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All petals are about to fall

by ForeverYoung299



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13 Reviews


Points: 406
Reviews: 13

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Sun Apr 11, 2021 1:32 am
Ilium417 wrote a review...



Hey, Ilium here for a quick review! :D
This is an interesting concept for a poem, one that I really like a lot! I wasn't expecting it to be about aging, and I didn't really realize it until the last stanza. It's a new perspective and I'm a sucker for those because I try to get those in my short stories too XD
I really like the first stanza because of the analogies in it.
"The life was like a breeze" especially was pretty cool. We have a lot of tiny flowers here in Arizona, and I can imagine one of those moving softly because of a small breeze. And sometimes childhood really is like that, so this imagery is awesome! You continued this into the second stanza, and it got stronger (from breeze to wind), and it captured what you felt perfectly. I would suggest continuing that wind thing into the third paragraph (maybe from wind to gust or even hurricane or back to breeze if you want to follow a different path). You did it for two stanzas and it was a bit unnatural that it didn't continue to the third.
The story definitely reflects your emotions so kudos for that! A lot of people can't do that, so their writing ends up like a stone wall, gray and emotionless.
I think you could expand this poem. The imagery could be expanded, and that way, you could expand the emotion stored in this!
Good job with the poem overall. Peace and Tacos be with you!




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113 Reviews


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Sat Apr 10, 2021 6:36 pm
chikara wrote a review...



Hello there!

I'll be using a new review method for now that focuses on simple ideas of positive and helpful need for improvement areas instead of induvial nitpicks because those seem to repeat after you've read a lot of poetry with similar general ideas floating around.

Positives

I think the idea of using a flower to show aging instead of other commonly seen nature images because people usually don't see flowers as things that have a long lifespan. It's typically always about trees or animals because people get to view them growing through seasons, when flowers instead fall apart and die in winter and late autumn.

It creates this feeling of impermanency that isn't exactly shown in a bad light. Life as a whole is a short, temporary thing, and I believe in some ways people can embrace that in a poetic way if they want to because it's a rather adaptable subject {like with all of the options for imagery; trees, flowers, and anything else with that same feel.}

Suggestions

I'm unsure about the usage of "happy" to describe petals. I understand it's probably being used as an adjective to describe that they are full of life, but from the standpoint the narrator has set, it feels more like a flower collector having a special charm they carry around. That would create another atmosphere to the poem that doesn't work in my opinion.

I feel the same way about the "my life is like a wind" line because typically, wind is made from weather occurrences. Of course, a breeze of wind exists if that is what you meant when writing this, and that is a more concrete piece of imagery because it solidifies the idea of life (a general idea) being all of these emotions and personification.

I also believe the ending is weak; yes, no one can prevent aging even if they use some heavy anti-age cream, but directly saying that as an ending kind of removes the feeling of build up created with the flowers and life being used as a metaphor like thing. I tend to avoid anything direct for that exact same reason of taking away the fun.

And that's it ~

{side note - the formatting choice of the background + the very bright purple text being in italics is kind of hard to read through. It's not a big deal though.}




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30 Reviews


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Reviews: 30

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Sat Apr 10, 2021 6:30 pm
pineapple321 wrote a review...



Hi, Pineapple here for a review!

I really enjoyed reading your poem. I liked how you took a sort of a metaphorical route with this poem. It was symbolic, too.

My take on it was that it's the life of us humans but illustrating it as the life cycle of a flower. I thought that was really interesting how you did that. So, great job!

My only big suggestion would be consistency. It seemed a bit choppy so maybe try to make it flow better. I'm not sure which kind of poem you were going for, haiku maybe? Anyways, don't feel obligated to take this suggestion.

Overall, great job!

Signed,

Pineapple





Also. Jack, why do I feel like you are responsible for spamming the site with the Bee Movie quote in the quote generator. *looks suspiciously*
— alliygator