When the world melts away
Like the clouds with their rain
From the frozen white
To the thawed crisp green
You see something more
But wait!
Hear the melodies merge
Breathe the notes in
Say that you know for -
The first time in your -
Life you can smell the words
After this look to the sky
Look at how blue with life!
What do you see in these words?
Nothing?
A white canvas will always tear
Without the color of time and care
Come with me, do as I do,
Follow in my actions, follow in my steps
String the strings of a harmony
Is it possible to see what I see?
Listen to the chords of life
As horrible as they may sound.
Look deeper!
What you see might just be a reflection.
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
I liked most of the poem. Some parts however I felt didn't sit in the rhyme, particularly in the beginning, and the beginning was as Vox had said very vague, with scarce idea of what the poem is trying to tell. I actually liked the first two lines best, but the rest of the beginning...
I felt this part was particularly awkward, and I don't especially like ending a line so abrubtly as the second and third here.All in all a fairly good and original poem, which seems a little unpolished and rough at points.
-Amniel, the servant of the Omnissiah
Hey hey! Okay so I love the end of this poem and everything that's held in that last line and you have some lovely imagery and a good theme but I think the way the poem's put together could be improved and it's a little vague in places.
Here's a line by line:
So in general I like it but I think it could be more organised and strengthened in some places. Good luck with any changes you decide to make and thanks for the read!
Heather xx
Okay, first of all: add punctuation. That's the big thing i noticed in your poem. you don't punctuate.
[quote=]Say that you know for -
The first time in your - [/quote]
Nix the hyphens here.
[quote=]Look at how blue with life![/quote]
This line is really awkward. Maybe reword it?
Overall, the poem is really repetetive and the word choice is a bit... iffy? You have some great thoughts in there, but it seems a bit scatter-brained. like you don't really know where to begin? Strong ending, though. That's always good.
I don't really know if this helped. PM me if you have any questions.
Hmm.. Me likes, methinks...
Nice opening, I found the 'thawed crisp green' image a little confusing though. To me thawed green is either wet and dewy or covered in frost and not green at all. Maybe that's just me being dim though
Here's the first place I noticed a little punctuation would have been nice, particularly after the first line, and after 'smell the words'. It's not a drastic thing- I can still hear the flow of the piece in my head- but it's better to be able to see it on paper. Otherwise, this is all solid- love the whole sense-swapping concept in particular.
Again, more punctuation would have been great, but aside from that it's well-ended. Admittedly, I had to read it a few times to understand what you meant (or a least to get it to make sense to me), so maybe you might want to be a bit clearer in future, but otherwise it's enjoyable. Absolutely loved the 'six strings of harmony' line, no idea why, probably just my musician poking through. It's still wonderful though. Well done.
Imagery:
You have some really good imagery in this poem. And some really good metaphors. You are definately not lacking in that department. Your inagery makes the poem even more interesting and adds to it. Good job there.
Flow and Beat:
I feel that overall the flow was great. It maintained a staedy beat.
Grammar:
I couldn't find any major grammatical errors. But, then again, I may have overlooked some.
Great job, good luck, and keep writing!
~Alyss
I hope I don't sound too harsh, but I tend to start with crit, so here goes:
The first stanza thingy didn't make any sense to me. I got this impression of rain, snow, and frozen pine needles....?
The part of 'see something more" doesn't make much sense either because I have no idea what I was seeing to start with..
Okay--melodies? It's beautiful in tone and wording, but as for the lucidity...not so good.
This little part: Okay...what does that mean? It sounds disjointed, choppy, and doesn't make sense to me, anyway.
Again, lucidness is lacking. Plenty of interesting visual refferences and very poetic but very choppy, and, I have to say it... What Words?!
now this..these two lines are awesome! It's like the shining star of this whole poem.
That is pretty redundant..I'd change it at least to use more creative wordings in the re-statments.
string the strings...is blah. try saying something like 'threads' instead of the second strings
Now that last section...it's great. You did a good job.
Cheers!
--Voxina
Hey Wiseman! Thought that Narrative Poetry is an underappreciated forum and decided to review yours. I like it a lot, expecially how it sorta rhymes very subtlely. At the beginning, at least.
First of all, I think stanzas might work well to add diversity. After the , 'But wait!', and the 'Life you can smell the words', and 'Nothing', and the...hmm...methinks that would be nice. Very irregular and uneven, with a different number of lines in each.
Of course, for all I know, this is completely unacceptable in the world of poetry. I know nothing about the technicalities. Just thought stanzas might liven it up a bit.
I'm sure somebody else will get you for this later, but the way you lack punctuation and begin every sentence with a capital letter is faintly distracting. Figure out where your sentence actually stops, and stop it. The lines are just there for flow and appearence; it doesn't mean you can forget about periods and fragments.
What about adding an extra syllable here in the second line to even out the rhythym? Perhaps--
Say that you know for-
The very first [s]time[/s] in your-
Life you can [s]smell[/s] taste the words.
Taste or smell works perfectly fine. I just like the concept of tasting words.
Sing the strings of a harmony? The string repetition doesn't make sense. And adding the 'for you' adds a couple of syllables to even out the rhythym again.
I love the last line. I wasn't expecting it at all, but it gets a good abstract message across. However, I'm not sure if this is Narrative Poetry after all. It doesn't really tell a story; it has no plot, no characters, and no setting. More Lyric, I think.
Either way, I thought it was very different. As for the meaning, I'm not sure exactly what I got. It doesn't exactly get across a real concise meaning-- more like ramblings, to be honest. But that's not bad at all. Poetry can ramble.
Loved the part about breathing in notes and merging melodies. Beautiful imagery.
In one word? Abstract.
Hope this was helpful.
~Evi
Hey wiseman! (: As I promised, I'll do the best I can!
I'm not that experienced with poems but I think I know enough.
I had to read this over. I like it but it just... there's something
not right here. I want to say like the clouds with the rain but
that wouldn't be right either. You can keep it, but maybe try
something else if you can.
I think there should be a coma after 'this'.
I like that a lot! ! !
Overall
Like I explained in chat, I don't know much about poetry. I do know, though, that this was magnificent! Is the message behind it that even if the world isn't perfect all the time, deep down beneath all the messes it's actually quite beautiful? That's what I got. The ending was perfect and all in all I loved it. You didn't use just simple words, you used similes that turned it around and about.
At some parts it gets confusing and I have to read it out loud to make sure I'm understanding parts correctly. It is indeed a challenge but I still loved it.