E - Everyone

The Fitting

     The four traded looks of amusement, then followed Celeste. They conversed easily through the walk. They finally made it to four separate doors, and they parted ways. Julia opened the oak door. Inside, was a bar of soap, a marble tub with several glass bottles filled with strange substances, dozens of racks with different towels, and a cabinet. There was also a small door in the side of the room which led to a bathroom.

     Julia turned on the biggest tap. Hot water spurted forth into the tub. Julia turned her gaze toward the bottles balancing on the side of the tub. There were six, each filled with a thick liquid. The closest was the smallest, filled with a dark blue substance. She undid the cork stopper, and turned it upside down into the water. She dipped her hand into the water, and stirred it lightly. With a small sweep of her hand, bubbles popped up in the water. She turned away from the tub to undress. When she turned around, the bathtub was overflowing with bubbles. They were starting to spill over the edges onto the ground.

     Julia rushed forward and turned off the water tap. She lifted a towel off a rack on the wall to wipe the bubbly water off the floor, only to find they were just pure bubble. She shrugged and slid into the water after setting the towel on her pile of clothing. Somehow, this action seemed to stir up the bubbles even more and they were increased a tenfold. Soon, Julia was completely buried in bubbles. She let out a laugh and picked the bar of soap off the edge of the tub.

     Julia frowned uncertainly once she was finished. Every movement she made seemed to have made the bubbles get bigger. She could only imagine what getting out of the tub would do. She took a couple deep breaths, mostly to stiffen her reserve to get out of the hot water. Goosebumps crept up her arms as she stepped out onto the bathmat and wrapped the towel around herself. She gazed back at the tub. The bubbles were nearly covering the entire floor of the large bathroom.

     She quickly dressed herself, then exited the room. Lee was waiting for her out there, arms crossed, leaning against the wall. “Your hair doesn’t even look wet.” Lee observed. She was in the same clothing as earlier, like Julia, though her hair was wet and pulled back in a French braid.

     “Hello to you too.” Julia grinned.

     Oliver came out next. “Hey,” he said once he saw them. The two replied with similar greetings.

     “Did you see all that stuff?!” Julia heard right behind her. She jumped and whirled around. She almost jumped again. Luke looked mostly the same, except for his hair stuck almost straight up in the air like he barely escaped from a hurricane. “Check out my hair!”

     Lee frowned. “I’m checking it out, alright,”

     “Luke, what did you even do?” Julia asked.

     “I tried all seven of the faucets at once. It does some pretty crazy stuff,”

     Julia stepped forward and rested her hand on the tips of Luke’s hair. It didn’t sink an inch. “I’ll say.”

     “Come on, guys.” Lee said. “We have a fitting to do, remember?”

     “Ugh, clothes... stuff.” Luke groaned.

     “Now there’s something we can agree on,” Lee joked, hooking her arms around Julia’s and Luke’s shoulders. She walked them down the hall into the throne room, Oliver jogging to catch up.

     Ackerley was waiting for them in the throne room. He had his forehead propped up on his elbow, and had his eyes closed. He was listening to the rant of a squirrely young woman, whose shouting filled the entire room. Julia resisted the urge to groan. This woman looked like the kind who didn’t take no for an answer.

     The woman was dressed in dirty aprons, and her red hair was unwashed. “And another thing!” She screamed in a shrill voice. “I know you are using the kingdom’s money for all this grandeur! Why can you not just give it to the kingdom?! You also have to do something about the oncoming war, you cannot allow us to just sit back and let your lazy rump lead us into a certain death!”

     Ackerley made a vague gesture to a guard, who was standing sidelong watching the one-sided conversation. He dragged the woman kicking and screaming out of the castle. Ackerley sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Julia felt a bit of pity for the old man. Because of the threat, everyone was judging him, even though he was doing everything he could. She for a second imagined being in his position. The evilest being in the world sends her a threat. She tries to hush it up, but she realizes that she has to tell the kingdom.

     From then on, people are storming her doorstep. They only shout things that she’s doing wrong, and gives her no clue on how to fix them. They’re insulting her. They’re jeering at her. They’re panicking. She pities them, though she can do nothing to help them except for wait for the oncoming attack, and prepare. Nonetheless, her people are scared. It was a hollow feeling.

     Ackerley sent them an empty smile. “Children, happy to see you. The fittings will be held in your bedrooms.”

     “Thank you.” Julia heard herself say. She didn’t feel thankful, all Ackerley told them was where the fittings would be. But she felt that he needed some comfort.

     Ackerley’s smile became a bit wider. “You are quite welcome.” The four crossed the hallway and walked down the corridor.

     “Wow.” Lee said as soon as Julia shut the door.

     Oliver nodded. “Yeah.”

     “He really does care,” Luke said.

     “What?” Julia asked.

     Luke faced Julia. “He cares about us.”

     “How do you know?”

     “I just know.” Luke shrugged.

     Oliver shook his head, apparently very unsatisfied. "How?”

     “Well, he looks at us. Like, everyone does, but he does it in a different way. Almost the same way I look at you. Someone who cares, will ask how you are. How your day’s been, and hope you’re feeling okay, they just… care.” Luke paused. “And Ackerley put up that act for us. Anyone who wouldn't care would just let us know how much of a hard time he was having. He just wants to keep us from worrying.” Luke blinked, then continued to walk.

     Julia frowned and looked down at her shoes. She never thought of caring in that way, of actual physical wonderings, and actions, she thought of caring as simply… caring for people. Then it occurred to her, Luke just admitted it – sappily in fact, that he really did care for them. Julia knew that Luke cared about them, and he told them in small ways. She just never heard them actually say that he cared for them. “I care about you guys,” she said.

     Lee nodded and Oliver murmured an agreement.

     “I know,” Luke smiled and turned around. “Come on, the sooner we get these fittings done, the better.” He sighed and turned back forward.

     The walk to their bedrooms was short and quiet. Not an awkward silence, but one of comfort. They parted ways at their bedroom doors.

     Julia walked into her room, only to see a woman inside. She was setting something down on the ground, some sort of platform. Her back was facing the door. “Hello,” Julia said.

     The woman jumped and turned around. She was small, and her blond hair was pulled back into a bun. Her unnaturally grey eyes were wide open, as if she were trying to see in the dark. “Oh, it is just you.” She said in a quiet voice. She stepped to the side and gestured to the small platform. “Please stand on here.”

     Julia nodded and walked forward, stepping up on the platform. She watched the woman, who was encircling Julia’s waist with the tape measure. The fitting was long, and mundane. The two didn’t make much conversation. But that is not to say that Julia was not trying. She asked the woman’s name, but the woman, Jane, ended conversation almost immediately. The only things that made it worse, was the insecurity that crept into Julia, and Jane’s random comments. A fitting is pleasant enough, but not when your fitter gives you compliment such as: “I like your ears.”, it gets a little awkward.

     When Julia finally made it out, she was the first. She stood and waited. Her mind strayed to idle thoughts, when she thought about her family. It was like a knife through the heart. What was her family doing right now? Were they searching? Will they call the police? Have they? What will they do to find her? Are they missing her? What was she thinking? Of course they miss her. They miss her with all their hearts, and she misses them. It was then that she decided, no matter what it takes, she’ll survive and get home to her family. “I’ll come back to you,” Julia whispered. “I swear it on my life.” Julia heard a door open and jumped.

     Lee was looking at her with a soft expression. “Julia, are you okay?”

     Julia realized that her eyes had welled up with tears. She blinked them away. It didn’t help. “I’m fine.”

     “I miss them too.” Lee said, taking Julia’s hand and squeezing it.

     Julia squeezed it back, and they waited for the boys in a morose silence while Julia tried to regain her composure. By the time the boys finally came out, Lee released Julia’s hand. For that, Julia was grateful. A guard then came and told the four that he would lead the four down to their first lesson. He led them through several halls, then the guard bid them adieu at a door right next to the library. They pushed it open, to find Metis standing in front of a large blackboard.

     They were in a wide room, all of the walls were covered with bookshelves. There were four desks sitting in the middle of the room, all facing the board. On each desks were rolls of parchment, quills, and an ink bottle. This room was filled with sunshine, just like the rest of the kingdom. Metis let out a small smile.

    “Welcome to your classroom.” Metis said. She gestured towards the four desks. “Please, sit.”

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Brigadier
Review

Hey there JuliasSneezer. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado let the reviewing begin.
I know that I am jumping in here mid-book but your chapter has been waiting awhile. I'm just going to figure this out as I go along. And you've never had a review from me so let's just say, don't be offended by anything I might say.

First Thought
1. This is just one big block of text with two or three scattered lines of dialogue. I haven't even read it yet and it seems extremely boring. You can tell a lot about a story by just scrolling through and looking at the lengths of paragraphs. I don't see very much dialogue which means few character interactions and a lot of stuff going on inside the one character's head. This is being told from third person but only focusing on the one character so unless this author is really careful, this chapter is going to bog the readers down and they'll go fleeing out the door.
2. There's a good variety in sentence length but the paragraphs still don't flow together well. I think it has a bit to do with your way of wording things and also to do with the fact nothing has much of a description. I mean I'm just talking from reading the first couple of paragraphs. Maybe it will get better as I go along but at the moment it is looking pretty sad.
3. I'm not going to get any nicer than this so if you dislike the review, just ignore it. If you think all of that makes sense and would like to hear more analysis, continue on this way madam.

First Lines: Chapter Edition

The four traded looks of amusement, then followed Celeste. They conversed easily through the walk.

1. Since your first two sentences are so short, I think I might just use both for this first stretch of analysis. First lines are usually another good tip off to how a chapter is going to be written and if the reader is going to like your story. My thoughts from this first line are 'Nopity nope nope'. But let me explain over the next few sentences why.
2. Okay so if I had been actually reading this book all the way through from the very beginning, I would know exactly what was going on. But I didn't do that because I'm trying to jump into a green room chapter. The lack of any excitement just makes me want to leave the piece. You try to draw people in with the 'looks of amusement' which obviously connects to the previous chapter.
3. 'They conversed easily' This would be a great place to add in some not at all serious dialogue because you've already set it up. I don't know what else is going on in your book but all the conversations seem really dark. You definitely want to try and add in some more dialogue here and there, to break up the big walls of text. Maybe try and make it funny/not completely depressing while you're at it.

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam!
*coughs*
Sentences, Sentences, Sentences!
1. One really big recurring thing in your chapter, is places where you should probably combine some sentences. The next biggest is places where you need to split things up. And I could tell you how to fix each and every one of these places. But that's not really in my definition of review. In reviews you explain the problem and give an example of how to fix it. So here's an example problem paragraph.
2. The sentences in this paragraph are really choppy and poorly put together. You reuse the begins so many times it becomes boring by the time the reader is halfway through the paragraph. And this is just a couple of paragraphs in. You have to change up the sentences a bit if you want people to stick through until the end.
3. So the way I've grouped this is putting everything in quotes and the putting the recommended fix within the same quote. If it doesn't make any sense, contact me with questions.
4. Some parts of blue were just ideas to make it a bit more descriptive. You need to work on describing the scene and making it intriguing to read.
Julia turned on the biggest tap. Hot water spurted forth into the tub.
Julie turned on the biggest tap and hot water spurted forth into the tub.

Julia turned her gaze toward the bottles balancing precariously on the side of the tub. There were six glass containers of varying shapes and sizes, each filled with a thick gooey[/blue] liquid.

The closest was the smallest, filled with a dark blue substance.
[color=blue]Closest to her was the smallest bottle in the collection, filled to the brim with a dark blue substance.

She undid the cork stopper, and turned it upside down into the water. She dipped her hand into the water, and stirred it lightly. With a small sweep of her hand, bubbles popped up in the water.
Dipping her hand into the water, she stirred it lightly. As her hand swept by the water, little bubbles popped in the path of her movements.

She turned away from the tub to undress. When she turned around, the bathtub was overflowing with bubbles. They were starting to spill over the edges onto the ground.
She turned away from the tub to undress. Behind her bubbles were spilling over the edge and she only noticed them as they ran under her feet.


Okay I think that's enough to say on all of that for now. I might return to it later on in this review but I think that pretty much shows all the stuff I had an issue with. Just look at the suggestions and try to apply them to the rest of the chapter.

Moving On to Dialogue
1. The previous reviewer started to talk about this but he barely scratched the surface, something I'm not very happy with. But then again it gives me more space to explain my points on the subject without stepping on any toes. I'm trying to find the best way to say this because being nice and not hurting feelings, isn't really in my skill set. Your dialogue is just ordinary, boring, uninteresting to read and has nothing to grip the reader in. I'm not at all interested by the mundane conversation going on even though you made attempts to be funny. They just weren't followed through to well.
2. The characters also don't show much emotion throughout the course of all of these conversations. Like the previous reviewer said, all of the tags pretty much go 'he said' and 'she said'. I'm not a very big fan of using places to point out who is speaking but with four characters talking all together, it is necessary for your story. You need to add some emotions and expressions to the characters if you want people to like them. Or at least pity them or hate them. The reader has to feel some sort of emotion towards the characters but at the moment there's nothing to base a feeling on.
3. There's also quite a few case of where you used a period instead of a comma and vice versa in the dialogue. I mean I'm not completely sure on this, since dialogue isn't my best thing, but you might want to seek out a reviewer who is good with dialogue.

Mystery in the Plot
1. So I'm hearing these very slight mentions of an invasion and war. Not much, just little things that you are letting on here and there. Just guessing this is an attendance thing on my part, something that was probably explained in the past chapter. And you have this once character here trying to figure out what the old man is going through. It's a very nice touch for the sentimental people but I don't know, it really drags through. Like you are just repeating the last paragraph of limited information over again. Not really sure how to explain my feelings about that part.
2. So most of the questions I have remaining for you will probably be answered by me actually reading the damn story. And your answer to them will be something along the lines of 'just read the damn story'. You'll probably use less cursing but I'm going to ask anyways.
3. Who even are these people? What's with the family drama thing?

So wait. I guess that really is all of the thoughts and comments I had for this review. I'm sort of surprised by that because I could have sworn I had more to say. It will come to me later and then I'll come and update this review.
Anyways.
Have a good evening.
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs

User avatar
Casanova
Review

Heya, Julias! Casanova here with a short review!

Anyway, this was rather boring to me, at least. It's not my style, and I'm here to do the best I can.
You use the typical he said dialogue, and that gets boring after a while. Use something(in anger for example) like he scowled. This doesn't directly says the character says something, but really puts out the imagery.

The plot was okay I guess. It wasn't the best in the world, and it grew dull over a period of reading, but I think with a littel editing to your characters and things that you could really get a good novel out of this.

Anyway, that's all I have for now.

Keep on keeping on,

Cas

User avatar
nate4452 Comment

hey really good short story i liked it very much maybe add a bit more thoughts and details to whats happening. great job all together though. a few grammar issues also not to be a pest. and maybe add a little more to it.



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