Young Writers Society

Hi Wisemann.

Northern star,
You’re so bright.
You sit afar,
Yet give me light.

Sometimes I wish,
I could hold you near.
But your hot kiss, This is okay but I think you could find something better.
Is what I fear. You just said that you want to hold it near and then you say you fear it?

You’re older than time,
And have seen much.
No reason or rhyme,
For the souls you’ve touched.

I sit and gaze,
At your lovely light.
Your luminescent rays,
Fill my soul every night.

You stay for night,
But leave for day.
You feel so right,
I just can’t look away.

When you leave,
I want more to see.
Until the next night,
When you shine for me.

Hello!

This is a very timeless subject that we poets like to use, yet you put your own subtle twist to it which made it very easy and enjoyable to read. Of course it didn't exactly change my life, but it is very rare for poetry to do that to me. I remember something Brad said- that out of hundreds of poems you read, only one or two are going to touch you.

What we are focusing on here isn't that- it is making you better as a poet. Firstly I'd like to tell you that your style is very good. You seem to have for a while struggled with finding yourself. Never try and change yourself in ways that are impossible. Success comes from being yourself and changing your attitudes. Not the other way around.

Tennisprincess has mentioned that you forced the rhyme a little. To be honest the rhyme didn't overly bother me, as it never really became an issue for me. The entire thing was very quick to read, so the rhyming scheme didn't slow me down. I would suggest reading poetry and listening to the aural sounds of words in everyday life. Sound them out verbally as well as in your head. Try and engage all your senses when writing poetry so that it will have the same effect on the reader. In this you were very visual.

To make this amazing, as it is already very good and has a childish sweetness and innocence to it, I would suggest taking more risks with your imagery. Don't be afraid to really put it out there and confuse the reader. We like nothing more here than a debate in YWS. Or at least I tend to like it when something in a poem I write elicits discussion.

Now, lecture over- I would like to tell you what really stood out for me here.


This line is brilliant:

You’re older than time

For the souls you’ve touched.

Hello!
I'm Tamara.
How are you today?
Well, I'm here to review your piece so here goes:

Northern star,

You’re so bright.

You sit afar, [SOme might consider this ryhme forced, but I didn't]

Yet give me light.



Sometimes I wish,

I could hold you near.

But your hot kiss, [Love the association of a kiss but you couldn't think of a better word then hot?]

Is what I fear.



You’re older than time,

And have seen much.

No reason or rhyme,

For the souls you’ve touched. [How exactly, does a star touch souls? Meh, they're there. people pass by them. What's so special about this star? You don't explain so either take this part out, or go into more depth because as a reader, I don't understand]



I sit and gaze,

At your lovely light.

Your luminescent rays,

Fill my soul every night.



You stay for night,

But leave for day.

You feel so right, [This also seemes like a forced ryhme]

I just can’t look away.



When you leave,

I want more to see. [This line sounds awkward. Try phrasing it differently?]

Until the next day,

When you shine for me.

=====
Overall: Sweet, little, piece, I enjoyed it very much. It gae me a mental image. This may or may not be a good or bad thing, it's probably both but this reminded me of twinkle twinkle little star. You know, the children's song? Yes, well some might think of that as bad so that's why I suggested to change some of the ryhming. Personally, I took it as good but much more critical people will come along, I guarantee it.
This is a beautiful piece, and you have a lot of talent. I really enjoyed it and look forward to reviewing more of your work.
With any questions, comments, or concerns or simply just to chat PM me


~ tennis