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On the Prowl

by FlamingPhoenix, Liberty


A/N Just to let everyone know, I wrote this poem with Liberty500. I hope you all enjoy.


On the Prowl

The fine dried leaves crack and crumble under my paws.

I can feel the cool wind weave its way into my coat,

As I hunt in this lonely jungle.

...

The need to hunt surged through my body,

I slowly placed my large paws onto the now muddy ground.

The smell of prey wafts its way into my nose.

...

I crouched down onto the ground,

My belly fur brushing the undergrowth.

As I stretch my long legs out in long quiet strides.

...

I was thankful to my orange and black striped fur,

Without it, I would be easily seen.

Life is hard out here in the Indian jungle.

...

Food isn't always easy to find out here, making my day harder.

And humans are moving further into my land.

Other Tigers and I must live on, no matter what!


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97 Reviews


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Tue Feb 12, 2019 5:43 am
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AmadeusW wrote a review...



This poem is very catching. The descriptions are brief but efficient. Interesting reading a poem from the perspective of the tiger.
The first three stanzas are consistent. They are in the same mood and they hold the same focus point. It is the last two stanzas, however, that are not consistent with the flow of the rest of the poem. First it just feels like a poem describing a tiger who is quite literally "on the prowl", in the sense of hunting for food. The last two abruptly start talking in an informal, conversation manner which was talking about how tigers are struggling to survive in the jungle as humans continue to overtake it. This change in style and tone of voice does not fit.
Last thing is that the tense of the poem was inconsistent. It starts out in present tense, then abruptly shifts into past tense, then back into present tense, and back and forth. This needs to be addressed to fix the flow of this poem.
Good job, both of you, and keep writing!






Thanks for the review. I can see I have a bit of work to do. :D



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Mon Feb 11, 2019 7:18 pm
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Katnes wrote a review...



Katness here with a review (:
This review is not intended to offend you or hurt you, or make your writing seem bad. That said, be warned you may be offended or wounded any way.

First impression
Okay this was smooth. Your prose, was epic. I think this works.
Narrative
First of all you (As zenith already pointed out)- you used the words weaved twice. I have nothing against the word weave or using it in the sentence but in both times I feel a better word could be used especially when you are talking about the smells of the tigers prey.
For the first sentence you use weave in try ruffle or just use the word work, or maybe describe what it felt like.
For the secant try wafted.
Also you basically say the same thing in this part.

Life is hard out here in the Indian jungle.

...

Food isn't easy to find out here.
I'd try saying the top sentence a different way or giving an example of how hard life is in the jungle.

Oh and with the first line I think that fine can be removed.
Overall
Amazing job you two!
I hope this review helps.
Katness






Thank you for your review. I'll think over everything you said.



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Mon Feb 11, 2019 5:22 pm
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Zenith says...



Hey FlamingPhoenix! Zenith here to review.
I would say that your poem is a good depiction of a tiger's perspective. It conveys to me the idea that even after being considered a mighty beast of the jungle, it has to go through it's own struggles. My favorite part is the last two lines. The acknowledgement of the fact that humans are conquering their territory, and also the fighting spirit of the animal that comes to the forefront in acceptance of the truth. This kind of also portrays the wild survival instinct, which is quite fitting to a tiger.
I observed that you have used present tense in the first and last para while past tense in the rest. If possible, maintain the same tense.

You have used the words "weave its way" in both the first and second para. Although it's a good phrase, using it more than once make it lose it's charm. Instead of writing,

The smell of prey weaved its way into my nose.

You could have used something like,

The smell of prey put a sole claim my nose.

Similarly in the last line of the second last para, and the first line of the last para, the words "out here" has been used repetitively which could have been avoided.

Life is hard out here in the Indian jungle.

...

Food isn't easy to find out here.

You could have written " Food isn't always easy to find " or something like "Food doesn't always come under my paws" to make it look better.

I would say the same for the use of adjective long with both legs and strides.
Otherwise I would say the poem is nice, and rearranging and changing a few words and phrases would make it look even better.






Thank you so much for the review.



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Mon Feb 11, 2019 4:22 pm
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alliyah says...



This was a nice reflection of how a tiger might be feeling during a hunt. I felt the last line was a bit dramatic - but well done on the imagery in this piece. Iy certainly read as 1 poem rather than 2 separate ones, so I'd say you two are pretty great at writing poetry together. Nice work!

alliyah






Thank you for the comment. :D



Liberty says...


:)




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