A Blind World

I agree Heather, I'll work on it. Thankyou for doing it! I appreciate it. I'll touch it up when I have some time.


---Jon---

Hey there! To be honest, I don't like this one as much as some of your others, I found it a little dull and plain. There isn't anything that really stands out. You've got some good wording but the message and format are weak. Here's a few pieces of advice:

wisemann210 wrote:So many lives among us, [I'm not sure if this was intended to have the double meaning of lives but it sounds a little off. And I think you could have a stronger opening line. I'm not entirely sure what to suggest though. Sorry!]
Living in love, hate, and complexity. [This line doesn't really show anything. It's just words and three things that can be so different, such broad definitions. You need to set this scene out properly before you can begin to question it. You need to dedicate at least one full stanza to who these people are and exactly how they live their lives. Examples help, maybe a line that alludes to a well known historic event?]
Not to say that life is black and white,
But when you look, can you see more?

We can follow blindly and say, "yes",
We can find a truth in the lies.
We think that we think of a life better,
But is this the simplest form. [What you're saying here is a fine but I really dislike the format. I know you're repeating we on purpose to set up for your next point but it isn't necessary. Twice would be sufficient. Also, extend this stanza, give us something we can actually visualise, some imagery to back up these points.]

Our lives surround many buildings,
Filled with the corporate crutches. [Best line of the poem ^^]
We follow these rules and,
We follow what they say blindly.

We is a word of you and I,
We all know this if we think.
Coming and going out we continue
The circle, sealing humanity's fate. [This is a stanza that needs to draw the eye more. Here is where you need to build your climax and at the moment there isn't anything firm to hold onto, there isn't anything new and interesting that makes the reader think harder or see the situation in another light.]

Assuring ourselves on the nice victories, [Nice doesn't fit. Choose a stronger word.]
And seeing what we can do,
We accept our world how it is,
Change takes a wave of thought.

So many lives among us,
Living in love, hate, and complexity.
Not to say that life is black and white,
But when you look, can you see more?

This is nice, smooth, and well-written. However, I don't get it.

We can follow blindly and say, "yes",
We can find a truth in the lies. We can find truth in the lies? We can find some truth in the lies?
We think that we think of a life better, Uh...what? Maybe. 'We'd like to think of a life lived better?
But is this the simplest form. 'But is this the simplest form?' -or- 'But this is the simplest form.'

Our lives surround many buildings,
Filled with the corporate crutches.
We follow these rules and,
We follow what they say blindly. And we follow them blindly.

Dude. I don't get it.

We is a word of you and I, 'We' is a word made of 'you' and of 'I'
We could all know this if we'd only think.
Coming and going out, we continue
The circle, sealing humanities fate. the circle, sealing humanity's fate.

Assuring ourselves on the nice victories, Is there a better word than 'nice' that you can use?
And seeing what we can do,
We accept our world how it is. Something besides 'how it is' perhaps?
Change takes a new wave of thought.