E - Everyone

The Cave - Chapter V - Piccolo Calamaro

     “Yes,” Jason said nervously. “I suppose that can happen, but the pain is only minor,”

     “Minor?!” Oliver shouted.

     “Oliver, relax. It’s okay,” Lee said.

     “Oh yeah, it’s not like my bone is snapping back into place or anything!” Oliver snapped.

     Lee pursed her lips.

     “Oliver, chill. You’re doing well,” Luke began.

     Oliver’s screaming ceased as soon as it began. He frowned, and lifted his leg. It was jointed perfectly.

     “And now you’re finished, so I’d guess you can stop screeching.” Luke shrugged.

     Jason clapped his hands yet again. “Excellent! Best treatment done yet!”

     “Thank you, sir.” Oliver said gratefully, swinging his legs over the side of the table. He stood and took a couple steps.

     “Slow down, son.” Jason warned. “The bones are still fragile. Even now, there’s sure to be some healing still done, what with reconstructing bone marrow. Take it easy with your movements.”

     Oliver nodded his head. “I will, thank you.”

     “How long should the treatment take?” Julia asked.

     Jason shrugged. “I don’t know. I haven’t had many customers for my treatments.”

     “Why not?” Luke asked. “It seemed to get the job done.”

     “My methods are considered questionable by most,” Jason said conversationally, cleaning up ingredients.

     “Though my grandfather is the best doctor in the world.” Gabriel boasted.

     Jason busied himself with cleaning, but he couldn’t keep a smile off his face. “Is that all you need, children?”

     “No.” Lee said. Julia turned to her and shot Lee a questioning glance. Lee gave her a small smile. “Do you know how to get Up-Above?”

     Jason turned toward Lee. “I’m afraid I don’t. However, there is someone who does, though it should be difficult to come into contact with him.”

     “Who?” Julia asked.

     “The king himself.” Jason answered.

     “Who’s this king guy?” Luke drummed his fingers on the table irritably. “I’m not a huge fan of this…” He made a vague gesture with his right hand. “… Ambiguity.”

     Next to Luke, Oliver smirked. Unbeknownst to Luke, Oliver had been trying to drum advanced vocabulary into Luke’s head all summer.

     “The king was the one to wander into this kingdom hundreds of years ago.” Jason sat, pulling his chair closer to the table. “I’m not sure how long exactly, but no one in this kingdom has been Up-Above in centuries.”

     “Why not?” Oliver inquired.

     Jason shrugged. “We never found a reason to. Down here, life is extended, and the four kingdoms get along swimmingly. The kingdoms haven’t been in war as long as anyone can remember.”

     “Wait. So you mean that there are three other of these caves?” Lee leaned against the table.

     Gabriel did the same across the table. “Not exactly caves per say, more of… chambers underground. The kingdom of Eau is located deep in the ocean, whereas the kingdom of Pecuária is partially above ground, though the majority is located in a chasm.”

     Julia blinked.

     “Wait,” Lee faced Gabriel. “What kingdom are we in?”

     “Molto.” Gabriel answered.

     Julia nodded, though she had no earthly clue what that meant. “What’s the last kingdom called?”

     “Eolas. The kingdom of knowledge.” Jason answered.

     “Knowledge?” Oliver asked.

     Gabriel nodded. “Each kingdom has a main export. For Eolas, it’s exports are most of the research findings, and miscellaneous such as clothing or parchment.”

     “What are the others?” Luke began tapping the table again.

     “Eau exports water, Ganado raises most livestock, and Molto unearths most precious metals and sends them to the other kingdoms, though most of it goes to Eolas to be crafted into weaponry and other items.”

     “Enough talk.” Jason said, “we need to get you four to the castle.”

     “Already?” Oliver asked,

     “Yes, we have already been talking for a half hour. If we ever want to end this discussion, then we must get started.”

     Julia nodded. “Just point us in the direction of the castle, and we’ll be on our way.”

     Jason frowned. “But what about payment for my services?”

     The four exchanged worried glances. Payment? They never thought about that, hadn’t even occurred to them. They hastily searched pockets. Lee sighed angrily, and dropped her arms to her sides.

     Julia unfastened the watch from her wrist, and held it out to Jason. “Here.”

     “What is this?”

     “It’s a watch.”

     “What is it used for?”

     “Telling the time.” Luke answered.

     “So it is like a time piece?” Jason asked, trying to fasten it onto his own wrist.

     “Kind of,” Oliver answered.

     “Guys, we have to go.” Lee said urgently. “Who knows how long it’s been since we left?”

     Gabriel straightened. “I’ll lead you four to the castle.”

     Julia looked toward him. “You really don’t have to,”

     “Oh, but I insist.” He smiled. He ran a hand through his hair, and walked over beside the doorway, unhooking a cloak off the wall and fastening it around his shoulders. He opened the door for everyone.

     The four stepped through with thank you’s, then he shut the door behind him.

     Gabriel came up between Oliver and Lee. “So how old are you all?” He asked as he straightened a pork pie hat over his head.

     Luke gestured to himself, Julia, and Lee. “We’re thirteen, and Oliver’s fourteen.”

     “Is that right?” Gabriel asked, a little disgruntled.

     “Why? How old are you?” Oliver asked.

     Gabriel shrugged. “About thirteen thousand one hundred and eighty three.”

     Luke stopped altogether and his mouth dropped. “So no offense, man, but shouldn’t you be like… dead now?”

     “No, by the standards of the kingdom I’m quite young. If anything, you four shouldn’t even be alive now.” Gabriel seemed to realize what he said. “I mean – if you were born down here, you wouldn’t even be alive yet, technically. I mean – never mind.” He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. He began walking again.

     “Think nothing of it.” Julia smiled.

     Gabriel furrowed his brow slightly. “Thank you.” He said stiffly.

     Julia faced forward again and frowned. What was up with Gabriel? He seemed to be a good kid, but he treated her weirdly. Luke seemed to notice too, and he traded a look with Julia.

     Julia’s mind wandered off the conversation, and onto the scenery. In every yard, were children playing. They seemed to look normal, all except they seemed unnaturally pale. Julia figured it was from lack of sunlight. Her sneakers thudded on the diamond disks of the road as she made way for carriages, and she gazed at the river that was flowing through the middle of the village. The water was clearer than she had ever seen. No creatures swam in it, and the people dodged it. Even small children kept their hand out of the water, even though Julia was tempted to touch it. To dip her fingers into the ripples and feel it. The villagers seemed to treat it with some sort of reverence.

     Finally, Gabriel stopped. They were standing in front of the castle, which looked even larger now that they were right next to it. Julia studied the crystals that made up the castle. Julia wondered if this is how ants felt standing next to table legs.

     “This is where we were supposed to part ways, though I believe I can help you a step further. See those crowds?” Gabriel pointed forward, at the clusters of yelling people crowding around the steps of the castle, held back from them only by several guards. “I know a way that we can sneak into the backyard of the castle.”

     “How do you know that?” Lee asked.

     “I’m the stable boy. Really, I only accepted the job so I could get to explore the castle property more.” Gabriel said,

     “Respect.” Lee responded.

     “Follow me.” Gabriel muttered. He casually stepped over to the side, just around the castle. Behind the castle, was a fenced in area. If three men were to stand on each other’s shoulders, the head of the man on top would barely reach the top of the fence. He crept around the castle until he was out of sight, then he bolted.

***

Totally late chapter, I know, don't sell me to a village of small gnomes! But, I'm contemplating a possible prequel. Sorry if you hate those, but I think it's a cool idea! Lemme' know what you think! :D

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Junel
Comment
User avatar
Mageheart
Review

Hiya, Cupcakes! Mage here to do the promised review! So let's get to it, shall we?

This world is becoming more and more interesting. I'm feeling a lot like Oliver right now; knowing him, he wants to go running on over to Eolas and ask lots of questions. If we're both having the same train of thought, we want to understand how life is prolonged underground. Quick question regarding the underground world. How is it lit? I know it can be a simple explanation, but I would suggest including it in a future chapter or rewritten ones. Living underground with low levels of light can have effects on how people have evolved (a great example of this is in Suzanne Collin's lesser known Underland Chronicles series). Also, I have one last major suggestion. This chapter was very dialogue heavy. My suggestion is to further describe the actions of the characters while they are talking. You do basic descriptions, but try elaborating more on them. It will really improve your writing.

Now onto the other stuff!

“Yes,” Jason said nervously. “I suppose that can happen, but the pain is only minor,”


The comma after "minor" should be a period.

“Slow down, son.” Jason warned.


The period after "son" should be a comma.

“I will, thank you.”


My suggestion is to make these two phrases their own sentences. As of right now, it's a comma splice. (If I haven't mentioned those before, feel free to ask me what it is!)

“Who’s this king guy?” Luke drummed his fingers on the table irritably. “I’m not a huge fan of this…” He made a vague gesture with his right hand. “… Ambiguity.”


This line makes me love Luke even more than I already did. That's pretty much my reaction when starting a new series, whether it be literature, movies, shows, or video games. I like my answers. :P

"What are the others?” Luke began tapping the table again.


I like how you've given Luke a habit of tapping when he's irritated. That's a cool way to spice up his character!

“Enough talk.” Jason said, “we need to get you four to the castle.”


The period after "talk" should be a comma. The comma after "said" should be a period, and the "w" in "we" should be capitalized.

Gabriel shrugged. “About thirteen thousand one hundred and eighty three.”


I would suggest adding commas after "thousand" and "hundred" so it's easier for the reader to read. And Gabriel sure is an old man. :P If he's that old, I wonder how old Jason is...

Julia faced forward again and frowned. What was up with Gabriel? He seemed to be a good kid, but he treated her weirdly. Luke seemed to notice too, and he traded a look with Julia.


I think the explanation could possibly be that Gabriel has a crush on Julia. But I'll need some more evidence before I can back up my conclusion. :P

“I’m the stable boy. Really, I only accepted the job so I could get to explore the castle property more.” Gabriel said,


There should be a comma instead of a period after "more", and the comma after "said" should be a period.

Behind the castle, was a fenced in area.


There doesn't need to be a comma here.

Keep up the awesome work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! :D

By the way, that possible prequel sounds like a really cool idea! :D

Sorry, I back! The reason that Gabriel treated Julia weirdly, is because at first, I wanted this book to also deal with racism, but it didn't really fit into the plot very well, because Ackerley isn't racist, nor were any of the previous rulers, and the kingdom was also originally founded by a separate race. Thank you so much for the reviews! I always smile when I read these, and I love that you love this! I think I'm going to go ahead with that prequel.

User avatar
Junel
Review
Junel wrote a review · Mon Aug 01, 2016 5:13 pm

Hey, this is getting very interesting.

Grammatical Etc. errors:
As far as I saw there are no errors in this chapter!
Characters: We have met a new character (Gabriel) and he seems to be quite important. Good job developing him just enough, but leaving him quite mysterious. This makes the reader want to read the story more because they need to know about this person. Great job doing this!
Plot: So the characters now know more about where they are, and even have an idea of how to get the information to get home, but they still need to do a lot to get there and I think that many complications are to come ans maybe they will have to travel to one of the other kingdoms? Who knows? Good job continuing at a good pace and keeping the reader interesting.
Descriptions: You are getting better at this although some parts still lack. I feel like I'm watching a movie and it switched from black and white to color then back. Also continue adding the other senses. Maybe they hear the children screaming and they play games or the treatment smells weird. Just a few ideas.

Overall this is really great and I can't wait to learn more about this secret world that they have stumbled upon.

Good Luck and Keep Writing

Sláinte -Junel

Thank you so much! When I delve into my editing period, I'll be sure to make everything much more detailed. I'm so happy that I don't have any grammatical errors! :D



Noelle, you can lead a writer to their computer and give them coffee, but you can't make them write.
— CowLogic