Chapter 1 – By the stream
The wolf prowled through the forest.
It was the size of a large horse with wild grey fur and deadly-looking fangs. It raised its head as it sniffed the air for a scent, but found no cause for alarm, so it hurried back the way it had come.
The wolf stopped just before it broke out of the forest next to a stream, where a magnificent black horse was watering nearby a girl who was practicing with a sword.
She looked young, around twenty, yet her movements showed a skill that should have been beyond her years.
Impractically, a screen of dark brown hair covered her left eye, but the girl seemed to do fine with just her right, which was oddly silver coloured.
Suddenly, the girl’s movements lost all skill and her swing went wild.
Her sword flew out of her grip and buried itself against a tree trunk. The girl grimaced in pain and clutched at her left arm. The wolf moved in just as she began to fall and her body met soft fur instead of hard ground.
She cried out as whatever she was feeling intensified, and grabbed a brown satchel from the ground. After fumbling with the clasp of the satchel, she managed to free it and rummaged inside and drew out a silver flask. The tremors in her body stopped after she took a gulp of whatever was inside and not long afterward, her face showed relief as the pain went away.
“Are you alright, Elayna?” asked a deep masculine voice that resonated from the wolf.
Elayna didn’t answer. Instead she walked over to where her sword was stuck and wrenched it out after several tugs. She examined the deep gash it had made in the wood, and placed her palm against it. New wood pushed itself out of the gash until it was no more and bark moved over the bare wood.
“I’m fine,” Elayna finally replied as she sheathed her sword. She caught her reflection in the water and adjusted a lock of her hair to hide the edges of a black mark on her forehead.
“Why are we going there again?” she asked.
“Who else can we turn to? The grey band split up years ago and this matter is too delicate to be handled by anything other then the orders. And you are most familiar with this order,” lectured the wolf.
Elayna drew out a pendant from underneath her black bandanna. It was made up of a black thread with a small purple crystal that seemed to capture the light.
“I’m not so sure they’ll be very welcoming,” she said as she gazed at the crystal. “I’ve heard the new Shadow captain is very keen on traitors.”
“You’re not a traitor and you can handle some zealous mancer.”
The wolf began staring at Elayna. It was an annoying habit it had developed that let her know there was something on his mind regarding her. She had a good idea what it was about.
“That’s not what I meant,” she explained.
“You didn’t mean what?” answered the wolf slyly. It was going to get it out of her.
“Nothing.”
“No, carry on.”
Elayna gritted her teeth. She did not enjoy conversations like this.
“I am not afraid.”
“It’s ok to be scared Elayna. Just don’t let it det-”
It stopped and a low rumbling came from its chest. Next it raised its hackles and drew back its lips.
Elayna felt it too. It could only be described as an ominous presence in the air, but she knew what it heralded. Yet there also seemed to be something else.
No time to think about that.
She whistled sharply and the black horse trotted over to her. Elayna swung into the saddle and adjusted her reins.
“We’ll scout the area first. Send a signal at first sight,” she said.
The wolf acknowledged her instructions and darted off into the forest.
Elayna paused as she looked behind her. She could have sworn she had felt something’s presence there.
I probably haven’t fully recovered yet, she thought dismissively.
She kicked the horse’s side and cantered into the forest.
As soon as Elayna was gone, one of the trees by the stream rippled.
Then there was no tree there, but a man. He was dressed all in black with three flowing black stripes on each cheek.
The stranger concentrated while he tried to search for a particular mind link.
Captain? he sent when he found the link.
What? answered back a rough voice in his head.
I think you’ll find this very interesting… 
[/i]
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,759 Reviews
Thank you for the crits, I knew something was missing! (but caffine-instilled awareness robs you of some senses sometimes)
Hey there, FantasyArtist!
Mmm, this was enjoyable to read. I like that it was told from the POV of a wolf and I like Elayna already. I have but a few suggestions:
Yay for Wolves
This is told, it seems, from the POV of the wolf and that makes it very interesting. While I don't have any problem with this initially, I think you have an opportunity here. As this is written from a wolf's POV, you have hte advantage of a unique viewpoint. You can use wolf instincts to describe everything. Wolves pick up on a lot of things, so you can use some of those things. This is up to you of course, but I think if you made this wilder, more wolf-like, it would be very neat.
Elayna Falling
I liked the idea of the entire part with Elayna suddenly dropping her sword and falling in pain, but I felt it could be more vivid, more intense. I would suggest using more body language for Elayna (such as wincing or gasping etc.) to convey what she is enduring. It would make it more intense. Speaking of intense...
You say her feeling intensified, but the reader has no idea what that looks like. This is a perfect example of what I mentioned above. Try expressing the portrait of this to the reader. Does her face to twist and turn red? Does she start crying? Giving us more detail in general would help this piece out.
DETAIL
I think that in general, this piece could use more detail and body language. It was excellent as is, but I would suggest going back and trying to visualize a lot of the things happening so your description will be more detailed and give the reader a clear image. Be specific about body language and such things as that; don't insert large detail dumps about what is happening, but a little more detail would be very nice.
In all, excellent job here. Keep writing and PM me if you have any questions. Happy writing and editing!
Alright! I just read and I must say, bravo! You held my attention, which is an accomplishment when I read something. I didn't lose interest. I definitely want to read more of this!
Okay, enough kudos. Time for some critiquing!
I know! Already?
The use of large and big so close together here is no good. I would get rid of one. Perhaps you could say something like, "It was the size of a large horse" instead. Also, just avoid using big when possible. It's a very overused word.
Since we just described the size of the wolf itself, and used the word large, I would suggest not even talking about the size of the fangs. Maybe you could say, "with wild grey fur and menacing fangs" instead. Obviously you don't have to use menacing, but something along that line would work.
Alright, let me just say I have trouble myself figuring out when commas are and aren't needed. With that said, I'm not sure, but I think you might need a comma before but.
You can't really break out into the edge of a stream. How about next to in the place of into?
ARGH! No bad spelling! Spell check is your friend!
I'm rather unsure on this one, so someone else will have to check this too, but I'm not sure belied is the right verb to use there.
Don't use it the second time it's in there. You already used it to replace clasp, and she's not rummaging inside a clasp. Besides that it's just not necessary. Also, and drew out a silver flask feels run-on-ish. I think "rummaged inside, drawing out a silver flask" sounds better. *shrugs*
Ugh! Comma drama again. I already said I'm no grammar expert, but I think it should be, whatever was inside, and, not long afterwards, her face..." instead.
Also, it's afterward not afterwards.
Seems like it should be had felt.
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Whew! I'm not sure if any of this is right (except for practicing!!!). I hoped some of it helped, and I look forward to reading more of this!
--- Joeducktape