Distopic visions
--
It is in my moonshaded, lockless cell that the visions take me,
Wrestling me out of hard-won sleep
And casting upon me images of cinderblock forests
That grow on the concrete banks of asphalt rivers,
These stone trees photosynthesize oxygen
To smothering, choking smoke
That crowds the sleepless canopies.
-
The banks are traveled by bipedal cattle,
Unceasingly marching in the three file line
Allowed by the dense, force-grown forests of cinder blocks.
Soon they merge with greater herds into sixfold lines then nine then twelve;
Here they slow and merge into a line wide as one man.
-
Overlooking is a business man in funerary garb,
Seeing then the robots whirring and making
more daggers to drive into earth’s failed heart and lungs
And later finding his eyes upon the families queued in water lines.
-
The destitute: the old and the useless
Scavenge on refuse dunes,
Emaciated arms outstretched in search of meager sustenance
Like the roots of trees: things only the eldest can lay claim to sighting as young children
When such strange things grew.
-
The children hear no stories now, they are dead once they make words
At which time they hear discourses in mathematics
Dry enough to make the cracked ground wet with bored tears,
They are regimented into parental miniatures
Necessarily emptied of wonder and thought.
-
The growing, muted light dispels my delirium
And my fanciful eyes stare forth at a painting on my wall
I wonder at its fate (to be interred, taciturned into a box)
And wonder too at what longing that disgraced window may provoke
In the dull-minded gaze of its discoverers.
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140,101 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
I am I, you are gifted. this is truly perfect, firstly, it is packed with sense, symbolism, direct address and just well written . I loved it and it also provoked a lot of thinking in me and I also liked the unspoken challenge to mankind. writers like you are very much needed in this world to keep man in check. thank you for this beautiful piece, you have made my day
Hi, IamI!
Your poem is very well written, I enjoyed reading it! I love your use of language. The idea is very scary, the direction society is pointing in. But mankind can only be helped when mankind believes they are wrong, but the problem is no one likes to admit when they are wrong.
Good job and keep writing!
<3
Dang. Wow. This is a very... I don't really know how to describe it. I would call it a good poem, a beautiful poem, but the thing you are portraying so descriptively is far from beautiful. This is quite the world you have created, from the perspective of a man who seems to be not quite taken by the monotony and despair of this desolate atmosphere... at least, not yet. I feel 1984 from this piece for many reasons, but also Ayn Rand's Anthem a little too... without, you know, the preaching and the hope that book also brings.
The language and the way you use it in this poem is stunning. I am in awe of the way you capture words and fit them onto your canvas, perfectly capturing the bleakness of the landscape you've created. From the first stanza to the last, I have nothing to add. This, in my humble opinion, is a work of art.
I can picture everything. That first stanza, this part:
If I had to pick a favorite part of this poem, that would probably be it. The way you describe this is so creative and vivid... though I suppose that the colors depicted aren't exactly vivid colors, just shades of dismal gray. The part of the poem where you describe stabbing knives into the earth's already failing lungs and heart is also remarkable.
Overall, this poem is something... wow. I think it is something not beautiful in what it depicts, but in how it is depicted. I think others will see that in this work as well. Very, very well done. Truly.
Hello @IamI!
This poem is beautiful! Well, in a dystopian kind of way. You painted a picture of a man-made world full of doom and lacking hope.
“ It is in my moonshaded, lockless cell that the visions take me,
Wrestling me out of hard-won sleep
And casting upon me images of cinderblock forests
That grow on the concrete banks of asphalt rivers,
These stone trees photosynthesize oxygen
To smothering, choking smoke
That crowds the sleepless canopies.”
This is by far my favorite part of the poem. I love how you make the trees release smoke instead of oxygen. It really shows that it is part of a dystopian world. Your descriptions are especially strong in this stanza. It’s a great way to start off the poem and set the tone!
I also enjoyed your explanation of how the children are living. They are forced to study boring subjects and never get to read stories. They are just younger versions of their parents, just like you said in this line:
“ They are regimented into parental miniatures
Necessarily emptied of wonder and thought.”
One thing I noticed that needs to be fixed is the second title. It says “distopic visions”, but it should be “dystopic visions”. Your grammar and spelling is wonderful other than that! Thank you for writing this and letting hungry readers like me read it!!