Young Writers Society

So I was think for a little wile and I thought I would give you a review on this. The reviews only going to be a quick one though.

Dark gray clouds slowly make their way

Putting it to rest for another day.

I love this poem flames, I think its one of your best yet. keep writing you so much better then me.

I think this is one of your strongest pieces FlamingPhoenix! It's a really nice poem, with some nice turning nature imagery.

What I like most about the nature/storm imagery, is that it's not simply describing a stagnant or still scene, but has action within the scene itself - the storm is changing throughout the poem. It gets stormier, cloudier, and then finally "there is a break in the clouds, putting it to rest for another day". The imagery was all quite nice, and I like the few parts where you incorporated metaphors to further describe the image - like "waves like oceans", and the different personfications you used as well.

I have a few suggestions that I think could bring the poem up a level, but as is, this is a well polished piece that you should be quite proud of.

Consistency for the Sake of Flow
You did a great job keeping your punctuation and capitalization methods consistent in this piece, so it looks very clean on the page, and doesn't trip the reader up by getting distracted by stray capital letters. One thing that could be a little more consistent is line length. The middle 3 stanzas have quite long lines compared to the rest of the piece, it's not crucial that everything is the same length, but I do think might improve the flow a bit.

Watch Your Repetition that Isn't Instrumental
Repetition or repeating phrases/words/themes is a great tool to really push forward a theme, or create a nice sounding piece. By repeating something it makes the phrase stick out in the reader's ear, so they really remember it. The issue is, that if you use repetition that is not instrumental to creating a clearer picture/story/structure, then it can stick out in a negative way. I noticed that a few times you used very similar phrasing in the poem, for instance, this line: "The storm will last until a break in the clouds," and "That the storm keep churning until there is a break in the clouds," are almost identical and really don't say anything new.

You spend most of the poem describing the clouds, but I wonder if you could take some of the cloud imagery out to replace with less repetitive imagery about the feel/insects/temperature/sound etc. you've already got some of that, but developing the diversity and word choice of the piece a bit more I think would take the poem up a notch.

Double check the last stanza
My last suggestion is that the first line of the last stanza just doesn't quite read right to me - it's a fragment sentence, and really doesn't flow logically. "That the storm keep churning" I think should be changed to something like "the storm will keep churning"...

Another tip, is that I think incorporating a bit more rhyme and hyping up those metaphors is going to make this poem stand out even more. Poetic devices are like the chocolate chunks of poetry - they aren't vital to an ice-cream sundae, but they are the pieces that make it memorable. Hope that helps!

Well done again!

~alliyah

Hey there FlamingPhoenix! Tuck here for a review. Let's jump into it!

So right off the bat, one of the things I most enjoyed was your use of strong vocabulary that helped bring this poem to life. One of my favorite sections was here, where you described lightning as "the light like blades slicing across the sky for a split second".

Moving into some critiques, I think it would be fun for you to play with a different order. To begin, I would remove the last stanza altogether. The second to last stanza ends the poem on a happy note, brings it full-circle from the cycle of destructive, dark patterns to something hopeful, a new beginning, a fresh start. The last stanza is repetitive without its repetition serving a purpose, and is simply unnecessary.

But beyond that, it did seem somewhat disjointed and unconnected throughout. You had a stanza here about thunder, a stanza there about lightning, a stanza over there about rivers—you get my point. There didn't seem to be a logical flow or connection between them, and it made it come across as disjointed. I would review each of your stanzas and mess around with different orders, trying one, seeing how it flows and how logical it seems, and then making edits and improving from there.

And finally, I noticed a disjunct rhythm throughout the stanzas. I couldn't pick up on any noticeable patterns besides the three lines for each stanza, but the length of each varied. It could be a powerful tool if you were to experiment with creating a pattern there and seeing how that affected the flow of your poetry. Again, these are just ideas to experiment with if you're looking to improve and make this the best it can be.

Overall, this was a spectacularly done poem, and I'm glad I had the opportunity to read it! I hope my review was helpful to you and didn't come across as too harsh, since my intention was only to point out potential areas of improvement both for this poem and for your poetry in general. If you have any questions, please let me know and I'll do my best to resolve any issues as soon as is possible! Have a great day!


~Tuck

Hey Phoenix!!! Glad to see this. I didn't know that you could write such excellent poetry along with such fantastic prose! This was really a wonderful read. The description was off the charts. I was only thrown off by the lack of rhyme, but I know that there is a lot of poetry that focuses on rhythm instead. This piece totally fits the bill. Hope you are able to get your inspiration back soon and continue writing about Viper. Can't wait to read more of your work!
-Sheildmaiden

Hey Flames!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight! I'm here to give you my very special review. Because if I look at this review, from my , it'll be my first review with my fifth review star!

Alright!

So great poem here. I can definitely see the imagery here, and you describe everything really well too, which is amazing. Your wording is very well done as well. And honestly, all the metaphors, are like... Wow. They're really great. A pat on the back from me, Flames!

Like giant waves on the ocean.

Hiiii Phoenix, I'm Riothe Selcouth <3 Am just a new member of this YWS so you know what I'm going to do is to critique your beloved poetry.

Here. Actually am attracted and easily attached by those people who loves making a poetry, so when i've read your first poem, i admire you. Tonight, your new released poem touches my attention.

Your words, not just only a word, your whole poetry rather are full of metaphors.

"Dark gray clouds slowly make their way
Into the dark abyss we call the sky,
Like giant waves on the ocean." TBH, WHILE I'M READING THESE LINES THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG, IT HURTS. I DUNNO BUT THAT'S WHAT U FEEL. HAYSSS.

HEYYY, KEEP ON WRITING OKAY? SPREAD YOUR WORDS AND THOUGHTS HAVE A NICE DAY

—RIOTHE SELCOUTH 🍂