Young Writers Society

Jon --

Quick, summary review for you tonight. You're definately improving. Like Demi, there are things I like about this, and things I don't like. This is really not all that different from your other poetry. You still have a particular message and you deliver it somewhat...stiffly -- with a lot of rigid statements and blatant imagery. Maybe I'm being a bit harsh, but lines like these:

Its red barrier holds more than is granted.

The drink will only last as long as you pour,
But too much leaves the pourer disabled

Youth sits staring into it's empty abyss. The
Drink that had made a happy future had only --
Only been an ephemerality

I dunno. They're just stiff. You attack this poem like a step by step sort of thing. You use synonym phrases -- "red barrier". You throw that big word in there where it lies like a speedbump. You tell. There's not a lot of showing. You're still focusing too much on the meaning and the story and not enough on the language and the poetry. I want images. Feelings. Impressions. Sights. Smells. And say things uniquely. Use small similes and metaphors. Think outside the box. Dance around the meaning. Create layers. Be discreet. Treat the poem like a house of mirrors, where each glance at it reveals another facet of the image you're trying to communicate to us...

I've got to go.

-Kylan

Hi, Jon! (I'm still taken aback by your name change, but I'll cope somehow. )


So, this poem was very intriguing in a way, and that's because it has things that I like very much, and things I don't like at all. The grey area didn't exist for me this time.

A youth sits with a plastic cup in hand,

[s]It's[/s] Its red barrier holds more than is granted.

He closes his eyes, takes a sip and --

It won't last for more than ten minutes.

The dash is intentional, isn't it? Have you thought about what would happen if you took it away? I'd consider that option, because the dash kind of stops the poem right there and it's painful to continue after that. Choppy, that's what it becomes. How about replacing "and" with a "but"? Considering my way of analyzing this poem, the "but" would fit in better. You know best, though.

3 A.M. and the cup is empty while a

Youth sits staring into it's empty abyss. The

Drink that had made a happy future had only --

Only been an ephemerality. Now he has nothing.

Same thing with the dash again. Also, even though doubling the "only" might feel like you're emphasizing it, it actually comes out as a little flattening. So, my suggestion is that you take away the dash and the other "only" – maybe the one on the second to last line?
Plus, here's a question for you. Did you capitalize the "drink" because it's a personification, or just because it starts the line? You don't have to start every line with capitalization, you know.

Empty dreams symbolize the thirst, empty thoughts

Fill the midnight moon as the cup hits the ground.

A youth's head sinks into his chest as his

Eyes glaze with drunken strength. (Liquid strength.)

On the second line you have the-the-the, and on the third line you have his-his. The second line didn't disturb me, though, I like it best in this stanza. The his-his, however, is a little in-your-face, if you will. I feel the last line would get more power if you took out the parenthesis, because the image of the "liquid strength" seems to be the soul of the poem.

The drink will only last as long as you pour,

But too much leaves the pourer disabled and

You have a youth at 3 A.M. with drunken strength.

Drunken wishes that will never seem to last.

This stanza I'm most torn about, since the first two lines I adored, and the last two lines I kind of... not liked. The way the third line is like a repetition of everything that's happened in the poem earlier made it feel like you think readers won't get it in the first time, and it seems a bit like you're explaining it out so no one would be confused. I don't really approve it. Also, repeating the "drunken" in the last line isn't very classy.

Wishes aren't held in a plastic red cup,

Or liquid strength. Wishes are upon that

Midnight moon as you plan, stealthily sharp.

3 A.M. is for cleaning up the plastic wishes.

Luckily you end the poem in a decent way, and I can say this last stanza is my favourite. However, when you come up with a good and unique image, like liquid strength, beware of repeating it too much. Let the readers savour it in one place and think "Wow, this is a good one". If it keeps popping up in every other stanza, it isn't good for the image of the image. (Haha!) Just be brave to leave it alone and don't force it in as many places as you can, because it creates that "been there" feeling you should never have when reading a poem.


I hope this helps, and please PM me with any questions.


Demeter
<xxxx