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Young Writers Society



Black Clouds of Renewal

by Jon


It was as black as black could be,
Just drifting, drifting, drifting.
Then, something magical happened,
It started to rain, pour, soak the Earth!

It washed through towns and valleys,
Taking with it hopes and dreams of tomorrow.
It stirred up history's doing, unscrewing,
What was made in creation by the Omniscient.

The rain came to make the cloth clean,
But the thunder that followed destroyed everything.
Strike! Strike! Boom, crash! The thunder played.
Like a record, it played the darkest song ever made.

When all the dirt was washed away,
Only Ghouls and Ghost came out to play.
For humans and animals alike were gone,
The world was pure, Crucifixion's Cross.

From the heaven above to the earth,
A new day was made and all raised to see--
Purity was unknown, because to see it was to
Leave it. Sacrificed water is a phenomenal gift, because ...

... It was as black as black could be,
Just drifting, drifting, drifting.
Then, something magical happened,
It started to rain, pour, Cleanse the Earth.

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56 Reviews

Points: 1630
Reviews: 56

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Thu May 21, 2009 2:00 am
alohajuice wrote a review...



it was interesting. i liked it to tell you the truth.
"Only Ghouls and Ghost came out to play."
do you mean ghouls and ghosts? and why are they capitalized?

"Sacrificed water is a phenomenal gift, because

... It was as black as black could be,

Just drifting, drifting, drifting.

then! Something magical happened,

It started to rain, pour, Cleanse the Earth."
are you saying that the sacrificed water is black? thats interesting because it seems like it should be cleaning and purifying. and black makes it seem murky or filthy

i didn't understand the whole poem but it was fine. it seemed a bit happy. the !!!! points made it gay




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196 Reviews

Points: 5388
Reviews: 196

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Tue May 19, 2009 2:19 am
peanutgallery007 wrote a review...



Heya, Jon! I'm here, as requested ^^

Lovely poetry! I love your writing style you used. Like, how you capitalized this;

It washed through towns and valleys,

Taking with it hopes and dreams of tomorrow.

It stirred up history's doing, unscrewing,

what was made in creation by the Omniscient.


I think it would be really cool, though, if you capitalized "tomorrow". It would totally go along with the Omniscient capitalization. ^^ even though I normally tell people to un-capitalize it, I think it went along nicely with the writing style.

Then! Something magical happened,


I talk like this too, but I'm not sure it's good for a poem. Maybe you could replace the exclamation point with a semi- colon, or even something as simple as a comma!

Purity was unknown, because to see it was to
Leave it.


Right here it seems your rhythm is messed with. Not good! I loved the rhythm you had ^^ so keep it! I would put the "to" on the second line :)

Leave it. Sacrificed water is a phenomenal gift, because ...

... It was as black as black could be,


Please toss the ellipses! Replace them with a semi- colon on the first line. No ellipses here, please!

then! Something magical happened,


Capitalize "then" and again, please replace the exclamation point with a comma. 8)

It started to rain, pour, Cleanse the Earth.


I love how you capitalized "cleanse"! Very original. ;)

So! Over- all, I loved your poem. Very good. Only minor mistakes, with real problems with the structure. A great piece of work!

;)

~April




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1125 Reviews

Points: 53415
Reviews: 1125

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Sun May 17, 2009 3:11 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



Hey Jon! Stella here!

Then! Something magical happened,
It started to rain, pour, soak the Earth!


I'm not liking the exclamation marks. I'm just not. Perhaps it's a matter of taste, but I think you could do with deleting at least the one at the end of the stanza. The one after "Then" isn't so bad.

what was made in creation by the Omniscient.


This line was just a little bit random...

The world was pure, Crucifixion's Cross.


I'm now taking this this is a biblical thing, but why mention the cross here... I think I might be missing something.

Okay, either this is about the Flood, or just has overtones of the flood. So something to think about it on that note: what happened afterwards? There was a rainbow, wasn't there? The sign of purity. Perhaps consider putting that in somewhere.

Overall, I thought your rhyme could use a little work, but apart from that, it was pretty good and original, though as we all know I'm not so good with poetry, so perhaps a second opinion might be best.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stel x





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