Young Writers Society

@_@ Long poem!

Hey Jon! June here!

Haha, I love shredding your stuff...

On a serious note, this poem isn't my favorite.

Coming to see me again, are you?

Following me from dream to reality.

See me worthy, do you?

[s]Well, I don't want you to.[/s]

The last line seem a bit too "smart" for the poem (not as in intelligent, but more like "I'm-too-good-for-this" type of smart."

Your first three lines achieve a certain atmosphere, and this last line pretty much kills it, dear.

She's an inferno of wicked,

She's shrouded in black silk,

She's a psychic of man and,

She's the Moon's rise and fall.

Kill the repetition! It is not working here. When you write, you should stick to one sort of style as you go along. You're telling us too much here.

I'm not so fond of the change, either. You're talking in second person at the beginning, using "you" and now you're talking in third person.

It kind of makes the poem awkward.

She's trying to tell me something,

So she gives me her all.

I get to see her visions,

I get the rise and fall.

I am not going to say that these stanzas are bad, but they truly change the style that the opening stanza introduces! For that reason, I'll say that even though I love the first three lines of the opening stanza, the opening stanza does not fit the poem, dear.

This "I, I" thing isn't working, sir. It's kind of sounding... snooty? It's like a bragworthy sort of "I..." like, "I do this, I do that."

To be honest, I would do away with the wording of this stanza. I think you're speaking too much as if you're telling someone [specifically a peer] this and it's kind of not working out so well.

Send shivers down my spine-

Every time I see your outline.

In Black I see your wicked eyes,

In Black, I see no white.

You chaaaange too much! Now, you are telling us what to do (I know, I know, you're not, but that's what it looks like). I don't like the repetition of "In Black, In black; I see, I see" -- it is redundant.



NO offense at all meant by this, but the rest of the poem becomes redundant. It is as if you are trying to hard to force these words out. . .

It's like, "Words, get on the paper, now!"

You're really pulling the words here and it shows. To be frank, I think that this poem could be wrapped up in 4 stanzas. Longer is not always better.

You have fabulous ideas. You can write well. But sometimes, the two of those clash and the result is not so great as it could be.

Nice job, Jonnie.

June

Hey, Jon.

Like the person above me, to fully get into detail about this poem, I'll split it up into stanzas and we'll go from there.

Coming to see me again, are you?

Following me from dream to reality.

See me worthy, do you?

Well, I don't want you to.

I'm not quite sure if the last two lines are supposed to rhyme? If they are... change it. Because the rest of the poem doesn't rhyme, and it kind of takes out the effect. Also. That last line needs to go anyway, because it's kinda bad. Really. It doesn't seem like a line in poetry. It seems more like prose writer. That's how I can tell that you write prose more than poetry. I am also cursed with this. I find poetic language not only hard to grasp, but harder to write. Seriously. What I'd do is study poetry. As much as you can. Look and read (out loud as well!) to all different types. Modern, old. Everything under the sun. What's really awesome nowadays is a lot of poetry can be found online, for free.

Anyway.

She's an inferno of wicked,

She's shrouded in black silk,

She's a psychic of man and,

She's the Moon's rise and fall.

Ditch that comma on the third line. This stanza certainly has a strong beat in it. Like... I can hear the pulse behind it. Can you? Read it out loud. Seriously, do it. No, you won't get strange looks from your family. DO IT. There. Have you done it yet? Good. Did you notice how you sorta kinda maybe a little accented the words "She's, inferno, and wicked" on the first line? YEAH. See, that's a pulse. This would be an insane poem if you had that pulse throughout the entire piece, but alas, you do not.

Something to consider, maybe?

She's trying to tell me something,

So she gives me her all.

I get to see her visions,

I get the rise and fall.

Again, you gave us a really great pulse. On the other hand, this is another example of how I can tell you write prose more than poetry. Poetry tends to be more flowery. This is pretty raw stuff you have here. I don't get the feeling and expressions that I know you get when you read it. But then again, you are the author. You already feel what you're trying to convey in words. That's the hard part about writing. We feel it inside, and we have to manage to express our feelings out onto paper. Sometimes, it doesn't work.

Like this stanza.

Send shivers down my spine-

Every time I see your outline.

In Black I see your wicked eyes,

In Black, I see no white.

Sooooooo, I kinda said, "No, duh," on that last line. Because... yeah. Really? And now the subdued rhyming on the first two lines are really forced. This paragraph isn't working for me. And why is there a comma on the last line, but not the second to last line if they are both structured equally?

Mmmmmmm.

This is more than words:

I need to explore my heart,

And my mind will follow

This enigmatic ghost's wish.

Good. This is probably one of the best stanzas you have here. You're drifted away from the raw power of prose and came into the Land of Poetry. Let's hope you say here.

She protects me so I know

She wants my help, but,

Why me? I try to ask her,

She will not answer my call.

Enough, with all, the weird com,mas in the weird, places. Seriously. An easy way to catch these weird commas is to unfold this stanza into a big long line. "She protects me so I know she wants my help, but, why me? I try to ask her, she will not answer my call." Remember! The rules for poetry are the same for prose. Especially with commas. Only put them where needed.

Okay, so, my Mom's kicking me off the computer. A few last words:

IF YOU'RE WRITING POETRY... ENTER POETRY WORLD BEFORE YOU START.

Seriously. Whenever you run, don't you stretch a little? You warm up. The same thing with writing needs to happen. You can't expect to win the Olypmics if you just go out there and wing it. You need to practice and get better and better and warm up.

You started to be warmed up about the middle of the poem. That's when your good wordage started coming through. My advice is to write a lot of poems. Even if they are total crap, write them. Get used to how they are formatted, and what kind of language goes with what types of poems.

Best of luck,

-Jared

Hiya, I’m here because, well, it’s not cool to not review. Also, 100th Review. Awesome, I know right.

So for the sake of being thorough, I’m going to do this stanza by stanza.

Coming to see me again, are you?

Following me from dream to reality.

See me worthy, do you?

Well, I don't want you to

I actually fell head over heels for this opening line because of the very open, easy readability of it and the almost sarcastic tone of it.

She's an inferno of wicked,

She's shrouded in black silk,

She's a psychic of man and,

She's the Moon's rise and fall.

I love all of these descriptions. My only problem is with the ‘and’ in the third line. It seems to distract from the way that they read and this starts to read too much like a list.

She's trying to tell me something,

So she gives me her all.

I get to see her visions,

I get the rise and fall.

I don’t know how I feel about the second line. It feels out of place but I’m not sure why. However, I love the repetition in the last line; it has a wonderful sound to it.

Send shivers down my spine-

Every time I see your outline.

In Black I see your wicked eyes,

In Black, I see no white.

The only real issue I have here is that the first line seems out of place yet again because it lacks a noun…try adding something as simple as ‘it’ to the beginning. Also, in staying consistent, put a comma after ‘Black’ in the third line.

This is more than words:

I need to explore my heart,

And my mind will follow

This enigmatic ghost's wish.

May I ask why there is a colon at the end of the first line? Look into it for me, would you dear?

I'm entranced to her time,

I'm bound to her cause.

I need her answer,

And I'll search forever.

Most specifically the first two lines, I really like this stanza for its word choice. Yes, the concept of forever is a bit cliché but I won’t scold you too harshly for that.

Am I disillusioned by eyes

That are perfectly Clear?

My blue eyes turned pale by

Looking long at moonlight dreams.

So, there are a few things here that I think could change but rather then ramble on needlessly, I’m just going to do a quick reworking:

Am I disillusion by eyes
That are perfectly clear?
My blue eyes turned pale from
Looking to long at moonlight dreams.

For the most part, I would like to know why it is you capitalized Clear. But other than that, the image her (specifically in the last two lines) is really good.

May it be so I can see the truth,

Let it be the courage manifest in me.

Oh Mystery, just you wait a little more,

Keep feeding me your visions by night.

To be blunt, I’m not feeling the ending, specifically for the way it sounds. When it ends, it seems almost too abrupt because of the word usage. What I’m getting at is, find a way to end it that makes me stop and think “Wow, this guy really is dedicated to this cause of his. I hope it all works out well (though still tragically and poetically).”

Now I’m going to be even more blunt, I don’t feel enough emotion in this. I mean, yeah, this guy obviously must be a little confused and maybe lost about what it is he is being asked to do. But it’s not in the words that your giving us. So just work on putting more emotion into it, that way the whole story comes to life.


Hope I was of at least a little help.

~lilymoore