Beyond the river Styx I see
My future standing in front of me
On the other black sand bank
Behind jet black mist and stony fog
I see my future shadow
A silhouette as dim as a far off memory
=
I spoke to him, over that rushing, dismal water
I stuttered out a question
There was no answer from the black sand bank
I said it again, more calmly more sure
No answer came from the black sand bank
=
I asked again, louder
it rang off the walls above the dismal black water
The mist began to clear in answer
A skeleton crumpled on that black sand bank
=
I have seen what lies at the end of eternity
Grains of stars like sand blown into darkness
Beyond hope of human eyes
I’ve seen what lies at the end of time:
blackness.
=
There are peeling bells at the end of time
Some say, I’ve seen what lies there.
There is no sound but the breath of the death of eternity
As time come silently crumbling down into dust.
=
The end of eternity is black some say, is black,
Black is too bright a color to name
that blackness, a void beyond words
Beyond what mortals can dream.
=
Beyond what we can see
the end of infinity.
Where space holds no meaning,
Where time is a word and nothing more.
=
The world may end in fire some may say
But not to be, such a valiant, romantic fate
It will end in a whisper, in a chill beyond words.
So ends eternity.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hi there! Vagrant here for a short review.
So I liked the poem. I like the way you have described things and also have a positive outlook on the word choice. The writing style is good and appealing. The structure of the poem is also fabulous and is quite neat.
All the comparisons drawn and metaphors are also interesting.
All in all, nice work!
Cheers!
thanks.
Hiya! It's Mack just dropping by with a review for ya!!
First off, these were very interesting poems that you've written. I gotta say that, in my opinion, I feel like you nailed the theme of nihilism here. Beyond the words, I can sort of feel everything you're trying to convey about the understanding of life and the universe or more so the meaninglessness behind said understandings.
In "The river styx", there were a few things that didn't quite flow right as I was reading it. The first stanza seemed like it was trying to rhyme in certain places but, because of the differentiating syllable counts in each line, it didn't quite fit. For the line "Behind jet black mist and stony fog" the extra adjectives make the line a little too long so I might remove "jet black" or in the lines after "I see my future shadow/A silhouette as dim as a far off memory" you could modify it to something like "I see my future shadow/Figure as dim as a far off memory" to also blend the lines.
There's also a place of confusion for me in the lines "My future standing in front of me/On the other black sand bank" because at first it gives a visual of the future you being directly in front of you but reading the line after makes it seem like future you is actually across from you. I might suggest changing "in front of me" to "across from me" which might help the visual flow.
You also used the word black to describe things multiple times through the poem and I might suggest using synonyms in different places so as to make some lines stand out more boldly than others.
Beyond that, I don't really have any other questions or critiques. I loved Oblivion, it felt like something I could relate to and understand and I think you did a really good job in writing both of these poems! Well done!!
~Mack
Thanks! I'm a bit busy right now, but I'll look over your feedback in more detail later.