Thanks emily
*donates 10 points*
---Jon---
Where you've gone,
I don't know.
Gone by dawn,
By sunset brings sorrow.
The freedom we had,
Turned into slavery.
Now an invisible clad,
makes pain everyday for me.
To rewind time,
Even if time permitted.
Would be a crime,
Against my heart hidden.
Hidden heart,
Or just heart hidden.
I'll do my part,
And say, "Good riddance."
This poem is good, and is a good idea for a poem, but it needs a little work.. The rhymes are really off, try making the last three letters in one word the same. and "Hidden" and "Riddance" dont really rhyme.. you should try to replace those words with somethng else... This poem will be great once you revise it.. Sorry for being a little harsh.. Hope i helped!
*Emily*
Hello there wisemann210,
I am sick so I'm sorry if this isn't as good of a review as you'd like.
I found this poem really moving it seems like a letting go kind of thing :] For doing this while you were sick it's really good and i have to give you props for that.
Hidden heart,
Or just heart hidden.
I'll do my part,
And say, "good riddance."
To make this better you could use more powerful words like soul instead of heart or words that give the reader new vocabulary. Another thing is that you could make it longer, a lot of people find short poems irritating. I'm not saying that from my perspective...I love short poems any length works for me.
I don't want to bump this but i need/wan at least one review please?
I will review your poetry too.
---Jon---
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