8/18/08
004 – Insides
There were only six board members present, but the meeting room was small and so Mallory felt as if she were being crushed. Her spotless starched lab coat was squeezing her like a boa constrictor and the room felt like the Sahara. All eyes were on her as she showed slide after slide of data on the screen. Her laser pointer’s batteries were dying and so she had to resort to pointing with her hands, which involved standing in front of the screen and having the projector shin graphs on her forehead. It was not going well, in her opinion. She was going to kill Geoff for making her do this.
The scariest member of the board was not the head, Mr. Carter, but actually the manager of financial divisions, Mrs. Oakley. For such a spinster, first-grade-teacher name, Mrs. Oakley was thirty years old and had a figure Mallory would have killed to have. She was a widower and the rumor was she had killed her husband for the insurance money. She was the one who would be handling the budget sheets for this operation, and if Mallory didn’t pitch the concept right, it was Mrs. Oakley who would cut funding. Mallory was really going to kill Geoff.
“And so, ladies and gentlemen,” Mallory continued, pointing to an elaborate number sequence that was the official title of the Mutts project, “the only thing standing between our successful experimentation and a marketable product is the fertility issue.”
A tall, thick man – Mallory had forgotten his name – raised his hand like a school boy.
“I thought you said the subjects were fertile, able to produce offspring.”
“No, sir. I said they could gestate an implanted embryo successfully to birth, however, they are unable to reproduce through natural means. They’re infertile.”
The broom-thin Mr. Jude took a delicate sip of water from the glass in front of him and spoke up.
“Why not leave them infertile? It would make population control much easier, as well as selective breeding.”
Mallory swallowed, her mouth dry as sandpaper. This was the tricky part.
“That option has been considered and on paper, it seems to be the best option. However, to make the Mu… to make them a viable option to some countries, natural reproduction will be the only option. Population levels can be controlled through other methods. Of course, other forms of reproduction could always be used, but at least natural will always be an option if it comes down to it.”
The board members conversed among themselves for a moment, leaning across the table towards each other and murmuring in low tones. The last to separate were Mrs. Oakley and Mr. Carter. Mrs. Oakley apparently had a lot to say, because Mr. Carter waved her impatiently into silence so he could speak. She sat back with a sullen scowl.
“How exactly do you plan to proceed with this new line of experimentation?”
Something inside Mallory swelled. It wasn’t a ‘yes’ in as many words, but it was Mr. Carter’s version of an affirmative. She had done it. As long as she could make the financial options attractive, the new budget was as good as given. Geoff owed her big time.
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Hmm...a somewhat longer story this time that seems to be taking place before the Mutts were produced or maybe this is them pitching for improvements to the original models. It isn't too clear as to which of the two it is. Besides that I think you do a fairly decent job of showcasing that this lady is under pressure and trying to pitch these ideas. It is definitely the most comprehensive scene of this series of stories that I have seen so far.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Pretty nice description to start things off although I have to ask why she did not get fresh batteries for her pointer coming into such an important meeting. Seems like a brain fart decision made purely for dramatic effect.
Oh dear that is quite the problem to have right there.
Mallory swallowed, her mouth dry as sandpaper. This was the tricky part.
Definitely sounds like a rehearsed speech right there so if that was the effect you were going for its spot on.
Hmm...not sure if this is a happy ending or having read the rest of this a sad one.
Aaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Aaand that's all I'll be looking at for today. Definitely was a lot of reading these bits. I felt this was the most fleshed out piece you've written in this series so far. It just felt like a lot more of a story was happening here and the characters had the most personality in this one. And just like the last few it was quite fun to read and pretty well written.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Sorry for the kinda-late review...and the worst thing is, I wasn't even that busy. >_> I just...didn't feel much like reviewing until now.
The "and" is unncessarry.
I don't like the use of "was squeezing", but it works within the context, so...I guess I'm being too picky. >_> And perhaps the boa constrictor needs something to constrict--"like a boa constrictor suffocating its prey"? O_o
This is a veeeery awkward sentence. I understand the point you're trying to make, but the way it's phrased is confusing. And I think you left an "e" off "shine".
"Despite having a name like a spinster first grade-teacher"? Hmmm, but that makes the sentence overladen with "haves"...but I dunno. The first part doesn't flow well.
"Really" is weak...instead of just saying "she really wanted to kill Geoff", why not describe how she's going to do it? Like, does she want to stab him, or strangle him, or dangle him over a crocodile-filled river and let them take chunks off him? Like that. It evokes a stronger image in the readers' mind, and emphasizes the extents of Mallory's unhappy position.
I don't like the "that was"...but I can't think of anything to replace this. >_> I'm a horrible reviewer, aren't I, always nitpicking but never being able to offer any suggestions.
Nice use of figurative language.
A few too many adverbs here (pot calling kettle black...)
I don't know what this is supposed to mean. Sorry...>_>
Again, instead of saying "big time", try to emphasize what he owes her. Lunch for two? A new car? Something like that. XD
Overall: To be perfectly honest...I didn't like this as much as your last one.
I'm also not really seeing how the title ties in to the story--I like how your titles don't directly refer to the story (i.e. they aren't title drops...while I like titles like that, I can also appreciate the more subtle kind), but are still connected with the overarching idea in the story. This title, though, I'm not really seeing how it connects to the events of the story. Again, that might be me just not having the read the other stories. Perhaps the title has some significance I just don't understand because I'm ignorant and I haven't...
Yeah, I feel like there's a certain something I should do...perhaps this weekend...