E - Everyone

The Cave - Chapter IV - The Four Kingdoms

The old man burst into the threshold of a particularly small hut. The inside was dim, lit only by a fire place in the dining room. There were yet even more jars and bowls in the area, and several strings of strange plants hanging from the ceiling. “Gabriel, I’m home!” He shouted to no one in particular, bustling around the kitchen. He snatched up seemingly random items laying on his countertops, and wrenching open cabinets. “Finally, a challenge.” He muttered to himself.

“So uh… didn’t catch your name,” Luke said over the din.

“Jason.” The old man answered, filling a small wooden bowl with a foul smelling yellow herb.

“What do you want me to do with Oliver, Mr. Jason?” Julia asked.

“Oh, just lay him on the table,” Jason answered distractedly, waving his hand in the general direction of the table. Julia gently eased Oliver onto the table. Lee lifted his feet, and lay them onto the surface.

Oliver propped himself up on his elbows. “What are you going to do for the treatment?”

Jason added a bowl and pestle to the ingredients on the table. “Some simple things, snap your bones back in place, you’ll eat a couple of treatments, and I can fix this in no time at all. The mere fact that you got this splint on yourself is miraculous.”

“It wasn’t just me,” Oliver corrected. “My friends helped.”

“Then even more miraculous is the fact that you persuaded them all to work together.” The man said brightly as he began grinding the yellow herb with the mortar and pestle.

A boy came into the room. He was dressed in dirty white breeches, and a grubby top. His hair was undone, but he had a handsome face. His eyes were a light green, almost silver, rimmed with forest green. He stopped, and stared at the four. “Customers?” He asked, astounded.

“Yes, can you believe it? Came begging for help.” Jason grinned at the boy and added the herbs to an iron bowl filled with water. “Get the Flicker-er.”

The boy nodded, and skirted around Jason to a queer device on the counter. It had a small cylinder on the bottom. On top of it, was a small iron bowl with a small pile of some cinnamon looking powder. The boy set the device on the table.

Jason hummed, striking two black stones together. A spark landed on the brown powder, which suddenly combusted into flames. He rested an iron disk on top of the bowl. He then set the water filled bowl onto the flicker-er. “Thank you, Gabriel.”

“You’re welcome, grandfather.” Gabriel said, facing the four. “Where are you from? I’ve never seen you in this area of the kingdom before,”

Julia traded looks with the others. Lee looked suspicious, Luke a little concerned, while Oliver looked plain wary.

“We’re from…” Julia began, but she wasn’t sure what she would say next. “… Far away.”

“Where, Ganado?” Jason asked, chopping up something that looked like a lizard tail.

Luke’s eyes lingered on the tail. “Where?”

“Ganado. The livestock kingdom?” Jason added hopefully.

“Doesn’t ring a bell.” Lee admitted.

“Perhaps Eau?”

The four stayed in silence.

“You’re not familiar with any of the kingdoms?” Jason was wary now. Julia glanced to Gabriel, who had his eyebrow furrowed, studying them as if they were a rubix cube.

Julia’s eyes flickered back to Jason. “The whats?”

Jason set down his knife altogether. “This could only mean that you are from Up-Above.”

Lee crossed her arms. “And that means?”

“That you are unfamiliar to the cave. That you are from above ground. That you are foreign. Alien, almost.” Jason answered, eyeing them warily. “You could be dangerous. You could be carrying viruses, or be feeding information to the others.”

“The others?” Luke asked confusedly.

“The others who live at Up-Above. Who may want to take over the kingdom.”

“We promise we’re not.” Oliver assured Jason. “We only got lost. That’s the only reason that we’re down here.”

Gabriel stepped back. “Do you swear? If it were on your lives themselves, would you swear?”

Lee straightened. “I swear.”

Oliver and Luke swore.

“I swear it.” Julia added.

“Yes, well…” Jason gingerly stepped forward and threw a handful of roughly chopped lizard tail into the herbs and water. The chunks floated up toward the top. “If you have sworn, you must be serious.” Jason kept bustling around, adding random ingredients without a reply.

“So, what are your names?” Gabriel asked.

Lee stuck her hand out confidently. “I’m Lee.”

Gabriel looked at Lee’s hand confusedly, but he reached forward and grasped it. “Gabriel.”

Oliver, with some difficulty, twisted around and grabbed Gabriel’s hand firmly. “Oliver.”

Gabriel nodded and shook his hand.

“I’m Luke,” Luke waved at Gabriel distractedly. He was watching Jason with some sort of fascination as he stirred a pinch of blue powder into the water, making the mixture acidic green.

Julia reached out her hand. “I’m Julia. Lovely to meet you.”

Gabriel eyed Julia’s hand the same way he studied Lee’s. Nonetheless, he shook it loosely. “And I you.”

“Finally!” Jason grinned, squeezing a yellow pod over the bowl. A drop of silver liquid, like mercury, dropped into the bowl. Tendrils of orange smoke streamed over the top of the iron bowl and crept a few inches across the table before evaporating into thin air.

Oliver stared at the bowl tensely. “What’s that supposed to do?”

Jason swished the contents of the bowl around like a panner searching for gold. “Just a simple bone correcting solution.”

Oliver’s eyes were alight with curiosity. “How does it work?”

Jason palmed two more pods from a bowl beside the flicker-er. “You will swallow the solution, which contains patinae. The silver liquid. There are several components in the solution that will mend your bones. Patinae is attracted to more patinae. So the solution will be drawn to the correct area to mend the bones.” Jason said, rolling Oliver’s left pant leg up to above his knee as Oliver hissed in pain.

“That’s amazing.” Luke said. “How many broken bones have you fixed before now?”

“Me?” Jason handed the bowl to Oliver. “Drink.” He turned back to Luke as Oliver gulped down the first mouthful. Oliver grimaced, and quickly gulped down the rest. Jason squeezed several drops of patinae onto Oliver’s leg. He rubbed it over the broken sections of bone. “You’re my first treatment.”

Oliver hacked and choked on the last gulp.

Jason waited for Oliver to finish choking patiently, washing his hands of the patinae.

“What?! Did you go to school for this?” Oliver asked.

Jason frowned and dried off his hands. “You need to go to school for this job?”

“Yes!” Lee shouted.

“Well that’s curious.” Jason muttered. “The treatment should work any second now.” The room lapsed into a brief silence.

“Well, how about some tea?” Gabriel offered.

Julia nodded. “Thanks.”

Gabriel lifted the kettle off of the counter, but dropped it again when Oliver let out a loud scream.

***

Sorry to do this to you all, but I was perhaps thinking that if I made the chapter shorter, I may get more reviews. But that just makes it better, right?

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Mageheart
Review

Hi, Cupcakes! Mage here to do the promised review! So let's get to it, shall we?

This chapter proved to be very entertaining. I knew it would be the moment Gabriel asked, "Customers?" in disbelief. You've also introduced some concepts about how the world works. Great world building there. And, like with the other chapters, awesome job on the description and overall writing! :D

There are no specific problem I could spot this chapter; I could only find the ones I've covered in previous reviews. I'll just go right to my comments instead.

“Gabriel, I’m home!” He shouted to no one in particular, bustling around the kitchen. He snatched up seemingly random items laying on his countertops, and wrenching open cabinets. “Finally, a challenge.” He muttered to himself.


I was worried that my earlier suspicions were going to come true. Luckily, they didn't. But Oliver screamed at the end of the chapter, so I'm worried that though his leg wasn't chopped off, the doctor isn't really good at being a doctor.

“Yes, can you believe it? Came begging for help.” Jason grinned at the boy and added the herbs to an iron bowl filled with water. “Get the Flicker-er.”


This made my worries grow even more.

Jason frowned and dried off his hands. “You need to go to school for this job?”


I died when I read this line. Not died like Oliver almost did two chapters ago, but died in the sense that I started laughing when I read it. :P

Keep up the spectacular work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night! :D

Thank you so much for the compliments! I'm smiling like an idiot over here. I'm glad that you got the overall feeling that I was trying to put into this chapter. Thanks for the awesome interview! :D

Hey, I was wondering, er... *Shuffles awkwardly* I heard you say that you liked my story, and I was wondering if perhaps you would like updates whenever the next chapter comes out? I'M NOT ADVERTISING MYSELF, I WAS JUST WONDERING! I'VE BEEN IN SITUATIONS WHERE I'VE WANTED TO BE UPDATED, AND I FORGOT TO SAY AND I WAS DISAPPOINTED THAT I WASN'T, UNTIL I CHECKED MY COMMENTS AND IT DIDN'T SAY, WHICH ISN'T RELEVANT, BUT OH WELL! *Cowers in corner*

I would love to be notified! I saw that you had uploaded the next chapter, so I'll review it as soon as possible! :D

User avatar
JennyImStory
Review

Poor, poor Oliver. He can't catch a break can he?
This chapter was a mixture of informative and over all cute. I'm excited to see what the other kingdoms are known for and how people have evolved to live underground. This world seems pretty well build so I'm sure you'll have some cool answers!
With your new characters this Jason seems to be a pretty laid back guy, just excepting that their from "Up-Above". And Gabriel (note: that's a cool name) seems nice. But will others react so kindly to the group? Why have people from the surface never found this amazing place? This world is really cool and I'm excited to see how it has been hiding under everyone's noses for so long.
Can't wait for the next chapter!

Thanks for the kind words! I'll try and update sooner, since the chapters are shorter now. It should only take a day or two. :)

User avatar
Desdemona
Review

Hello, hello :)

Desdemona here to drop a review.

I have not read your previous chapters, so you must excuse me if some of my remarks are unfounded or inaccurate.

I like this plot. It's promising. I wonder just how these people got here and why these other humans are living underground. Are there more of them? How do they even live here?

You've done well in evoking these questions and many more out of me. Bravo.

However, I have to say I've got a few issues, of various shapes and sizes.

He snatched up seemingly random items laying on his countertops, and wrenching open cabinets.


Tense confusion. You're better than that.



The old man burst into the threshold of a particularly small hut.


Why is it particularly small? Are there other huts that are small but not as small? Where are said huts? How did we get here? The use of particularly is only valid when referring to something that has been mentioned in the past. If you'd mentioned small huts in the preceding sentence, then you could have used "particularly" but alas, you have not. So I'd suggest removing that.

There were yet even more jars and bowls in the area,


Same error. Even more and particularly are comparatives. You COMPARE things when you're using them. Since you haven't mentioned plates before, the words "even more" are also redundant.

“Jason.” The old man answered, filling a small wooden bowl with a foul smelling yellow herb.


Inserting "as he filled" instead of "filling" would make it more obvious that the speaking was done in the course of the action.

His hair was undone,


Did you mean unkempt? Or perhaps untidy?
Undone hair refers to hair that has come loose from some sort of tie.

cinnamon looking powder

While this is also accurate, I would prefer to use "cinnamon-like" It reads better.

patinae. The silver liquid
Patinae is the plural form of patina, which refers to the basic copper sulfate which forms on the surfaces of old copper surfaces, like domes or old coins. It is green in color, and a solid at STP.


And that is all. You'll excuse my finding a lot of grammatical errors and mentioning them bluntly, for this is just the way I work.

Your plot is sound. You have a lot of room to introduce new things, as is the case with most new-worldy stories. This also means you have a better chance of maintaining your reader's interest than writers in other genres. However, don't slack off. Even if your reader isn't going to be very critical of your work, keep working hard and imagining things that your reader will not expect. Judging by your text, I'm sure you'll find that easy to do. Well done, I have no complaints left.

Keep writing - and keeping me updated of course,
~Mona.

Thank you so much for the reviews! I'm doing one major editing period when I'm done writing the book, and that's when I'll apply your advice. I never would have caught those. Thank you so much for the kind words, also! :D

Bravo :)

Editing after writing is the best thing to do. It's what I always tell my writer friends to do, otherwise they end up throwing out their books.

I've done that to several of mine. I learned the hard way.



News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.
— John Oliver