These do not have to be read in any order in particular. The numbers have to do with which prompt of this challenge the story is written around (72 in this case) and which I wrote when (this was the 26th I tackled).
7/26/08
072 – Fixed
The AI unit lay still on the examination table. It was still and silent in sleep mode. All that remained functional were its ear microphones, waiting for the order to awaken. Alongside the table, two mechanics were scanning the numbers scrolling down a large display screen on the wall. The readouts of the AI’s computer. Every so often, there would be a tap of a stylus on a digital clipboard and the screen would beep as the image froze. One of the mechanics sighed. It turned into a yawn.
“That’s it,” he said through the yawn. “If we don’t find something in the next five minutes, then I quit.”
The other mechanic, a woman, objected.
“But, Tom… Conner said…”
“I don’t care what Conner said. We’ve been at this for nearly three hours. Five minutes and I’m done.”
The two lapsed back into silence. A few minutes passed.
“Sorry, Karen,” Tom finally said. “I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’ll buy you a cup of coffee when we’re done, eh?”
“Okay.”
Another period of silence. Then there was a clattering as Tom threw down his clipboard very near to the AI’s head. The sharp sound echoed through its circuitry.
“Well, that’s it. I’m done. C’mon, Karen, We’ll see if that little place on the corner is still open.”
“Hold on. What’s that?”
“Nothing. It’s nothing. Let’s go.”
“No, really, Tom. Look at it!”
Tom groaned. “It’s a two, Karen, so what?”
“Here. Here, here and here.” Each of Karen’s ‘here’s was punctuated by a vicious tap of her stylus and a corresponding beep from the computer. Tom’s breath came faster.
“No, that’s not possible.”
The clipboard clattered as Tom picked it up and the computer began to beep frantically as he cycled through the readouts.
“What the hell is going on here? His voice was barely more than a whisper. “How could I not have seen this? Conner was right.”
“It’s been thinking.”
“No, it couldn’t have.” Tom was trying to convince himself. His voice shook. “I’ve been working too hard. It’s a glitch, that’s all. A malfunction in the computer.”
“But…”
“Malfunction. In. The. Computer,” Tom annunciated each word carefully through clenched teeth. “Let’s wipe the hardware and send it back to be reprogrammed.”
“But…”
“Just do it, Karen.”
A moment of silence. Utter and complete silence.
“I need some coffee. Come on. We’ll get some coffee and come back.”
“All right.” Karen didn’t sound very enthusiastic. The clipboards rattled once more as they placed them on the table tops. The two mechanics left the room. The AI remained still on the table. The first self-aware computer.
A/N: (I feel a bit repetitive by this point, but I keep getting new readers, so sorry to everyone who's read this before.): "Mutts" is written based on the 100-fic challenge on Livejournal. It's pretty cool and I recommend giving it a whack. One of it's main virtues is there is no time limit.
Gah, I was just reading a plethora of Isaac Asimov's robot works, and I can't help but wince at how badly I've butchered his concepts. It feels like I just copy and pasted here, when it actuality, this was written months ago, before I was really at all familiar with Asimov outside of the "I, Robot" movie of a few years back. So, no, I didn't mean to copy the guy but it's hard to do something he hasn't with this particular aspect of the genre (if you've read any of his robot works, you know what I mean). Well, I have robot police officers. But he has robot public officials. *sigh* Whatever. I came up with the Mutts.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,482 Literary Works • 673,249 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Hmm this one was certainly set in a different type of scenario from the rest. This one unlike the others which were all horrible or all nice endings this one seems to be somewhere in between and a lot more sciency overall than the other ones were. So this is a fresh look at this universe that you've built and it was quite nice. You portrayed some pretty realistic emotions and overall did a really good job just like in the previous ones.
Anyway let's get right to it,
That is definitely far too long to be doing something for although I would probably have been stupid enough to continue for that long.
Why is he being vague here or as CinemaSins would say why are they playing the pronoun game? Seems like a situation where being very straightforward would be the best here.
Well that certainly sounds quite ominous right there.
Okay and then the word was destroyed.
Aaand that's it for this one.
Overall: So besides the slight use of the pronoun game there the rest of the dialogue here was pretty good. I can certainly see two real people talking like that. The overall flow of the story was also great and the whole thing was very well done. It was a pretty fun story to read and a departure from what I've seen is your usual style and the fact that it is still just as good speaks for in itself in how nice the writing is.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Yaaay! More Mutts stuff--and about the robotic police officers, too! Let's see--
You used "still" in both these sentences; that feels a tad redundant. Methinks you could also combine those sentences to flow more naturally, but this may be my fondness for longer sentences as opposed to yours for seemingly shorter ones. >_>
These two sentences should definitely be combined, as the last one is a fragment. Something like "...on the wall--the readouts of the AI's computer".
Haa, nice characterization. Me likes.
This is a bit awkward and sparsely worded. It could do with some elaboration...something like "The two lapsed back into silence, neither saying anything for several minutes". Or something like that, I'll admit that's not a stellar example either.
I'm a bit confused here, as I don't quite get the meaning you're aiming at. What does it mean, "echoed through its circuitry"? You might need to explain this better.
Neat. I like the way you characterize the characters (redundant...), not through infodumps but simply through their actions and interactions. It's very realistic--I can just pictures these characters.
It'd probably been better put as "barely above a whisper". Also, I feel like Tom's dialogue needs a few italics for emphasis...but that may just be my personal preferenes speaking.
I feel like this sentence is supposed to be more dramatic...the story's high point, if you will. Something like..."It's been...thinking." That helps convey more of the scientists' disbelief, and is probably more like the way they would actually say it (if they were real people).
I think the word you're looking for there is "enunciated".
I know this moment is supposed to be intense and dramatic, but these two sentences are just...too flat and uncompelling. "Utter and complete" doesn't really describe the silence; they're just two adjectives that mean nothing. I can tell you're trying for a sparse style, and I certainly wouldn't want you to overload with description, but all the same...these sentneces need to be elaborated more if you want the dramatic impact to really be felt. Otherwise they just feel a bit cliche and flat.
Again, this is mostly a style difference between you and me, but I can't help but feel that these sentences are a bit too...choppy and brief. I can't exactly think on how to combine them, but I know at least two of the ought to be combined for the sake of natural flow...the first and second, or the second and third. I think I'll you to pick which ones, though...
All in all...actually, I don't think I liked this as much as the previous two "Mutts" stories I've read. Sorry.
Still, this is a good piece, but I know you can do better than this.