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Nightsongs: part 1: 15 nocturnes, No.1

by IamI



I

One last dance my love

One last waltz in the shadows with the fireflies

To a nightbird’s concerto with the crickets

One last twirl my love, In the twilight

Through the grass near the river

One last dance my love


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559 Reviews


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Sun Jan 26, 2020 11:57 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi, IamI I'm FlamingPhoenix and I'm going to be leaving a review for you today, Before I begin if I say anything to upset you please know I did not meant to offend, I'm only here to help.

Okay so with that said let begin with the review.

I would like to start off with pointing out things I saw that I would like to just talk about.

To start off I would like to talk about the I in the beginning, was that a mistake? Because it doesn't go with the rest of the poem, unless you forgot to write the rest of the line. If that is the case then I would suggest you fix that up. :)

Now that was all I saw that could be fixed, now I would like to talk about things I saw and likes.
So I kind of feel like that could be so much more added to this poem, I mean it's so wonderful, your flow is really good, and it put me in a your little world you've created so well, but it feels like it ended to see, I just can't help but feel like there is so much more to this. But that could just be me.

But like I said before this was really well written, and I enjoyed reading it, if I'm honest I read over it a few times, And I look forward to reading more of your works! I hope you have a wonderful day or night and continue writing no matter what. :D

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix

Reviewing with a fiery passion!

Happy Review Day!




IamI says...


The I is a Roman numeral, there are fourteen others and instead of naming them all I just decided to label them with Roman numerals.





Ah okay. :)



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Wed Jan 22, 2020 10:13 am
ChrisDixon wrote a review...



Hi Iaml. I am here to review. I just want to say that this peom is amazing and I enjoyed it very much.
I hope I am not mistaking😊
And as always no offence.
In the beginning there is this l and blank. I think you should erase it. Just suggesting.
I suggest you should fix "one last " to just "last dance my love". And "One last waltz...." to "Last walz....." Deleting "One last".
Or you could do:
Last dance my love
One last waltz in the shadow with the fireflies.
And one last suggesion.
"One last twirl my love, In the twilight" could be "One last twirl my love, in the twilight" Or maybe to:
One last twirl my love
In the twilight.
Keep writing!
>Chris
🎇




IamI says...


I feel I'd lose the rhythm if I did that. I also deliberately made the first line the ending, they are all like that, I have them all published here if you're interested in reading them.



ChrisDixon says...


I guess am so used to writing stories that I forgot that peoms are different. Sorry. And I would love to read other peoms you wrote.



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Wed Jan 22, 2020 7:16 am
JazenKnight says...



Critique
.In the start of this piece you start two lines with ''One last''. That felt redundant somehow. To fix that I'd just remove the ''last dance my love''
I agree with highflyer-this is a beautiful Nocturne.
Keep writing,
JazenKnight




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Tue Jan 21, 2020 2:35 am
highflyer wrote a review...



Okay, just a quick review because I'm tired, but I feel the need to comment. This is really pretty. Like, REALLY pretty. I'm a mega beginner when it becomes to poetry, but this hits different to anything else I've read before. I just really love this whole vibe, seriously keep this up because this is some GREAT stuff, and some fantastic emotions are conveyed.

Keep up these magical vibes, these hit different. Keep up with the good work, you have serious talent!

- Reviewed by Highflyer <<




IamI says...


Thanks! I put out all fifteen as one document earlier today, they should be in the poetry section if you%u2019re interested.



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Sun Jan 19, 2020 1:45 pm
IamI says...



it is supposed to be sep0erated into two stanzas, the separation occurs after the third line.




ChrisDixon says...


I agree.




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— Isabel Quintero