whispering up from the chasms of the earth,
are millions of voices
they have bloody hands and want more blood
blood of us—blood of what we refer to as human beings.
but they refer to us as the ‘worthless human beings’
because they too were human beings
whom we killed by our false-pride
why they were killed you know?
they didn't help us in what we are!
now, they have turned into zombies!
we are criminals who have done
infinite crimes. Sometimes, by our oral weapons,
sometimes by beating them.
and now, we(the powerful yet worthless human beings)
are finishing the whole world.
we have finished the past
and are on the way of finishing the future.
we are actually not what
we think ourselves to be.
our voices cry and shout
we have made them to do that.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,768 Reviews
Hi Forever,
If the story wasn't directly a kind of horror poem, I would think that you are expressing yourself here and all the victims of war and progress have been given a voice, and are now fighting back, for the life that we have now, where we try to make the best of the situation, and don't pay attention to how many millions of victims it has taken to get to this point.
Mailice here with a short review!
This is a poem that I liked a lot when I first read it. It has that direct view and also the necessary shiver that I get on my spine to become a kind of horror poem. I think you told a very interesting and exciting story with this poem and I think you can even interpret some things out of it, but I don't think you wrote it to give exactly that effect.
Some points I noticed while reading:
I like this dichotomy you create here. I somehow feel that there is a kind of alienation here and that you can read out that these other human beings are human beings and maybe we are not? And we have oppressed them and killed them and now they are coming back.
I like these lines. The thought also occurred to me that this is a kind of progress that will bring us to our own ruin.
Overall, I like the poem. The tone is a bit harsh and rough at times, but it left a good effect that leaves the reader with a bit to think about. I have a feeling that this will be one of those poems that you will enjoy reading and only experience the horror afterwards.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Hello, I love the format of this poem, every line feels like the perfect length.
There's a lot of good lines written in this poem to, and some good repetition so overall, I'd say this poem did a good job at the "horror, realistic" thing
The only real critique I have is that when you said "We have finished the past and is on the way of finishing the future." I think it's supposed to be "We have finished the past and are on the way of finishing the future."
Also, the titles a bit long, but that doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.
Anyway that's all I really have to say, nice poem.
Thank you so much for the review!!
Ahoy Forever!
andSome of the images in this stood out neatly. In particular, ones that made me wonder, or elicited a visceral response, were,
Neat twist at the end, too.
That said, it was bit hard to parse through a) some grammatical mistakes in subject/verb agreement (ex: we are finishing the past... and are (not is) finishing the future) and b) the use of general statements, or broad imagery. Poetry is strongest, like most good writing, when it is specific (which doesn't mean beat-me-over-the-head, but does mean distinct and concrete).
Do you want the reader to feel like the speaker in this poem? Or to experience the poem as someone looking in from outside?
Who are "we"? Who are "they"? Are "they" millions of people, the poor and powerless, whom those in power have thrown away like dirt? Are they zombies now?
Are "we" actually the monsters?
Could you tighten your focus, and pull the reader in as a sympathizer with "we" against those bloody voices, and then turn us on our heads with the "we are not what we think ourselves to be" maybe adding something like, "our voices bleed / and we have made them."
Many thoughts -- the best reviews and feedback don't pull apart but pick out the strengths and draw them out. I'd love to see you work on this, especially the grammar and line consistency, so that each bit is specific, intentional, clear -- and finally, horrifying. You've got a good start on horrifying us, and some good ground to dig deeper.
Toodles,
IMP
Thank u so much! I will work on those for sure!
Hey!! I have made a fee changes. Can u pls re-read and tell it it has improved by 0.001%?