Hello! Ripple here. This will actually be my first RevMo review, so I'm pretty excited.
Just a short disclaimer: I have not read any of the rest of this novel, so I'll be kinda lost as far as the plot is concerned. I'll try to focus more on grammar and the overall feel of the work.
The man stood. “I said, what are you doing here?”
I'm not entirely certain, but I think that the punctuation should be "I said, 'What are you doing here?'" Like I said, I'm not really sure, so I would look up how exactly you would use punctuation here.
Also, while I like that you go directly to the dialogue, the first sentence seems a bit off. "Stood" doesn't convey any additional information concerning the attitude or the tone of the character, just that he exists. Try playing around with different verbs that would characterize him a bit more.
He wore a plaid olive green blazer over a grey waistcoat, a pair of chocolate brown trousers, along with a pair of extra shined black shoes. The man himself looked to be about sixty, with a neat waxed moustache, a well-trimmed salt and pepper beard, and gold rectangle spectacles underneath a grey woolen newsboy cap.
I don't think that the first sentence works grammatically, or at least doesn't read cleanly mentally. You set up this list of clothing that he's wearing, and then don't use a coordinating conjunction. While this could be used stylistically as asyndeton, you use "along with" where the conjunction would go, confusing the matter.
I'm also unsure of whether or not these two sentences, written as they are, should be right next to each other. They're both longer descriptions of his physical appearance, and kind of get muddled together. Maybe put a shorter sentence in the middle to change the flow?
She was a kind looking woman, with wispy white hair pulled back into a bun and tucked underneath a feathered hat. She was wearing a dress with a full skirt, and old-fashioned shoes peeked out from the hem of her dress.
Again, two longer descriptions one after the other. In addition, they both start with "She was." Typically, but not always, it's better to vary sentence beginnings.
Ackerley nodded. “Yes, I suppose so. What do you need?”
Oliver stood. “We got lost in a cave. We only wish that you could see us out.”
Ackerley’s frown disappeared. “You mean you are from Up-Above?”
Luke stood also. “Huh?”
“Up-Above.” Ackerley began. “Above ground.”
“I’d guess so,” Julia said.
Ackerley full on smiled. “Excellent!”
Lee frowned confusedly. “Excellent?”
I really like your dialogue here. It flows, and seems fairly realistic.
However, I would like to critique your dialogue tags. Especially in the beginning of this section, you often place the tags as the beginning of the line. With such natural-sounding dialogue, the reader often will naturally overlook the dialogue tags, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. When you put the tags at the front of the line, you force the reader to pay attention to that, breaking the flow of the dialogue. You could probably get away with one or two with the tag at the beginning of the line (for example, the second to last line in this passage), but the rest should probably be at the end.
Also, you use the word "stood" a lot. While this may be an important detail if the character in question was previously sitting (which may or may not be the case here, as it was rather vague), it doesn't have a huge impact on the scene as a whole. There are cases where this is very important, but this doesn't seem to be one of those times.
“But you must return by… next week at one in the morning.” Ackerley warned.
“Why?” Lee asked.
“Because if you do not show up, I will have my guards commandeer your family and bring them down here forever.”
When I look at this section, I don't think Ackerley is "warning" as much as he is threatening. Also, this sudden change in tone towards the group seems rather sudden and unfounded. It may be something that I'm missing from the other chapters, but it still is odd.
The guards explained that there were hard to see silver chips embedded into the stone to lead them to the kingdom.
While I appreciate this bit of world-building, I'm not exactly sure that this is the time to inform the reader of it. The seemingly random turns add a bit of mystery and wonder to the situation, but that all deflates with this explanation.
Julia tried to keep the party going, starting conversations, though the conversation was empty and short. She felt for Lee. Her thirteenth birthday, and all her guests were thinking about was their imminent death. Not exactly party of the year. Through cake and presents, all she could do was give Lee fake smiles. She felt grateful when they left.
The next week went all too quickly for Julia’s taste. The hours slipped through her fingers like sand. She took advantage of the time she had. Playing with her beloved brother, Felix, finishing that fantastic book she was reading, every small achievement seems like something major when you’re running out of time.
Probably another plot confusion, but Ackerley only told them to come, not threaten to kill them. It just sounds like a visit to this cave, and not a permanent farewell to the upper world.
By the time twelve o’clock finally ambled along, Julia was already fully dressed. She wasn’t exactly sure what to expect, so she just dressed warmly. She was nearly frozen to the bone going down into the cave last week. Clad in a black sweatshirt and (awful) neon green sweatpants, she gently rode her bike down the pavement driveway.
The third sentence seems out of place and too... straightforward? I don't know how else to describe it.
This also doesn't give any sense of closure to this chapter. While in some cases cliffhangers are very effective, this one just seems awkward.
Overall, this chapter seems split between two main events: the encounter with Ackerley, and the week following. Personally, I would expand upon this encounter, and then cover the aftermath in the following chapter.
I really enjoyed reading this. The premise seems very intriguing, and I'd love to go back and read the rest of it. Keep writing!
Points: 4842
Reviews: 120
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