply.

To her right, was a large wardrobe. To her left, was a desk laden with rolls of parchment, and pads of paper.
In both of these sentences, you've put commas after to her [direction]. These extra commas are not necessary; they actually destroy the nice flow of the sentences. A comma generally equals a breath taken by the reader, so try reading it out loud, adding in the breaths. They just don't make sense. Without the commas things flow much better.

Luke swallowed the spoonful of thelus like he was trying to swallow a jumbo marble.
I'm liking Luke's character! Out of all of them, I reckon he's my favourite. You've done a great job with all your characters, making them complex and unique, but Luke has such a bubbly, loveable personality. :D

A couple other things I liked about this chapter was the clever formatting of the letter text to make it set out exactly as it would be on paper. Also your dialogue, it was believable and each character had their own unique voice. Apart from the commas and that one nitpick, I didn't find anything else wrong with this chapter. Nice job!






Thank you! I'll try your advise about reading it aloud once I upload all the chapters. I really appreciate the review! :D




Stop being mean to your self-insert character, you're just being mean to yourself.
— WeepingWisteria