12/17/07
003 – End
Stanton sighed as he unfolded his morning paper. Someone had brought him an English muffin – heavily buttered, just the way he liked it – and he crunched down on the toasted morsel as he scanned the headline.
“MUTT UNITS DEPLOYED” it screamed. Idiots. Now there would be mass panic as the GM-phobes protested. Oh well. At least it was better than rioting if the press kept quiet and they were discovered. There would be screaming of conspiracy and all that.
There was also the concern – this one actually reasonable – about the fact that more than a few warring countries had all purchased Mutt unites. Howland Industry hadn’t discriminated when they had collected money from the sales. All they cared about was sucking up as much profit as possible. Idiots. Let’s just hand out killing machines to people who might come and use them against us.
“Sir?”
Stanton looked up at the soldier standing before him.
“What is it?”
The Mutt saluted. “They’re ready for you at the briefing.”
General Stanton stood with a groan. Time to go to war. The end times had begun.
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Hmm...this one was a lot shorter and is clearly from earlier in the timeline I think judging by the date. Another short scene although this one feels a little too short to be telling us much. It's just sort of happening and it tells just a smidgen of the story. I am however starting to now get some sort of a picture about this whole story and I that's great because I am now able to understand what the general situation of this world is and what actually ends up happening.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Kind of a standard opening but points for a great description of food and establishing a sort of relaxed atmosphere to start things off before they just escalate very, very quickly.
This part reads too much like a giant info dump for my liking. I realize that there is probably not much of a viable alternative to this but it just interrupts the flow and sticks out far too much amidst this story.
Neat little change of tone there with a bit of a surprise reveal. I certainly never saw it coming. The one thing is that "end times" just sounds really awkward as a word to me.
Aaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Another short and sweet piece. Well written just like the other three that I went through although this one was not quite as well done in terms of pacing and sounding like a natural scene. It just seemed like two disjointed parts and didn't quite seem as the same level as the other three that I read. But it was still pretty fun to read.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey, hon.
Needless to say, you've got me hooked on Mutts.
Ta,
Cal.
'Idiots.' Haha I love that.
I really like this, you've introduced Stanton very well. I also like the way you've added a comical side to a serious situation, it's very clever.
I can't really see anything wrong, so keep up the good work. Kudos.
Oh, how true of humans...
Make a super-deadly weapon and then sell it to other places so that you can make some money and they can kill your population. They are idiots. XD
It's really good, I like the idea, the plot, and the way it's written, with all the different parts that seem unrelated... for a while.
It's definitely coming together.
Okay, the breakdown:
I loved your first paragraph, well done there. (Pun not intended)
I liked the second par. because of the thought that seemed to be put into it.
Third paragraph: I didn't really understand the "this one actually reasonable" here. Use it if you want, but maybe try something else.... Also, in: "...had all purchased Mutt unites" the last word shouldn't have an e.
Nothing more to say until the last paragraph, where I thought "The end times had begun." sounded a little weird. Maybe rephrase that... I don't know exactly how.
So as I said before in this post, and in other posts, this is a very cool story. Thanks again for PMing me. I can't wait to read more...
Keep writing, please!!! I should mention again that this is in my top five favorite stories on the site.
Teh Wozzinator