A fleeting Moment
Or a long troubled time
These are the hardships
The hardships of time
We all endure
We all go past
But remeber our rigors
Will never last
Overcoming obstacles
Or overcoming self
You can't elude them
There is no stealth
Face them strong
Face them wise
Rigors are rigors
Not your demise
---Jon---
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,751 Reviews
i like the repetition in the first stanza. also. i like the overall message of the piece. it manages to come across as hopeful while at the same time manages to be short and to the point.
hello!
Ok, this is a nice poem, but there were a few things that were troubling me about it...
others might not agree, but overcoming just seems like a bad word here - not only does it feel awkward as its the wrong number of syllables for this piece, but it also makes the first two lines of this stanza a little cliched. This is just my opinion, and you don't have to take note, but is it possible you could substitute with another word? Maybe like jumping or something? I know that isn't a very helpful suggestion - sorry!
i like the word stealth here, but i don't understand the first couple of words - there is no stealth in what? For what? I doesn't seem to make sense. surely you don't need stealth to elude obscacles. I think that maybe you should consider rewriting this stanza, as it's an important one, but the rhyming that's needed as well as the length has made it difficult to say everything that needs to be said in order to understand it.
This is a wonderful, brilliant, fantasitc (etc) last syanza that you should not change a bit of! It's the best verse, and it corresponds well with the title, you used an excellent choice of vocabulary (i.e. demise) and the constant repition over such a small stanza could almost make this verse it's own poem! In fact, if you had to, you could just make this the only stanza, although don't! Because it would be a shame to lose all of the good ideas before hand that make this poem, all in all, successful. It does, i think, need a little work on it, but i also think that it will be well worth it if you refine it and make those small changes, because it will become an even more excellent poem.
Please consider everything i've suggested, although you might not agree with some of it, in which case, i understand. I know that it can be difficult to rethink stuff that you've spent so long on.
Also, please keep writing as i would like to see more of your stuff soon. Best of luck,
from charlie. ^^
Wow i really like that the rhyme is good and the words are well chosen. I also like how you've kept it simple, it's a very well written poem!
keep at it!!!