z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Cave - Chapter IX - The Table of Death by Boring Conversation.

by JuliasSneezer


Ackerley gestured to four elegantly carved wooden chairs. He was dressed in an outfit that was very similar to the one that he wore when he first met the children, except the colors were an awful tangerine color, with electric blue accents. He was continuously adjusting the golden crown on his head as if he wasn’t used to wearing it.

Julia stiffly stepped forward and sat. In the middle of the table were grapes, pears, mead, and bottles of wine.

“I suppose you’re all wondering why I have called upon you to gather with us.”

No one answered.

“I think you have frightened them, Ackerley.” A woman on the end of the table said with a laugh. “Don’t worry, children, Ackerley really couldn’t hurt a fly.” She was a kind looking woman, with a curled black bob and doe eyes with light makeup, except for her bright red lipstick. She was wearing a silver headband around her head, with a fluffy feather in it. She wore a light grey flapper dress. Next to her feet was a bag with a slender cigarette holder peeking out.

“Did I?” Ackerley asked. “What have I done to inspire fear?”

“Perhaps the fact that you threatened their family.” Ackerley’s wife suggested. She was dressed in an outfit that was nearly the same, except instead of a feathery hat, she wore a silver tiara.

“Ah. I can understand then.”

“What happened, Ackerley?” A rough man asked. He was covered in motor oil, as if he had a wrestling match with a leaky motor. He was wearing a mechanic’s jumpsuit which was equally grimy. He had a yellow – tinged grey beard, and a wrinkled face the color of leather. He was casually hunched over. “I have something really interesting I’m working on.”

“Perhaps it can wait, Phil.” A woman next to him said. She had a thick braid of silver hanging down to the middle of her waist. She was dressed in an ocean blue, simple dress. Her silver eyes had a sort of calculating look. As if she could read you inside and out with only a simple glance. She observed the room coldly. She had a modest silver crown perched on her head. “Ackerley would not call us unless it was important.”

Ackerley nodded. “Right you are, Metis. I am here because I do believe that I had found children from Up-Above!”

The flapper woman glanced in the four’s direction. “Yes, I can see what you mean, but first let us introduce ourselves to the children.”

“Ah, of course.” Ackerley said. “As you may well know, I am Ackerley. This is my wife, the queen, Matilde.”

Matilde nodded toward the four with a smile.

“The woman on your far right is Metis. Queen of the kingdom of Eolas.” Metis observed them through her steely eye.

“The spry young woman on the end is Constance Amanda Reyes. The queen of Ganado.”

Constance let out a soft chuckle. “Ackerley, you flatter me. It is lovely to meet you, children.” She reached out her hand and shook each of their hands in turn.

“The chap next to Metis is Phil Ed Reyes. King of Eau.”

Phil lazily lifted a hand in greeting, sipping on a small cup of something dark and steaming. Julia readily assumed that it was coffee, though she thought it was a little advanced for the place going by the technology she had observed so far.

“Please, feel free to introduce yourselves, children.” Ackerley encouraged. All gazes landed on Julia, as she was sitting closest to Ackerley.

“Julia Vadik.”

“Middle name?” Ackerley requested.

“Huh?” Julia asked.

Ackerley smiled. “Here in the four kingdoms, we introduce ourselves with our full names.”

“Well then, Julia Opal Vadik.”

“Oliver Richard Roberts.” Oliver stated.

“Hi, I’m Luke Zachary Eberhard.”

Everyone stared at Lee, who took a deep breath with a look of total disdain. “Leanne Helen Brittany Gillian.” She sighed. “The second.”

Julia frowned. Whenever Lee introduced herself, she just said that she was Lee Gillian. She never took a second to think about the fact that Lee could be short for something, much less something that sounded so… feminine. Lee looked sort of disgusted with her own name.

Luke blinked. “Rolls off the tongue.”

Lee shot him a withering look.

“Not to be rude,” Phil began.

“Yes, because I know that you absolutely hate that,” Celeste smirked.

Phil took another sip of his small drink. “Quit being such a dumb Dora.”

“I’m not a dumb Dora!” Celeste protested with a grin.

“You are,” Phil argued.

“Would you quit your bickering?” Metis snapped. “You are both sounding like newborn infants.”

“Not to be rude,” Phil repeated. “But didn’t you call us for some business, Ackerley?”

“Ah, yes.” Ackerley said distractedly. “I do believe that I have found us some new mappers.”

“That explains the children being here.” Celeste realized.

Ackerley nodded. “Exactly.”

“Sorry for the interruption,” Lee said, not looking the least bit sorry. “But what are mappers?”

“They map the land of Up-Above in our places.” Metis explained.

Oliver leaned forward. “Why do you need us, your highnesses?”

“Because our world has changed quite a lot since we were there last.” Phil explained.

“How long have you been here exactly?” Luke asked.

“Taking into account the year it is,” Ackerley began. “I have been here for… Matilde, what year did we come here again?”

Matilde paused to think on it. “About 1853.”

“So… one hundred and sixty three years.” Ackerley beamed. “Seems like we found this place only yesterday.”

“One hundred and sixty three years?!” Julia repeated.

“Yes, I just said that, didn’t I?”

Oliver faced Metis. “How long have you been here, your highness?”

“I have been ruling since the noble year of five hundred and twenty six.” Metis replied.

“How long ago was that?” Lee asked.

“Use your head.” Metis said bluntly.

“You’ve been here for one thousand four hundred and ninety years.” Oliver realized. “Give or take.” Metis regarded him with a nod.

“I’ve been here since the noble year of nineteen twenty six.” Phil added. “Me and Celeste both.”

“So basically, you’ve all been here since dinosaurs walked the earth.” Luke stated.

“Well, exaggerated perhaps, but that is the general idea.” Ackerley chuckled.

“Why do you need mappers?” Lee asked.

Matilde pursed her lips. “We have unfortunately not been above ground in decades. We have no clue how the world has changed, or how to adapt to it.”

Julia frowned. “Well if you haven’t been above ground in decades, why do you need to adapt now?”

Matilde traded a concerned look with Ackerley, who nodded. “We are about to go into war.” Matilde finally answered.

***

Lame title, I know. Hope you enjoyed! Review, like it, share it! Thanks for reading!


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264 Reviews


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Sun Aug 28, 2016 3:34 pm
Megrim wrote a review...



Hi there! I haven't read the previous chapters so this review won't have that context.

I liked the set-up, especially the Up-Above vs down here, and I love the concept of needing mappers. You have some beautiful descriptions (love the 20s flapper imagery!), and the banter is charming.

My biggest difficulty with this is the information overload. You're introducing a lot of characters in quick succession, and then throwing them all into a conversation. As much as I love the descriptions, it's a *lot* to take in at once, and I immediately forgot who was who and didn't bother to keep checking. (You may have heard the term "character soup" before, and this felt like that). It's hard to avoid this problem with the sheer number of characters you have, and I almost wonder if it would be better to cut one or two out. Either that, or leave some unnamed/lower their importance, so our main attention can focus on one or two and get to know & remember them really well.

It's a tricky situation, and I think it bears remembering writing's strengths and weaknesses. If this were a movie, it would be really easy to show everybody sitting there, and boom, we know who's who, each has a distinct "flavor"/appearance, and it literally only takes a second to get that across to the audience. In writing, sadly, we have to be judicious about how we spend words, and only one thing can be introduced at a time. So instead of this gestalt "here's the cast" that you get from a picture in a movie, we have to take our time to go through the characters one by one, memorize their details, and recall the descriptions every time one of them speaks. The more you can do to help the reader, the easier that task becomes. Give us reminders, leave out anything not absolutely essential, cut down on named characters, etc etc. I think it would help if you pick what you want the *main* focus to be on, and give that the most attention.

Good luck and happy writing!






Hello! Thanks for the review. I understand the confusion, but unfortunately all four of those new characters are important. I'll try and figure out a way to make that easier, but for the time being, I'll keep it as it is. Thank you so much! :D



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Sun Aug 28, 2016 2:18 pm
AlyTheBookworm wrote a review...



Hi, AlyTheBookworm here with a review!

I'll start with what I liked. Overall, I loved this. I also loved the title and didn't think it was lame at all. Lee's real name makes me think that her parents tried to make her girly, so she rebelled against them by being a tomboy. Luke's comments are always funny, and your descriptions of new characters are very detailed yet don't feel like you're giving too much information. The cliffhanger was also awesome and I did not see it coming.

Now I'll get to the things that could be improved, and I'm happy to say that I didn't find anything big. First, the sentence, "She was dressed in an outfit that was nearly the same, except instead of a feathery hat, she wore a silver tiara." Whose outfit is her outfit nearly the same as? Since Ackerly spoke right before her, the first thing that popped into my head was that the king and his wife were wearing identical outfits. Then I realized you probably meant to be comparing his wife and Constance.

“Would you quit your bickering?” Metis snapped. “You are both sounding like newborn infants.” The line "newborn infants" doesn't work out. Newborn infants don't bicker. Toddlers may bicker, or young children, but I can't imagine newborn babies bickering since they can't talk or even walk yet. I would replace that sentence with something like, "You sound like a pair of toddlers fighting over candy."

Another thing that bothered me was how new characters kept getting introduced and I didn't even know how many people were in the room. At first I imagined Ackerly and the kids, but new people kept getting added and it was pretty confusing because I didn't know they were there in the first place. You should give a better description of the setting. I know there's a table, but what does the room look like? Where exactly are they?

Okay, here's my very last nit-pick. Near the end of this chapter, each of the kings and queens are giving the amount of years they've been underground. This confused me, because were they saying that their kingdoms and people have been underground for so long, or are they extremely old and they themselves have been living underground all those years?

I hope that this review helps you out!
-AlyTheBookworm






Oh, it does! Thank you so much. I'm just going to have to go ahead and edit this later on. Thank you for your input. :D




Love is all we have, the only way that each can help the other.
— Euripides