1/3/08
078 – Where?
“Here?” A pointer slapped at a digital map.
“No, sir. We’ve been over that area a hundred times.”
“How about here?”
The curly coif shook. “No, sir. Two hundred times.”
The pointer slapped at another screen. Technically, the general should have been using a laser pointer, but they weren’t direct enough for him. He needed to feel the impact of the tip on the surface. He had to know exactly what he was touching and how hard. Lasers were just colored air.
“Let me guess…”
The fresh-faced assistant shrugged wearily. “Guess, sir…”
“Five hundred times, yes?”
The curls bobbed as the head shook. “More like a thousand, sir.”
The pointer nearly snapped as it swung around to one last screen. The assistant’s head was shaking before the sound of the slap faded.
“Where are those damn things?”
The general threw the pointer down in disgust. It clattered on the floor and rolled under a table. The assistant made as if to pick it up, then seemed to change his mind. A secretary slipped on the end as they walked by. Papers scattered everywhere. The general didn’t notice and the assistant ignored it.
“Is there anywhere we haven’t looked?” The general glared past the assistant at the screen. The younger man scratched at the back of his neck.
“Well, sir, we haven’t looked in this quandrant,” he said, pointing at a small red area on one of the maps. The general shook his head.
“Good thing too. That’s out of our area. That’s Pakistan’s responsibility.”
The assistant glared at the map.
“I’d bet a good deal that’s where they are,” the general continued. “Pakistan’s a neutral party in this. They didn’t have anything to do with the Mutts and they don’t want to get involved.”
“It’s really stupid, if you’ll excuse me, sir. The Mutts don’t care about borders. Why can’t we just go in there and look ourselves?”
“Nothing I can do about it, boy. If only those higher up than me would realize how important it is for everyone to get involved. But we’re run by idiots. That’s just the honest truth.”
The general clapped the younger man on the shoulder. “Don’t ever get stupid.”
The assistant smiled wearily. “I’ll try not to, sir.”
Another clap on the shoulder, then the general straightened into formality once more.
“Let’s see if we can find somewhere that hasn’t been run over with a microscanner yet,” he announced, extending his hand expectantly for his pointer. The assistant retrieved it and the slap of it against screen echoed throughout the room once more.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Hmm...this certainly does seem like it can safely be read without having any knowledge of the previous ones so I'll just get right to this. This seemed like a pretty neat scene. We don't really know what's going on her exactly (this is probably because I haven't read the others) but this as a standalone scene flows quite well and is definitely quite enjoyable to read. It reads like a pretty nice little conversation.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well pretty standard start to this. We are not getting that great of a hook through this start. Its just a standard random line.
Nice little piece of humor there. I'm assuming the colored is also a part of the joke because a laser is definitely not colored air.
More lovely humor.
Not sure if this is me being overly nitpicky but I do think you should mention these papers being removed by the person who dropped them or we wonder what happened to them.
That last line of dialogue feels a little off to me. It's not grammatically wrong or anything, it just doesn't sound like something somebody would say.
The word slap gets overused here. The first couple of times its quite funny but when you use it multiple times it tends to lose its meaning a bit and it just sounds awkward.
Aaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall its a pretty realistic conversation besides that one line I pointed out. It flowed well and it didn't really tell a story but it did still sound like a pretty nice scene from a proper story. And there was a lovely humorous tone to it and that was certainly a lot of fun to read.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Sorry, I haven't been on for a long time (I've been gone), so I was only just able to catch up.
Ender series...)
Also, I have little time for a good crit right now. I really liked this part, it seems good and lightly political. (Nothing compared to the Orson Scott Card books I'm reading right now, though
One thing: "“Where are those damn things?”" Maybe you should put the "are" in italics for more emphasis.
Sorry I couldn't be very helpful here... it's hard to keep up with this, let alone critique all of them.
Someday I'll get a good one though...
Teh Wozzinator