Night bird through dusk comes lightly,
Soars by the ancient moon,
And breathes a sacred shade into the world,
Where secrets thrive,
And gentle murmuring is faintly heard,
Into the solemn mist, Night bird flies,
A lonely Eden,
Uncharted paradise.
And when the stars cling to the sky,
Night bird endures,
And follows paths of twilight.
But when dawn’s blush,
Reveals the naked world,
Day bird rises up to conquer,
Night bird’s tranquil flights.
Envious of night’s beauties,
Day bird rakes her claws
Across poor Night bird’s wings.
Night bird coasts to earth’s sanctuary
To groom her tattered feathers.
While Day bird, with triumph, declares her brilliant colors.
She kisses the sun with flashy feathers,
And trumpets her elegant call,
She boasts to Night bird’s dull colors,
And her mournful song.
She smothers Night bird with superficial beauty.
No one but Night bird notices,
The true intent of Day bird.
But Night bird nurses her wound quietly,
And lies in wait for Day to sleep,
So the dark can creep in softly,
The moon can break its shackles
And Night bird sings again.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,853 Reviews
Okay Joy, EmmVeePi here with a review. My first impression is that the opening and closing are done masterfully. They are contrasting a bit but definitely parallels and make excellent bookends to the poem. Specifically I love the reference to the moon breaking its shackles as it seems the night comes in rather timidly at the start but with force and a vengeance at the end, this I like very much.
"And follows paths of twilight." I admit I did not look up the definition just now but I am pretty sure "twilight" is the failing light before darkness, not the wondrous night in and of itself and therefore I feel like maybe "paths FROM twilight" might work better?
I really like the imagery of dawn being described as the earths blush.
I also really like how you describe day bird as being envious of night as if there is this eternal rivalry between the two.
"While Day bird, with triumph, declares her brilliant colors.
She kisses the sun with flashy feathers," This again is great although I might go with the sun kissing her flashy feathers(instead of the other way around) as the imagery of feathers kissing doesn't work well.
And finally I love that nightbird is wounded and the only one who understands what day bird is doing but instead of losing her temper she wisely bides her time waiting for the opportunity to rise again.
Definitely enjoyed this piece, I hope you find my review helpful and PM me if you have any questions.
Emm
I am totally over my fear of longer poems, I got this!
Hey there Kat here to Review for Team WHY? on this epic review day
Aw I really loved how cute this is and how it has a deeper meaning. Kind of like the ugly duckling only more...magical? I thought of one really beautiful grand bird like the phoenix and then one bird much like a slightly larger crow. It's sad that so many people judge books by their covers and not by the content of their pages . I was really hoping for this to be longer, something about how the world realized how sweet night bird is, but I guess that would detract from the message XD I can dream.
Okay, negative things . Night bird and day bird seem kind of cheesy , just going to be honest , but it does make sense here so I won't say anymore just something for you to think about. To avoid interrupting flow try not to start lines with and and read it out loud to see how it rolls off your tongue . for example "And follows paths of twilight." could be "following paths of twilight." Which just sounds a little smoother . I can see ways you can take out every and and it would do wonders. It really all depends on the poem but I think it's a good idea in this case . Also, feel free to jazz things up with some literary devices but I think you have something really nice here already
Ick, I hate nitpicking but I think that'll make this poem even more wonderful. Speaking of wonderful, I loved this. In the first few lines , the way you described night was both beautiful and chilling and I really think you struck the perfect balance and blend there. You could have exaggerated the day birds pompous and evil nature more also because that would have really brought your point home.
Beautiful, simple beautiful
~Kat
Thanks for the review, Kat! It was extremely helpful; one of the most helpful reviews I've received. So thanks again!
Hello there!
The first thing I have to talk about is punctuation. To put it lightly: you have way too many commas. You don't need a comma at the end of each line, and, in fact, it's distracting—wouldn't it be, when there's a big flashing neon sign that says "PAUSE" at the end of each line? There's already a natural pause built into line breaks in poetry, so don't be afraid to drop all the commas you don't need.
Also, your sentence punctuation is odd because you only ever use commas at the end of your lines, except for a select few nearer the end. I would definitely look back through this and correct the punctuation in this poem.
The second thing I have to talk about is imagery. There isn't a lot of it in this poem, even though you could easily inject some life into the words by showing the reader what's happening—and when there is imagery in this, it's a little weaker, and it kind of feels like you're relying on images that are already in your readers' minds. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it might help if you actually expanded some of the things that are happening in this poem, so the reader can get a better idea of what you're trying to write.
The third thing I have to talk about is capitalization. I know it's stylistic, but to me, it reads awkwardly when you have "Night bird" and "Day bird" instead of "night bird" and "day bird" or "Night Bird" and "Day Bird". Or even "Nightbird" and "Daybird"—any of these would be understandable and such. This is partially because these are compound proper names, and as a reader, my first inclination is to read both words in the same style of capitalization.
For example, take John Smith. In a stylized work, you would be okay with reading "john smith", because that's part of the poet's style. But in a non-stylized work—or a formally stylized work, like this one—you wouldn't expect to read "John smith". If you're going to have capitalization for important ideas, such as Night and Day, it's only proper to extend the capitalization to Bird as well, because that's part of your characters' names.
Overall, I don't think this is bad; I think it could use a lot of editing, especially with the imagery, diction (word choice), and punctuation, but there's a nice idea behind it, and I'd love to read an edited version someday!
A quick word of advice on editing: It helps if you step back and let yourself forget the work before editing it. If you read it while the writing process is still fresh in your mind, you're going to be reading what you were thinking, not what you wrote. If you give yourself objectivity, you'll probably be able to see some of the issues I pointed out, and it'll make it easier to edit them.
Keep writing!
Yeah, commas. I don't EVER know what to do with them.
Do you have any go-to rules I could use? Or do you have time to help me correct them? This needs more imagery- I'd agree. I'll work on that. The other thing you discuss is capitalization. I didn't really know what to do here when I first wrote it, but I have a solution now. This is really only just a rough draft and needs A LOT of editing, so thanks for reviewing. It means a lot to me that you took the time to write such a detailed review.
No problem! I try to help people as much as I can, when I can.
As for the punctuation... There aren't really any "go-to" rules, unless you limit yourself to a certain style of poetry. For example, I'm usually a free-verse poet who uses minimal punctuation -- just what I need to make sure it's not confusing. Oftentimes, that means that 95% of even my essential commas, periods, and so forth, get cut out. But sometimes, I write a different style of free verse, or I write measured verse, and I use different kinds of punctuation depending on the poem.
Others, on the other hand, may be more interested in being formal poets who are more comfortable using punctuation grammatically. That is, they only put a comma where they need a comma, or where it would be artsy -- so if you want that sort of feel, then I'd suggest taking out the line breaks and fixing the lines like they're full sentences instead. You can put them back in later, but that might help you get a better look at what you're writing in a technical sense.
Have a nice day!
So nice! The way you described it was perfect! I really like everything you did in the poem. The one thing I noticed was all of the commas. I would use more semi-colons, and etc. Anyways, great job, and may you find a four leaf clover on your way home. I'm Irish, btw. My favorite part was everything! Keep on going, and good luck!
-Laelle
Commas are my greatest enemy! I never know what to do with them! OK, so, rant over. Thanks for reviewing!
Your very welcome!
Great poem!! I was at Six Flags today for a music competition, and I found a legit four-leaf clover. WE GOT FIRST PLACE!! Irish Powa!
What did I say?! It really works!