Young Writers Society

Hi there, JoytheBrave! I believe I've reviewed your poem Eclipse before, and let me just start with saying that you're really good with poetry. You have a certain way of writing that just gives the poem a lot of life, and I like that a lot. I absolutely loved the way you started with the poem within the first four lines. One thing I'd like to see you do is possibly continue this like a chain of poetry, going through all the seasons and writing a small poem on each of them. Of course, this is just an idea, and you don't have to do it if you don't want.

I saw dianneece mention it, and I agree. The ending line was rather abrupt and I felt like you could have given more emotion or feeling to it. Just saying "comes to pass" ruins all the action and feeling you gave the rest of the poem. I'm not really sure how you would fix that, but maybe you could extend the last line into two other lines with more feeling to them, maybe some scenery.

Rather than the ending being a bit of a bore, I thought the rest was really well written and exciting. Your poetry seems really good, and you have earned yourself another follower! ~Prez. T

Hi! My name is Dianne and I am going to review your poem today. First of all, I like the rhyme scheme you are going with. It doesn’t really have a pattern, but it works with this poem. I also like the opening image being one of sound instead of sight. Having those first three lines deal with sound more than anything else actually grounded the poem so much for me and I loved it.

You do an amazing job of painting a winter scene and I love the language you use to do so. I especially loved the line “The trees are burdened with your weight.” You have an excellent handle on personification in this poem as well.

I did feel as though the ending fell a little flat. I liked the way the poem was building itself, but it doesn’t come to a peak and the last line really blunts what you started with the rest of the poem. Perhaps you could include something else, something that shows the inevitability of the seasons changing instead of just saying that spring is coming and then everything will be different than what you described.

Overall, I thought this was a very lovely poem and I think you could really make it great.

Keep writing,
Dianne

Hello!
Now, lets start. So first, your ryhming is a bit funky in that poem of yours. You did a great job on matching words together that would rhyme, but the rhyming pattern would switch up and then their were words like weight and world that you forgot to rhyme.

Your wording was great. If you couldn't find rhyming words or just forgot with world and weight, that is something you could improve on for your next poem.

I love the ending of your poem- so don't change that.

Your poem was great and I look forward to reviewing more of your works in the future. I'd like to remind you about your rhyming mix-up. Something went wrong in there to me, so I would definetley suggest changing something up. Be careful nextime about your rhyming so you can I can see you improve.

-Sunset101

Hi Joy! You must be thrilled with this piece. It's beautiful.

For the most part, you've really done a wonderful job with the rhyming pattern. The only mistake I see is towards the end: "the trees are burdened with your weight". It seems like you kind of just threw that in there. Personally, if it were me, I would just omit that entire line. I believe that yes, it does add some descriptive value, but otherwise, it just disrupts the flow.

It looks as if you have no punctuation or grammar errors, and your use of vocabulary enhances the entire poem. Your title, however, leaves something to be desired. Yeah, your poem elaborates on the season, "winter", but does it draw attention to your poem? If you think about it, there are probably thousands of poems called "Winter". I know that sometimes simpleness is good, but sometimes you need an extra little kick. To be honest, I'm just noting this, since I don't have many suggestions. But for example, you could name it "Jack Frost", or "the veiled lady", or something, you know what I mean?

You have so much imagery and syllabically, the flow of your poem is spot on, so spot on that it's a little too perfect. That's a good thing, but I'm gonna be nitpicky and annoying haha. The only thing I was gonna suggest is that you make the poem a little more...personal to you, maybe? The whole idea is almost too vaguely interpreted. Like, for instance, as opposed to loosely mentioning how winter fills the children with surprise, you could explain how the children pressed their palms and nose to the glass and their faces lit up in surprise. I know altering it too much would affect the rhyming scheme, but just an idea.

But these are all just suggestions; if not for my personal taste, your poem's beauty would override any little flaws it might have. Your seamless, natural style of writing is amazing. I especially like the lines, "You hide the moon from seeking eyes" and "Frosted stars fall from heaven".

Really, this was wonderful. You should be so proud of it!

Yours,
Savvy