z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Cave - Chapter VIII - Spatulas and Cool Chairs

by JuliasSneezer


     She slowly rode down the smooth road on her bike, easily breathing in the cool morning air. She loved spring, when everything seemed easy. Her mind was occupied through the entire ride with grim thoughts. Like for instance, what would she tell her friends when she saw them? Surely, “hey guys, what’s new? Sorry you’re dying,” wouldn’t work. She decided to just let everything run naturally.

     She parked her bike in the trees away from view. Then, she began the trek up the hill. The hill wasn’t too steep, but her tired muscles made every step feel like she was hiking in fresh cement. Finally, much to her relief, the cave came into her view along with the other three. Apparently they were having an even worse time than her.

     “The heck is up with your sweatpants?” Luke asked in greeting.

     “Hello to you too.” Julia said wryly.

     “Wow. Annoying, an idiot, and a fashion consultant? How do you do it?” Lee asked irritably.

     “Practice, Hun. You could use it.” Luke sneered. “For the fashion part, I mean. You’ve got everything else spot on.” Julia was a little taken aback. Usually Luke was in good humor, but with lack of sleep on top of everything else, he was just plain mean.

     “Why you little –” Lee began.

     “Cut it out, you two.” Oliver interrupted.

     “Yes, Mommy.” Luke said.

     Oliver rolled his eyes. “Let’s just go.” He clicked on a flashlight – a real one this time, and led the way.

     The walk was silent, and the tension between Luke and Lee was so thick, you would need a broadsword to cut it. The only sounds were their shoes echoing on the cave ground, and drops of water falling onto the stone. Julia watched Oliver’s flashlight beam, looking out for the chips of silver in the stone. Now that she was looking for them, they appeared to her, clear as day.

      Luke sighed behind Julia. “Lee,”

     Lee hummed irritably in response.

     “I’m sorry.” Luke said.

     Lee turned to him. “It’s cool. Sorry I was being such a pain in the butt.”

     Luke shrugged. “No prob.”

     They stopped in the chamber of bats. The bats were roosting once again. It sent shivers down Julia’s spine.

     “Now.” Oliver began. “How did you get that thing to open, Julia?”

     “There was an emerald.” Julia answered.

     Oliver flashed his beam all over the cave, though he was careful to avoid the bats. “This deep?”

     Julia nodded. She saw a flash of green. “This way.” The others followed her. She wasted no time, just knocking the emerald with her fist. Julia covered her ears as the section of rock slid over again. She forged ahead, the others trailing behind her. The walk seemed much shorter now that they knew where they were going.

     They opened the door at the end and took a second to process what they were seeing. They may have been there before, but the view still stunned Julia. “Beautiful, isn’t it?”

     “Yeah,” Lee said. “But I would be a little more enchanted if we weren’t walking to our deaths.”

     The sentence set a heavy weight on them as they walked down the rickety stairs. They never said their fear aloud, but Lee saying it somehow seemed to make it seem more real. They finally made it back to the kingdom. The villagers stared at them as they passed. Mainly they were staring at Julia’s hideous pants.

     “Julia, truth or truth?” Luke asked.

     Julia faced Luke. “Huh?”

     “Well I wanted to play truth or dare, but seeing as how we kind of have a deadline to make, I kind of decided on truth or truth.” Luke reasoned.

     “Sounds cool.” Lee said.

     “Okay, I’d guess I choose truth.” Julia said.

     “Are you a dog person?" Luke asked.

"Lame!" Lee shouted from beside him.

"Shush your face. She has to answer!" Luke responded.

     “No.” Julia said through a laugh.

     Luke frowned, gasped, and held a hand to his heart. "I am deeply offended by that."

     “Lee,” Julia began through a laugh. She had wanted to know this for quite some time, but she was never sure how to ask. “Is it true that in preschool, you used one of our spatulas to scrape dog poop off your shoe?”

     “Yes.” Lee admitted.

     “What?” Luke asked, laughing.

     “I did. I was over at Julia’s for a sleepover. The next morning, I stepped in a pile of dog poop. Julia’s mom wasn’t looking when I stepped into the kitchen. I scraped it off my shoe, and-”

     “And she shoved it right back in our pan of scrambled eggs.” Julia added.

     “You didn’t!” Oliver practically shouted.

     “I did.” Lee repeated.

     Luke doubled over laughing.

     “And she never told me.” Julia said.

     Lee threw her hands in the air. “I already admitted it, let it go!”

     “Ask someone a question!” Julia urged. They were nearing the castle, and to be quite honest, she wanted to see Oliver squirm.

     “Fine. Oliver,”

     Oliver suddenly looked a little scared now. “Yes?”

     “Is it true that you like –”

     A guard right by the entrance drew his sword. “What are you doing here?”

     “We were requested by the king for audience.” Oliver said very professionally.

     “Do you swear?” The guard asked. Swear. There it was again. “If you were to swear on your life, would you?”

     “I swear on it.” Oliver responded.

     The guard stepped to the side with a respectful nod.

     Julia traded a confused look with Lee, then they walked in. This time, Julia wasted no time appearing astounded. Sure, she was, but she figured that if she didn’t go in looking like the wide – eyed child she was, it would be better.

     There was no king there, nor was there the queen. In their place, stood two shoulders, each gripping a long spear. “Are you here about your audience with the king and queen?” The first asked.

     “Yes.” Oliver answered. Ever the smooth talker of the group, it was no surprise that he be the one to guide them.

     “Come.” The second guard commanded curtly.

     They followed them down seemingly endless halls. Each looked the exact same as the last one. Julia worriedly wondered if she would be able to find her way out in the event that they were able to escape. Apparently, Oliver was wondering the same thing. Except he had come up with a solution. Each time they reached a new hall, Oliver drew a glass marble out of his pocket and tossed them behind him. Julia silently praised his cunning as they walked on.

     The guards stopped in front of the door. “Come through here.” The first guard commanded. With combined effort, the two managed to pull the two doors open. Oliver lead the way, followed by the other three. They were let into a grand sparkling room. Assorted colors of rhinestones formed floral patterns on the ground in a sea of purples, golds, and greens. The room was held up with aquamarine pillars on all four corners of the room. In the middle, was a dark table of wood. There were five people sitting around the rectangular table, all sitting in beautiful chairs carved of wood, inlaid with stones.

     “Children.” Ackerley said. “Please, sit.”

***

Ladies and gents, it is my honor to announce the next chapter of 'The Cave'! However, I'm just a bit disappointed with the lack of reviews. I mean, I know that's quite normal for novel chapters, but... I dunno'. You know what? One is better than none! Thank you all for reading. Like it, enjoy it, share it! Bye!


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1085 Reviews


Points: 90000
Reviews: 1085

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Thu Sep 22, 2016 9:17 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey Julias! I saw this hasn't gotten much love, so I thought I'd go ahead and give it a review. Please disregard any stupid things I say because I don't know the story. :P

This is a solid chapter, and I actually quite enjoyed it, even though I didn't know much about what was going on. I like your characters and their interactions. (Also, how the heck did you get the paragraphs to indent? o.o)

“Wow. Annoying, an idiot, and a fashion consultant? How do you do it?” Lee asked irritably.

“Practice, Hun. You could use it.” Luke sneered. “For the fashion part, I mean. You’ve got everything else spot on.”

I had to read this a couple of times to really get a handle on what was going on here. I think there's just mild confusion over who Luke says that too - because Lee talked immediately before, the mind automatically assumes Luke is responding to Lee, when really he's being snarky at Julia. I think if you prefaced the dialogue with something like "Luke ignored him," then that would put the brain back on the right track, so to speak.

(I also thought they were a little quick to apologize, but maybe that's just in their characters, I don't really know.)

The sentence set a heavy weight on them as they walked down the rickety stairs. They never said their fear aloud, but Lee saying it somehow seemed to make it seem more real. They finally made it back to the kingdom. The villagers stared at them as they passed. Mainly they were staring at Julia’s hideous pants.

I thought this transition happened too quickly. While I'm sure you described this thoroughly when they first discovered it, I think that by skipping over it like this, you lose the atmosphere of tension/dread that you were building so nicely by having the characters be all snippy at each other (really, though, that's a great way to show the severity of a situation). But if you were to have the reader walk with them to the castle, you'd get to build that tension more, and I also think it would be a better time for them to apologize, since it'd have been wearing on them longer.

I agree with what Aly said about the oddness of dropping marbles.

In their place, stood two shoulders,

I hope you meant soldiers, because if not, I'm thoroughly confused. :P

That's all I've got! Again, this is a solid chapter, with the tension really building up at the beginning. I kind of want to go back and read the rest now because of how enjoyable this is and how much I love this type of fantasy. We'll see. :)






Thank you so much! I'll make sure to implement your advice whenever I go back and change things up a bit. Thank you so much for the review!

I indented the chapters by going to every line of dialogue, and the start of every paragraph, and I pressed space five times. A bit exhausting, but it works. XD



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Sun Aug 28, 2016 7:20 pm
AlyTheBookworm wrote a review...



Hi! Aly here with a review. :)

It turns out that I reviewed the chapter after this before reading this one. Oops. Anyways, things make a little more sense to me now. I really enjoyed reading this, and I hope this review helps you out. I guess I'll start with what bothered me and what I think could be improved.

“hey guys, what’s new? Sorry you’re dying,” I would capitalize 'hey', even though 'surely' comes before it. This is just my opinion. I think it makes it look more neat.

"Luke sighed behind Julia. “Lee,"" Lee needs to have a period after it, not a comma.

"Ever the smooth talker of the group, it was no surprise that he be the one to guide them." Between 'he' and 'be' I would add a 'would'.

At the part where they open the door and Julia says, "Beautiful, isn't it?" I was waiting for you to describe the view and it disappointed me when you never did, because I'd like to know what they're seeing.

The last thing that bothered me was the fact that Oliver was dropping marbles. Why not something else? Unless there's a carpet or something, wouldn't dropping a bunch of glass marbles make tons of noise and let the guards notice something was up? Also, marbles would just roll away. They're not just going to sit in once place after being dropped. If marbles are all Oliver has, then I guess this point doesn't matter too much, but something else would make more sense to help them find their way out again.

As much as I love the idea of "hiking in fresh cement", I feel like "wet cement" sounds better. Again, this is just opinion. I'd still like the sentence whether it's changed or not.

Now that I've gotten through my critique, here's some praise! As always, I love your funny titles and the dialogue between Julia, Lee, Oliver, and Luke. I liked the description of the room that you ended on, but I think your biggest problem is describing the setting and appearance of things. I hope this review helps you out and I look forward to the next chapters!

-AlyTheBookworm






I'M SO SORRY I KNOW THAT THIS IS SUPER LATE, BUT I READ YOUR REVIEW AND DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO RESPOND AND NOW I'M FINALLY GETTING TO IT. Better late than never, I guess? *Laughs nervously*

Thank you so much for the review! I'll make sure to keep your advice in mind.





You're welcome! :D




It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
— Albus Dumbledore