I agree, you need to work on the mechanics of the story, like the grammar and capitization (im horrid at that too, though). I liked the theme of it, but you should have added something more, details, or maybe just more substance to it. It just seemed to kind of cut off. The repetitiveness of it kind of got me too, try to keep the repeating down to the minimum, only for affect. Work on it a little more, I think it could turn out pretty good. good luck!
Jenni
Points: 340
Reviews: 37
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