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Whispering from the chasms of the Earth

by ForeverYoung299


whispering up from the chasms of the earth,

are millions of voices

they have bloody hands and want more blood

blood of us—blood of what we refer to as human beings.

but they refer to us as the ‘worthless human beings’

because they too were human beings

whom we killed by our false-pride

why they were killed you know?

they didn't help us in what we are!

now, they have turned into zombies! 

we are criminals who have done

infinite crimes. Sometimes, by our oral weapons,

sometimes by beating them.

and now, we(the powerful yet worthless human beings)

are finishing the whole world.

we have finished the past

and are on the way of finishing the future.

we are actually not what

we think ourselves to be. 

our voices cry and shout

we have made them to do that. 


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21 Reviews


Points: 68
Reviews: 21

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Thu Apr 15, 2021 2:54 am
CreativeUsername wrote a review...



Hello, I love the format of this poem, every line feels like the perfect length.

There's a lot of good lines written in this poem to, and some good repetition so overall, I'd say this poem did a good job at the "horror, realistic" thing

The only real critique I have is that when you said "We have finished the past and is on the way of finishing the future." I think it's supposed to be "We have finished the past and are on the way of finishing the future."

Also, the titles a bit long, but that doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

Anyway that's all I really have to say, nice poem.






Thank you so much for the review!!



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454 Reviews


Points: 9515
Reviews: 454

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Wed Apr 14, 2021 2:46 pm
Poor Imp wrote a review...



Ahoy Forever!

Some of the images in this stood out neatly. In particular, ones that made me wonder, or elicited a visceral response, were,

Sometimes, by our oral weapons / sometimes by beating them
and
we have finished the past / and [are?] on the way of finishing the future.


Neat twist at the end, too.

That said, it was bit hard to parse through a) some grammatical mistakes in subject/verb agreement (ex: we are finishing the past... and are (not is) finishing the future) and b) the use of general statements, or broad imagery. Poetry is strongest, like most good writing, when it is specific (which doesn't mean beat-me-over-the-head, but does mean distinct and concrete).

Do you want the reader to feel like the speaker in this poem? Or to experience the poem as someone looking in from outside?

Who are "we"? Who are "they"? Are "they" millions of people, the poor and powerless, whom those in power have thrown away like dirt? Are they zombies now?

Are "we" actually the monsters?

Could you tighten your focus, and pull the reader in as a sympathizer with "we" against those bloody voices, and then turn us on our heads with the "we are not what we think ourselves to be" maybe adding something like, "our voices bleed / and we have made them."

Many thoughts -- the best reviews and feedback don't pull apart but pick out the strengths and draw them out. I'd love to see you work on this, especially the grammar and line consistency, so that each bit is specific, intentional, clear -- and finally, horrifying. You've got a good start on horrifying us, and some good ground to dig deeper.

Toodles,

IMP






Thank u so much! I will work on those for sure!





Hey!! I have made a fee changes. Can u pls re-read and tell it it has improved by 0.001%?




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