Our name is nameless.
Anonymous.
We are every man,
But no man.
At once, thousands of our stories swirl around you
Life strings
Loves, hates, struggles, joys.
But those stories don’t exist,
Not to you.
We curl around you,
Just vapor.
We will not be here tomorrow.
You will never see us again.
We are the unnamed.
Inexistent.
Placeholders
Statistics
Zeroes.
No point, but to simply fill the air.
We are nothing.
That is, at least, to you.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,501 Literary Works • 673,256 Reviews
Hey there, JoytheBrave!
It's ScytheMeister here for a quick review
Truthfully, I despise and hate when this happens but... I had no idea what your poem was about and so, my experience reading it was a little under appreciative. You were off to a great start, but I felt that you got a little carried away; there were too many ideas floating around and not enough meaning.
From what I can see, you have implied something to be anonymous.
And that is a great way to start! I loved how you had begun (although there are a few grammatical errors to cover) but... I just could not seem to grasp your concept. You start off by saying something of being anonymous, before going onto "thousands of our stories swirl around you", followed by "Life strings. Loves, hates, struggles, joys.". It does not stop there, you continue to describe odd contexts, which I felt failed to fit in with the poem.
In regards to the first stanza, where you have written
There are grammatical errors that really need revised. For instance, with this line:
Our name is nameless.
Why is there a repetitive word of "name"? It halts the flow of the poem, but also fails to impress the reader. I would change it to something like,
or
There are a number of words you could use. If you're unsure of any suitable, there are apps and websites online you can access, along with a dictionary (those are always useful!)
Furthermore, there is another issue with that stanza.
I believe I understood what you were trying to say with this line. Whatever the concept is behind this poem, takes place with or within every person, however the nameless aspect is not a man (person) themselves.
That is fine, but the way you have written the line was not presented well. I would suggest changing it to something along the lines of...
or
Something similar to that train of thought, perhaps.
Onto other areas of the poem~
As I have previously stated, there are odd arrangements of ideas and words that really don't find a reasonable existence within the poem.
For starters,
I could not find any reason for these words to relate to the poem, it really was confusing. Explain?
Nonetheless, great try. I hope to read more of your work in the future.
Good job and Keep writing!
- ScytheMeister
Hi, Joy!
Now, I'm pretty new to poetry, and I haven't reviewed anything in a very long time, so forgive me in advance if I'm a little rusty!
Now, the language in this poem is all pretty straight forward and clear. This means it's accessible, which can be a good thing! A majority of people reading this will probably know exactly what you're on about- who hasn't spent time waiting in public, people-watching, suddenly aware that every face you see has a story, but they're so far removed from your own.
Unfortunately this accessibility has a bit of a drawback, too- because you are basically making a point, then simply repeating it over twenty one lines, I lost interest again.
Okay, looking at your opening:
The oxymoron here is effective, if a bit obvious? It sounds a little preachy, also. The voice in this poem is pretty authoritative, in general- like this entity (or entities) are telling me something I do not already know, which puts me a bit at odds with the poem in general. I feel confronted.
The possessive "our" here makes me a little uneasy- you're othering your viewer, putting them outside the crowd. This further adds to the confrontational tone.
Here you're repeating your opening line, with different wording- normally this means there is some kind of extra meaning to be untangled, but I'm finding nothing more than repeated information- what you've said hasn't given me a new perspective to consider the unnamed.
This is probably the most interesting bit to me- the use of the word "statistics" has a lot of implications that bring a new flavour to the table. To just be another statistic has a lot of negative connotations, something to avoid- a victim, generally. This could be expanded on, if it's an idea you're interested in.
Again, with the tone in this poem and this ending line, I feel reprimanded, condescended at, and challenged, but not offered any solutions. It's like you're telling me I should care about all the faces in a crowd, but that's an impossible task that'd just leave me exhausted and frustrated. This leaves me feeling kind of uncomfortable and tired, if that makes sense.
On an overall note, I think this poem could benefit from some further refining. Figure out exactly what you're trying to say, and only use enough words to say it- or even just imply it. What's so lovely about a poem is that they can leave information out, it's like a puzzle or a riddle- something you can trust your reader to try and figure out, offering a new perspective. Here I feel like you have one small point you want to make- that we walk past people without acknowledging them as living, breathing humans with their own lives- and are repeating it without offering too much more.
You've got an interesting topic, that moment of clarity and realization when you look around you and see the crowd properly for what it is, and it's worth thinking about and exploring. Good luck!
hello!
I'm here for a quick review
I like what you've written but I think the title isn't showcasing what the poem implies. Maybe you could keep the title 'Invisible' instead. I think you should work on your commas and full stops. Also, check your grammar. They seem a bit out of place to me.
"Our name is nameless.
Anonymous.
We are every man,
But no man."
In these lines, nameless and anonymous have similar meanings so I assume you were going for a tautology but every man and no man do not match at all. Please look in that.
" Loves, hates, struggles, joys."
Personally, I don't like the use of the words loves and hates. They sound very immature to me.
I also do not understand the purpose of these words
"Placeholders
Statistics
Zeroes."
Please explain it, so I can give a better review for the same.
I think you can really work on this poem to make it better. Just re-read the poem. Otherwise, the idea of the poem is fantastic and I am sure the end result can be very impressive.
Best,
G