Sisters- sun and moon,
Though they rarely touch,
Race around the sky to reach,
The other sister’s clutch.
.
Sometimes moon beats sun,
And fragile minutes pass,
Where sun and moon dance as one,
Though it never lasts.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,854 Reviews
Wow! This was a unique re telling of eclipses, short and simple. Although short, it is quite to the point and displays a different view of solar eclipses. (If you wanted to, you could specify the title to be either a solar or lunar eclipse- whatever you wish to do)
I love the line "And fragile minutes pass," because the beauty of solar eclipses only last a few fantastic minutes.
Overall, great job! I shall look at (*coigh* stalk) some of your other works now.
-Falco
Thanks Falco! I will try to "look" at your works too.
Hello, and welcome to YWS! cleverclogs here for a quick review day review!
I love that this was able to be so beautiful and elegant without being overly wordy. It flows very nicely and I love the personification of the moon and sun. A few things, though:
I would remove the comma. When I read those two lines, there's no pause, and no need for any punctuation. It flows as one phrase: "Race around the sky the reach the other sister's clutch."
To me, the rhythm here is off. I feel like there needs to be an extra syllable in there somewhere. It's fine as it is, but if you could find a way to get another syllable in that line without it being overly forced, it would flow more naturally.
The last line seems sort of unsatisfying to me. It doesn't feel like the end and makes me sort of uncomfortable. I think it may be the use of "though". It sort of throws me for a loop and makes me feel like there should be more. I would use the word "but" in the last line, and maybe add a few more words.
Overall though, this was very creative and very good. My favorite line is this.
The word "fragile" emphasizes how rare and lovely a solar eclipse is. I really love the use of it.
This is really a great poem, but a few tweaks could make it amazing.
Thank you for reviewing this. I don't know all the rules for punctuation in poems so you're probably right. I will consider your suggestions and maybe add a few changes when I have time.
Thanks again!
Joy
Hello, JoytheBrave! I like how you compared the sun and the moo as siblings, and painted a clear connection. I think that, in a way, eclipses are like sisters, they race each other, try to beat each other, one's always ahead of the other-but there are moments in which they both get along, however, they are very rare.
Overall, I liked the way you portrayed this. It's a very interesting and appealing simile, and I'd like to see more writings like this. Sorry this was so short, I just couldn't find anything wrong with it! ~Prez. T
Thanks for the review!
Hi, Happy Review Day! Sorry about the blank comment below, I accidently clicked the 'submit' button. >.<
Wow! So, I loved this. I loved it so much, I want more. It was short, but very figurative and imagery-full. If you expanded on this, it could make an EXCELLENT poem.
Now, for the title. It's fine as it is, but maybe something more original, more hooking and eye-catching would fit better. 'Eclipse' is such an overused poetry title name, so if you make a title that fits more specifically and better with your poem now, I think that would be awesome.
I loved the rhyming. It's just so soft, and quiet. And wonderful. It's so beautifully written. I loved it.
Really, I don't have much to offer criticism wise. Great job, keep writing!
~ EternalRain - Team Ketchup
Titles are the most difficult part for me. I always struggle with coming up with something not generic for my titles so if you have suggestions let me know.
Sure! Hmm. You could keep 'Eclipse' in it, but add another word, perhaps? I'm not entirely sure (I suck at titles too, lol).
Hi again! I have serious review motivation today...so much that it's weird. But anyway.
Your poems just make me happy. There's something about them; I think it's the rhyming and the simple figurative language that you use to get your point across. It's enjoyable to read. This piece is fairly short, so this is gonna be a pretty quick review.
I think that the comma between "Sisters" and "sun and moon" should be changed to a colon or semicolon. You're describing the sun and the moon as sisters, and separating them by commas indicates that there's the sun, the moon, AND sisters. Which is not what you were going for.
"Race around the sky to reach,
The other sister’s clutch."
"Clutch"? Hmmm...it sounds a little strange. You say that the sun and the moon race around the sky to get to Earth, but "clutch" sounds like Earth is trying to grab them, or kidnap them or something. It takes away from the celestial, playful air of the poem. I don't know what other word you would incorporate in order to keep the rhyme scheme...I don't know. I guess "clutch" isn't too bad, but just something to think about.
The only other thing I'd suggest is changing your ending from "Though it doesn't last" to "Though it never lasts". But I thought it was beautiful. It conveyed to the reader that nature's most surreal and phenomenal occurrences all must come to an end.
Another job well done. I hope you're enjoying your time here on YWS so far!
Yours,
Sav
Thank you, Savvy. I really appreciate you taking the time to review my poems, and I am SO happy you like them. I took your advice and changed the punctuation in the first line and the wording in the last. I'm not completely sure how I could make the "clutch" part fit with the mood better, but I will work on it.
Thanks again,
Joy
Aw, you're so welcome! I'm so glad your taking my suggestions into account! <3