z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Cave - Part Two - Chapter I - "No pressure."

by JuliasSneezer


Oliver straightened. “I don’t recall that cropping up in our conversation.”

“Well, we thought that it was pretty evident.” Celeste said. Julia glowered down at the table. Everyone stayed silent.

“I know you are mad at us,” Ackerley began. “And you have every right to be. But we- our kingdoms included, thousands of people- millions of innocent civilians, their lives are all resting on your shoulders.”

“No pressure.” Luke muttered under his breath.

“And you are good people for so graciously accepting the challenge. The last mapmakers caused a much bigger uproar. At least that is what I have heard.”

“Oh yes.” Metis agreed. “I was being raised down here whilst that happened. They overturned the table when they learned that.”

Thankfully, the five royals launched into a lively conversation, though Julia tuned it out. She was uninterested. She ate breakfast and pushed her chair away from the table, when she was stopped by Phil.

“Slow your dogs,” he said. “We have something we’d like to tell you. We’re going to have a fitting later.”

“A what?” Lee asked.

“We must take your measurements so we may provide clothing.” Metis explained.

“But don’t worry, you won’t have to wear those frills all the time,” Phil assured, gesturing over to Matilde and Ackerley. “You’ll also have clothing from our eras.”

“Did you just insult our fashion sense?” Ackerley asked with an amused expression.

“No,” Phil protested. “What makes you say that?”

“Going back to our original topic of conversation,” Metis said pointedly. “In three hours, your fitting will be.”

“Argh.” Phil murmured into his cup.

Celeste snorted on her coffee and half-heartedly disguised it as a sneeze.

“For now, however, you will go down into the courtyard and meet the sword master.” Matilde instructed. “He goes by Curtis.”

“I’ll escort you, if you want.” Celeste offered. She stood and spilled coffee onto her overalls. She them over a clean gingham button up shirt rolled to the elbows, with her black hair tied back in a handkerchief. She hastily wiped the coffee off of her overalls but sighed. “I’ll need to change later.”

“Good. That outfit doesn’t work for you.” Phil teased.

Celeste smacked Phil on the arm playfully, while Phil just cackled like a five year old. “Come along, children.” She led them out the door, and into the corridor. “That’s my brother, by the way.” She told them as they walked down the first corridor.

“Really?” Julia asked, though for the first time she was able to notice some similarities. Their postures, their eyes were the same, and the all-around chemistry of the two.

Celeste nodded with a small smile. “Yes.” Her smile faltered. “I really am sorry that we have to keep you here.” She sounded like she meant it.

“It’s cool,” Luke said. Not surprising, as he couldn’t really stay mad for too long. “I get that you guys need help.”

Celeste looked over her shoulders back at the four. “I’ve never heard the word ‘cool’ used like that, before. What exactly do you mean?”

“You’re missing out.” Luke laughed. “I can teach you tons of cool words.” Through the corridors, Luke and Celeste made quick conversation. Julia had to hand it to Luke, he did know how to break the ice. Luke was just explaining what ‘selfie’ meant, when they made it to the very same pair of doors that the four walked through last week to get into the castle.

Julia moved up to the front of the group and stroked the tentacles of a Piccolo Calamaro. It chirped. “I love these things.”

A crease formed between Celeste’s eyebrows. “You know about the SS?”

“SS?” Luke asked.

“Yes, SS. Small Squid.”

“That’s not what we heard they were called, we heard they’re called Piccolo Calamaro.”

“Heard?”

“What Luke means to say,” Oliver said hurriedly. “Is that was not what Queen Metis told us they were called.”

Celeste looked towards the stable with creased eyebrows, watching Gabriel, who was watering the palace horses. “He let you in?”

“No.” Lee lied.

“He won’t be punished,” Celeste faced the four again. “Don’t bother lying. I had some conversation with Gabriel. He’s the only person I know that calls them Piccolo Calamaro. The original name for them.”

Julia couldn’t quite come up with an answer for this. Fortunately, she didn’t have to. Celeste turned around and led them across the castle yard, through the flocks of Piccolo Calamaro, to a dusty patch in the ground. On either side of the patch behind light wooden fences, were racks of weapons and shields. There was a man standing the middle, covered in dust, hacking away at a dummy with an iron sword.

“Curtis.” Celeste said.

The man stopped and turned around with a bow. He had black hair down to his shoulders, and was wearing a light dirty tunic and loose britches. He wore dark boots, dusty from extensive sword fighting in the divot. He stepped in front of the dummy, though now it looked more like a pile of straw. “Your highness, what can I do for you?”

Celeste gestured to the four. “These children have to learn combat. We needed only the best. Naturally, we came to you.”

Curtis rubbed the back of his neck. “I am honored, your majesty. What kind of combat must they learn?”

“Sword fighting.”

“Mapmakers?”

Celeste nodded. “Yes.”

“I can take it from here, your majesty.” Curtis offered, climbing over the small fence.

Celeste thanked him, then walked back to the castle, humming a song all the way.

Curtis shifted his weight awkwardly. “Well, I have not taught anyone before, so I hope I will be up for the challenge.”

“I’m sure you’ll do just fine.” Julia assured.

“I hope so. How about we begin by introducing ourselves? I am Curtis. And your names?”

“I’m Julia.” Julia said.

Lee raised a hand in greeting. “Lee.”

“Actually,” Luke corrected. “It’s Leanne Helen Brittany Gillian the second.”

Lee glared at him.

“I’m Luke.”

Oliver reached a hand out for a handshake. “I’m Oliver.”

Curtis reached out and shook Oliver’s hand. “Have you four ever lifted a sword?”

“Never.” Lee said.

Curtis looked hopefully towards the others, who just gave the same answers. “A little disappointing,” he confessed. “But we will soon fix that.” He walked over to the sword rack and lifted a sword made of wood. “Light, simple, easy to maneuver. I believe you should all be able to lift it.” He first handed it to Oliver, who lifted it easily. Curtis nodded. “Good.”

Oliver handed the sword back to Curtis. “Thanks.”

Curtis then gave the sword to Luke. Luke was able to lift it with a slight grunt. “A little exercise would do you well.” Luke gave Curtis the sword with a nod. Lee lifted the sword with little difficulty. Curtis finally approached Julia with the wooden sword.

Julia had to try a couple times, and she was finally able to lift the sword. When she finally did, Curtis regarded her with a stiff nod. “I believe that you and Luke must train further before you move on to iron swords.” Curtis then smiled in Oliver’s and Lee’s direction. “I think the two of you are about ready, however.”

Lee traded an excited smile with Oliver.

“I do not know when we will begin sword fighting.” Curtis told them. “However, I do know that we can begin neither until you develop your muscles.”

Julia blushed a little and concentrated on her toes, while Luke just rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.


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35 Reviews


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Sun Sep 25, 2016 5:17 pm
Sheadun says...



Hi JuliasSneezer!

Shea here to review and read your chapter! Nicely done!
Found some time to review this story that I have been interested in! I love the plot and the characters are so well developed. The second paragraph says "Celeste said. Julia glowered down at the table", you could combine these two sentences "Celeste said, as Julia glowered down at the table". This could help with word flow! Also, make sure not to use said too much and insert other words in there to mix it up.

"Curtis?" Celeste could say instead of just "Curtis.". This could be seen as a statement and I don't think that's what you want to come across. Try not to put more than two sentences of dialogue within one paragraph. Finally, I agree that the last sentence of dialogue was a little confusing. Try to switch around the words such as "I know that we cannot begin with either until you develop your muscles". This will help with word flow and help the reader really understand what is being said.

Overall, great story, great characters, and really nice writing style! I can tell that you have really developed the characters! Please keep writing and submitting, and I will keep reviewing!

Great job!
Shea :)




User avatar
35 Reviews


Points: 654
Reviews: 35

Donate
Sun Sep 25, 2016 5:16 pm
Sheadun wrote a review...



Hi JuliasSneezer!

Shea here to review and read your chapter! Nicely done!
Found some time to review this story that I have been interested in! I love the plot and the characters are so well developed. The second paragraph says "Celeste said. Julia glowered down at the table", you could combine these two sentences "Celeste said, as Julia glowered down at the table". This could help with word flow! Also, make sure not to use said too much and insert other words in there to mix it up.

"Curtis?" Celeste could say instead of just "Curtis.". This could be seen as a statement and I don't think that's what you want to come across. Try not to put more than two sentences of dialogue within one paragraph. Finally, I agree that the last sentence of dialogue was a little confusing. Try to switch around the words such as "I know that we cannot begin with either until you develop your muscles". This will help with word flow and help the reader really understand what is being said.

Overall, great story, great characters, and really nice writing style! I can tell that you have really developed the characters! Please keep writing and submitting, and I will keep reviewing!

Great job!
Shea :)






Thank you so much! I really appreciate what you said about my plot and characters.

I'll most certainly try and keep my sentences flowing easier. I'll also try and make the sentences make more sense. While what I posted so far is only a slight bit of what I wrote, I'm nearly finished typing it on my end, and will incorporate your edits then.



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Thu Sep 22, 2016 11:51 pm
Dracula wrote a review...



Hey there, JuliasSneezer! I just figured out your username, love it. XD

“I know you are mad at us,” Ackerley began. “And you have every right to be. But we- our kingdoms included, thousands of people- millions of innocent civilians, their lives are all resting on your shoulders.”
There's something off with this bit of speech, the flow isn't quite right. It's the hyphen, I think. When I read it both in my mind and out loud, I can't make it sound right. I'm not too sure how to fix it, you'll have to experiment with different formatting.

“Going back to our original topic of conversation,” Metis said pointedly. “In three hours, your fitting will be.”
This is just a personal thing, but she sounds a lot like Yoda. I haven't read all your other chapters, so this may be just the way she speaks. However, a more natural way to word this would be: Your fitting will be in three hours.

“However, I do know that we can begin neither until you develop your muscles.”
Again, watch the wording. 'Can' and 'neither' need to have something done to them. Perhaps it could be reworded to something like: I do know that we cannot begin until you develop your muscles.

What you did really well in this chapter was showing instead of telling. You didn't need a lot of descriptions describing what they're doing, because from the characters' dialogue and tags, I could imagine it myself. Plus, I thought you wrote the characters brilliantly. They're all individuals and no one is left out of the spotlight. Nice job. :)






Thanks! This is when I first added the new characters, so a lot of their dialogue was VERY awkward. I'll make sure to add your suggestions into my writing whenever I enter my writing period.




The continuation of our world depends more on the survival of the kindest than it does on the survival of the fittest.
— Arcticus