Young Writers Society

Hey there! This is Ashwin dropping in with a review. I hope you find it useful.

I found both poems extremely well - written. Like Haraya states below, the use of words like 'descry', 'rictus', 'betide', 'thusly', 'Aflames' and 'thine' gives your poems a very medieval patina and this compliments their themes perfectly. It reminds me of poems like Invictus (by William Ernest Henley) and When I Consider How My Light Is Spent (by John Milton). So Kudos to you for that!

You did mention that your poems were going to be in iambic pentameter and while you did stray away from the meter on several occasions, I don't think that's a major issue per se. There is no real need to confine your creativity within the rigours of meter. That's not to say that you should eschew it either - meter can often shape the rough contours of how your poem will read but don't let it limit you - many great poets willingly change meter within poems to convey something of value to the reader.

In the line: "And of rising ash and of life renewed." - The second "of" seems unnecessary. I understand that it is necessary to complete the full pentameter; but it looks like something I'd do away with.

I also felt the line: "Aflames my skin like a thousandfold thorn." - didn't read right. It felt as if it didn't flow naturally from the line preceding it though they do deal with the same subject. Maybe there's some issue with the grammar? (I'm not sure though!)

Also as MoonIris points out in her review, there is certainly something grammatically wrong in the line:
"When the judges are those who our making rue?"
I think you meant "are" instead of "our".

I am certainly very guilty of nit-picking here, but that's just how wonderful your poems are! I am certainly looking forward to reading more of your works.

Ashwin

Hi IamI.
It's a nice poem although I don't know what an Iambic poem is. I understood that it's about the rhythm of the poem but not exactly what that rhythm is. I'm going to do my best to write a helpful review. As Harayata already did one about Stomeheart I'm going to do one about Lament.
Let's start with grammar.
"judgement'
I think it should be judgment.
"When the judges are those who our making rue?"
I think you meant who are making rue.
The poem it's written clearly. We can understand the melancholy of it. Although at the end it switched from pain to judgment. The change is a little sudden and it sounds odd to me. Maybe you could a line where you make the link between lament and judgment.
I'm sorry I couldn't help you with the Iambic verses more but I still hope my review helped,
MoonIris.

Hey there IamI, I'm here to drop a review on your poems!
First of all, you've done a really good job. The syllable count is solid and your diction is marvellous. There are a few nitpicks I'd like to make, however:

No shrill plea will rend my blade-bloodied lips

No rictus of fear will your gaze descry.

Your ears will hear with fear dire songs of fire

Watch as I rise, a cinder bird calling,

cold empyrean shell ember

the sun shines like cold-glimmering coal

Hello! Haraya here with a review.

I'm only going to give my review on your work Stormheart, since I think it would be difficult for me to give constructive criticisms for both.

I'm sorry if I may be too direct. You said in your description these poems were in iambic pentameter. In your work "Stormheart," the first line does not follow this. I will write each stressed syllable in capital letters and place slashes after every two syllables. Also notice there is one extra syllable.

The STORM / WAter / CRAshes / uPON / GRAY STONE / SHORES

"Water" and "crashes" weren't iambic. Meanwhile, let's look at the next line.

And I / am CALM; / let LOOSE / the WOLVES / of DAY,

This sounds a lot better. There are other lines that didn't follow the intended rhythm and meter, so I suggest to recheck the syllables and stresses.

The vocabulary and language you used in "Stormheart" at first seemed daunting, but after researching the words, they actually sound nice in this poem. The effect of using this language makes your poem sounds medieval, which I think is appropriate to the chivalric theme of this poem. My problem is you immediately started the poem with a metaphor, which caught me off guard, since I thought you were setting up a scene. I suggest use an introduction that would set the tone for this poem and clarify its subject to the readers before introducing a metaphor. That way, the readers can properly grasp the figurative language you will use.

"No rictus of fear will your gaze descry.
Your ears will hear with fear dire songs of fire"

In these lines, the sudden shift from enduring pain to fighting back seemed too drastic. Maybe consider breaking these lines into stanzas. That way, there'll be a more organic transition between your ideas.

That's all I wanted to point out. Hope my review helped. Best of luck to you in your future works!