Once Julia recovered, she sprinted alongside her friends. Gabriel’s cloak hit his heels as he ran, until he reached the edge. He stopped, his chest heaving. “Excellent.”
Julia looked to see what was so interesting, but she could only see potted brown shrubs placed in a line around the fence.
Gabriel held out his pointer finger, which moved along the shrubberies. “Four, five, six, seven.” He stepped in front of the shrub, and scooted the shrub to the side. Behind it, was a hand crank. He wiped his sweaty palms on his breeches, then he grasped the handle and turned it around in a circle. A section of fence moved to the side. It scooted across the stone until the section disappeared behind the other side. “Quick, go!”
The four bolted through the empty space. The removed section of fence could be seen there. Gabriel let go of the crank. It started spinning clockwise, and the fence began to slowly slide back into place. He barely slid through a crack, but his cloak got caught in the fence. “My word.” He muttered. He tried to pull the cloak out of the fence, but it stayed stuck. He sighed, and unfastened it from around his shoulders. “It’s a shame, too.” He said, walking towards the four. “It’s my favorite cloak.”
“We’ll be back for it,” Lee assured, putting a hand on Gabriel’s shoulder.
Gabriel looked down at Lee’s hand before she pulled it away. “Yes, I suppose so.” He looked toward the castle. “Follow me.”
Gabriel led the four across the lawn. Julia tried to stay focused, though she froze when she heard a sound like sneakers on a freshly cleaned gym floor above her head. She looked up, and saw small squids swimming in the air. One opened up its beak, and let out another one of those noises.
“Julia!” Oliver whisper yelled.
Julia darted over to them. “Did anyone else see those?”
“What?” Gabriel asked. “Oh. Piccolo Calamaro?”
“Come again?” Luke said.
“Piccolo Calamaro. Italian for ‘small squid’.”
Lee frowned. “Why Italian? Aren’t things supposed to be named in Latin or something?”
“Usually,” Gabriel answered. “Though we think that whoever forged this kingdom must have been Italian, because the Piccolo Calamaro have had the same name for centuries.”
The five continued to run across the lawn. They passed a small hut, a dusty pit, a stable, and even a lake with a bench. Whoever lived here, lived in style. Finally, they stopped at a large door.
Gabriel turned to the others. “This is heavy. Oliver, little help please?”
Oliver nodded and stepped forward. He wrapped two hands around the handle of the door with Gabriel. Oliver grunted and pulled open the door just enough for them to slip through. Oliver and Gabriel pulled the door shut behind them. Oliver took a second to lean against a wall and breathe. “That was… difficult.”
Gabriel was panting too, but not nearly as much as Oliver. “Agreed.”
Julia looked around. They were in a large chamber carved out of the quarts. The longest rug that Julia had ever seen had been rolled out on the ground. There were tapestries and oil paintings hanging on the wall from stakes driven into the walls. Large doors from quarts interrupted the smooth surface of the walls. Flickering torches were attached to the walls every three yards or so. “Gee whiz.” Julia muttered.
Gabriel looked at her. “Looks fine, doesn’t it?”
Luke nodded. “Definitely.”
“I’m afraid that this is where we must part.” Gabriel said, frowning. “My grandfather will need me at home. I have never been into the castle personally.”
“Thank you anyhow.” Lee stated.
Gabriel nodded. “Come by if you need anything.” He opened the door and slid out, and pushed it behind him with an echoing thud.
“I like him,” Julia decided. “He’s nice.”
“I agree,” Oliver added.
“Come on, guys. Let’s just find our way home. How long do we have, Julia?” Lee asked.
Julia looked down at her right wrist. “I don’t know, remember? I gave it to Jason to pay for Oliver’s healing.”
Oliver frowned. “Sorry about that,”
Julia smiled and began walking down the chamber. “It’s fine. Let’s go.”
They walked down the chamber silently. Julia wished that somebody would say something, anything to break the silence, though she was too scared to do it herself. There was something foreboding about this place. Like there was once great joy and happiness inside it, but now there was nothing but a shadow of what once was there. It creeped her out.
Julia didn’t have the faintest clue how long they had been walking, when they came across a door. It was about tall enough for a grown man to comfortably pass through it. Without a second thought, Julia pulled it open.
They were in the largest chamber of all. It was probably thirty feet tall, and twenty feet wide. There was a large silver and gold rug. There were torches along the walls, but on the ceiling were several glass balls hanging from chains on alternate levels of air. Each ball was about the width of a one car garage, and was just as tall. Each was filled with weird fish. They looked like catfish, but instead of fins they had fingers with stretches of skin between them. Their wings and stomachs glowed, casting their yellow light down onto the ground.
“Holy mother.” Luke murmured.
“Uh, yeah.” Julia added. She stepped forward.
“What in heaven’s name are you doing here? I told the guards to keep the citizens out!” A grown man’s voice said.
Julia looked around. At the front of the room was an old man sitting on a throne of gold with red velvet cushions.
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Hi, Lias! Mage here to do the long overdue, promised review! I'm so sorry for taking so long to do this - I really dropped the ball on this one. So let's get to it, shall we? ^_^
I couldn't spot any overall problems, which is always a good thing. You did a great job with sentence variety and dialogue tags; I also loved the world-building portrayed in this chapter. Nice work there! I'll go into the more specific comments and suggestions now.
You had the dialogue mechanics down later on, so I'm guessing that this just slipped your mind while you writing this chapter. Remember, there should be a comma and then a lowercase letter when a character says something.
There's some extra space between "have" and "been". Also, quick question. Were the names for this chapter and the previous one reversed? If I remember right, the last one was called Piccolo Calamari but had them breaking into the castle. The reverse is true for this chapter.
By the way, I love that little detail. It's so imaginative and I just love the idea of floating squids. Though the "calamoro" bit makes me want some good old calamari...
I think you meant to say, "There were in a large chamber carved out of quartz," but please ignore me if it's made of quarts.
I love the detail here! ^_^ You did a great job at describing what I assume is the throne room.
Why, hello Your Majesty!
You did an awesome job with this chapter, Lias! Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
Thank ye' kindly! Thanks for spotting those grammar flaws. I'll make sure to add those in once I get into the editing period (ugh. XD). You were absolutely right when you said that it should have said "quartz"! thank you much for the review!
You're welcome!
I haven't reviewed this yet?!?! How did that happen?? Well, what better time then Review Day.
So. Gabriel is awesome. Who'd a' thunk it! Seriously, I really like his character, and his whole spiel about the four still being . . . how can I say this? Fetus's? Really had me cracking up. I think he'll be a nifty little guy to have around if they ever need to get out of something in a pinch. I can see it now . . . Gabriel running around like it's his own superhero montage!
But anyway, as usual this was a very enjoyable chapter. Borderline fast paced to keep the reader engaged, and a nice sprinkling of humor to keep it light hearted. I like each of the four characters and their different reactions to this insane new world.
Ohh! And your description in this chapter was really good, I loved the image you evoked of this palace. It's truly breath taking to think of a building so huge to be sculpted from crystal. I thought the way you told the reader everything was natural, and you didn't go on and on about any one little detail. Which is always a nice thing to have.
Sometimes it's really hard to rangle that part of you that want to talk about this really cool idea for just pages and pages. But I don't see any sign of that here. What the readers get are big details here and there, that almost frame the scene before them.
Over all, I've liked this concept from the beginning, you've kept me really interested in the plot, and exploring this world is pretty darn fun!
Good evening, CupcakesForRealMen. AnarchyWolf here to review this sixth chapter.
The characters here are strong and very entertaining to read about. They get along together well, and their interactions keep the pace of the story and chapter going at a reasonable speed, and ensure a great dialogue-to-narrative ratio. I think Oliver is my favourite because he comes across to me as the most comedic of the group with some of the comments that he makes.
The general grammar here is really polished. Aside from a few paragraph-and-dialogue related instances, this is very grammatically solid and it makes for such a nice, flowing read. The use of sentence fragments is skilled and there aren't so many that this becomes a mess of broken sentences, but there are enough to add a thoughtful bit of description that read like a bit of an afterthough on Julia's part.
Now, the smaller nitpicks:
Spoiler
I feel like hit is too strong of a word to use here, assuming that the cloak is made of some kind of fabric-like material.
The his isn't needed here.
You've used shrub too much here. Try 'bush' or something similar.
I feel like this sentence could be more effective if you grouped it in thirds, like: He wiped his sweaty palms on his breeches, grasped the handle, and then turned it around in a circle.
Scooted is used too many times. It's a brilliant verb, but use it once for maximum effect.
New paragraph needed due to the dialogue here.
This is mentioning him too many times in one paragraph. Switch it with 'he', and try to change your sentence starters, too.
Dialogue, so new paragraph needed.
large silver-and-gold rug
large, silver and gold rug
This is too weak, I feel. She's on edge and creeped out already which is both good and understandable, but there should be a stronger verb here. She wouldn't just 'look' around. She'd spin or twist or jump or turn slowly with the hairs on the back of her head standing up.
I feel like more description is needed in this chapter. There are opportunities for amazing descriptions of places and buildings, but it feels like we only get the bare minimum in this chapter. It'd also be better if you strayed a little from the typical adjective-and-noun description formula (e.g. large door and dusty pit) and experimented a little with similes and metaphors to bring more vivid imagery to your writing. I especially want to know more about the squids and the different rooms that the characters go through before being interrupted.
More emotions from the characters, mainly Julia, wouldn't go amiss here. You do this well when you desribe how she feels about the chambers, but there could be so much more. How does she react to the squids? How does she react to Gabriel leaving them? How does she feel about the old man's voice at the end? This could tie in the description and you could add more of her emotions by describing the setting more, and adding more of her emotions by describing the setting more. We'll get a good idea of how she feels about the chambers through how they're described.
Anyways, this is a really good and grammatically solid sixth chapter. The plot and pacing are good, and it ended with an exciting incentive to read on.
-AnarchyWolf
Hey,
Grammatical Etc. errors:
So this statement is confusing, I went back and re-read the end of the last chapter, but this still doesn't make much sense. Maybe I'm missing something when I re-read?
Plot: This is getting quite interesting. First they find a mysterious kingdom and now they have snuck into the castle and found the king. You are making sure this continues at a good pace as always.
Description: This chapter had ok visual descriptions, but continue trying to add in sounds and other things. Maybe when the fence closed it made a loud sound? Or maybe the castle has a peculiar smell?
Overall this was lovely!
Good Luck and Keep Writing
Sláinte -Junel
Thank you much! And this was Julia's reaction from Gabriel's sudden sprinting.
Oh, ok that makes sense.