A little girl dreamed of adventures,
Her own chance to change the world.
But she knew full well she might never get the opportunity,
And she was okay with that.
~
So she wrote down her dreams as stories,
And shared those little pieces of her with her closest friends.
Her dream turned to writing: to letting her voice be heard.
And she was okay with that.
~
But she learned that the path of an author was a difficult one,
Saw that even those dreams had doubts attached.
But she saw as the few faces that read her work lit up,
And that she gave those few even the smallest bit of joy,
So she was okay with that.
~
Eventually she happened upon her own love story.
And she cherished it as if it were the greatest ever told.
It was simple, but it was hers,
She was okay with that.
~
Perhaps parenthood was the closest she ever came to adventure.
Little feet on cold floors, giggles, fits, and messy fingerprints
Consumed her days,
And she was okay with that.
~
With a few she had conversations that sowed a seed of hope,
And to some she spoke the words that would change their life.
She’d never feed a thousand,
Or swoop in and save the lives of a city,
But she saw the bright faces of those she helped,
And she was okay with that.
~
And one day,
When her family was not quite ready,
Her Father called her home,
And she was okay with that.
~
And though I’m still holding out for a great adventure,
Some great excitement,
That woman might turn out to be me. And if so,
I’m okay with that.
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Hello!
This poem is quite good - the repetition of "She was okay with that" and "I'm okay with that" really brought the entire thing together. Now, time for the review:
Being a poet, I'm sure you know that it is more fragments then sentences. Little shards of imagination and feeling so powerful, that just a fragment is enough. In these two lines (and a few others), you write them as full sentences, and it doesn't go well with the rest of your poem. (As the rest of your poem is little shards and fragments of your thoughts - example: "Her father called her home, and she was okay with that") It doesn't detract too much from the overall poem, but just keep in mind the flow when determining the length of each line.
This is my favorite, and yet still my least favorite stanza. Before you start to question my sanity, I'll explain.
"Although I'm still holding out for a great adventure, with some great excitement, I might turn out to be that woman. But, I'm okay with that."
I was getting the idea that the woman, or author, in the story was having great excitement from all the things that she didn't get excitement from. Almost like she could still dream for all of it, even if she knew deep down she would never reach it. I wouldn't say "not becoming an author isn't exciting", because as the woman learned, the other, littler things in life can bring that little excitement into life.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this. You have some really strong points in this poem, and overall I'd have to rate it a 6 or 7 out of 10. (Comparing you to a "professional author", 10 being professional - so that's great!) Please, keep writing!!
~Snazz Pizzazz
Thank you!
Such a touching poem! so full of emotions and lost dreams.
.
For starters, your poem is so 'romantic'. Not that it talks about love, but that you used poetry to describe yourself and how you really feel
"So she wrote down her dreams as stories..." is the most emotionally-loaded stanza in the poem. I see through it a person with many ambitions and dreams that cannot come true in a world so mundane and cruel. Faced by dismal reality, that person resorted to imagination and sought to 'fiction-alize' their dreams by way of stories, and they shared these stories with only those closest to them.
Concerning the punctuation, i give it 7/10.
But good job, anyhow (Y)
Thank you!
Hey! What a wonderful piece! I love the sense of acceptance--and not unhappy or unsatisfied acceptance, but peaceful and contented acceptance. That said, I'm in a somewhat picky mood . . .
First of all, I do (surprisingly, for me) the variation in the last line of each stanza. For a second, I thought about suggesting you change it so that they are all the same, but the way you currently have them written help the flow, so good going!
However, your punctuation bothers me a little bit, especially later in the poem. I would recommend combining the first two lines of the second stanza, in addition to considering a period after the third line (or add an "and" at the beginning of the fourth line). Also, in the sixth stanza, the first two lines feel like a complete thought to me, and so I would recommend replacing the comma after the second line with a period. Finally, make sure to add a period after the very last line of the poem. It will make the whole thing feel more complete, and it will help with consistency--there is a period after the last line of every other stanza.
Take or leave this last comment in particular, as it is a personal preference. I think it would help clarify your main character's story if you were able to flush out the second to last stanza some. The rest feel so nice and complete, and that one just leaves something to be wanted.
Overall, great poem. Keep writing, and I look forward to reading more!
Thank you for the review! This was really helpful. Since punctuation has never been my strongpoint, the specificity in this review was a big help.
Thanks again,
Joy
Hey! What a wonderful piece! I love the sense of acceptance--and not unhappy or unsatisfied acceptance, but peaceful and contented acceptance. That said, I'm in a somewhat picky mood . . .
First of all, I do (surprisingly, for me) the variation in the last line of each stanza. For a second, I thought about suggesting you change it so that they are all the same, but the way you currently have them written help the flow, so good going!
However, your punctuation bothers me a little bit, especially later in the poem. I would recommend combining the first two lines of the second stanza, in addition to considering a period after the third line (or add an "and" at the beginning of the fourth line). Also, in the sixth stanza, the first two lines feel like a complete thought to me, and so I would recommend replacing the comma after the second line with a period. Finally, make sure to add a period after the very last line of the poem. It will make the whole thing feel more complete, and it will help with consistency--there is a period after the last line of every other stanza.
Take or leave this last comment in particular, as it is a personal preference. I think it would help clarify your main character's story if you were able to flush out the second to last stanza some. The rest feel so nice and complete, and that one just leaves something to be wanted.
Overall, great poem. Keep writing, and I look forward to reading more!
Sorry about the double comment. Not sure what happened there . . .