Chapter 2 – A chance meeting
Seth woke in a warm and comfortable bed with a feeling of confusion and dull pain in his head. His vision was blurry at first but when it cleared he was looking at a white washed ceiling. There was a feeling of cleanliness about the room and the air carried the distinct smell of medicine. Seth wondered what he was doing here. All he remembered was the first exchange of blows between him and Kasper but everything went hazy from then on. So he must have lost. And taken a beating too judging by the way his body felt…
The sound of the door opening interrupted Seth’s mental meanderings. He tried to move his head to see who it was but pain shot through his neck and he cried out.
“Don’t move your neck,” scolded a woman’s voice.
A dark brown haired and silver-eyed woman came into his view. She looked intrigued as she looked at him and Seth wished she would stop because her odd coloured eyes made him uncomfortable. However, he thought he knew what her interest was founded on.
“Aren’t you Eldravaal Jovahan’s son?” she asked. Seth finally noticed the four flowing, dark blue stripes that ran across each of her cheeks and realised he was looking at an eldravaal. He wondered what a high-ranking magiac of the order was doing in a mere academy healing ward and it must have shown on his face because she said,
“I’m recovering from a mission but I can’t bear to do nothing so I’m helping out here. That way I can recover without exerting myself or going mad from boredom. Now are you Eldravaal Jovahan’s son?”
Seth nodded.
“I thought so. You look rather like him,” said the eldravaal.
Seth wondered if she had known him but realised it was impossible. She looked twenty-two. To have known his father properly she would have to be at least forty. It was nothing special that she knew his father; there weren’t many who hadn’t heard of the legendary Jovahan. Ranlais. So he was extremely surprised when she said,
“You also have the same stubbornness if what I was told is anything to go by.”
“You knew him?” asked Seth.
“Yes I did.”
“But you would have to be-!” Seth blurted out rather rudely.
“At least forty. Fifty seven to be exact,” interrupted the eldravaal. “It’s a rather complicated story, and I won’t tell you it, so don’t even ask me.”
“So are you Elayna or Feleane?” asked Seth. He knew that his father had taken three apprentices, the minimum. They had been Elayna Fenthera, Cecil Wykand, and Feleane Marinave. It slightly spooked Seth that a girl he had seen in a picture taken long ago was standing in front of him having barely aged. Seth remembered that Feleane had had blond hair making her-
“Elayna. But its Eldravaal Fenthera to you,” said Eldravaal Fenthera. “Well, I can see you have questions. What are they?”
“What was my father like as a person? Everyone makes him out as someone great and I want to follow in his footsteps but I don’t know what he was like or what he did,” said Seth.
“That is a tricky question to answer. It will take too long to answer here, even if I break it up, I have other people to attend to now but I’ll send you a notice of when I will meet you to discuss this.”
“What happened to me?”.
Seth's memory had still not returned form that point so Seth assumed he wouldn’t remember it at all.
Eldravaal Fenthera laughed. “Well, you can ask your friends when you’re discharged tomorrow. For now, drink this draught.” She handed him a cup that had been held unnoticed in her hand all along.
Seth drank it in five large gulps and handed the cup back to her. His head seemed to be getting lighter and his eyelids grew heavy. The pain in his head dissipated slowly and Seth felt inwardly thankful to Kasper for putting him here, because he had had a chance meeting with a person who could tell him what others didn’t. And with that last thought in his mind sleep took him.
Truthfully, Elayna had no other rounds. She had not wanted to disclose information to Seth regarding his father. Not now anyway, he wasn’t ready for it. She had been slightly worried when he had expressed his desire to follow his father.
Well, he better not go that far, she thought. Now she was left feeling annoyed with herself for coming here, but she had had to. She laid a hand on Seth’s forehead and closed her eyes. A glow began emanating from her palm as she poured her eldric into him, searching for something. She finally found it, but it was bound. She didn’t probe further for fear of setting it free. It had saved Seth from death, meaning it was not dormant.
He has them both, she thought. Elayna put the cup on a cabinet and hurried out of the door. She would have to discuss this new development with the other two.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Thank you for all your crits, they have been very helpful and I have edited it as advised. I hope you enjoy future stories.
Hello Fantasyartist, me again.

Seth woke up in a warm and extremely comfortable bed with a feeling of confusion and dull pain in his head.
- Suggestions: ‘Seth woke [s]up[/s] in a warm and [s]extremely[/s] comfortable bed, with a feeling of confusion and dull pain in his head.’ Deleted ’up’ and ‘extremely’, as they don’t really add anything. Also, every time I read this, the rhyming of ‘bed’/‘head’ makes it sound weird; maybe try re-organising the words?
There was a feeling of cleanliness about the room and the carried the distinct smell of cleaning agents.
- Correction: ‘There was a feeling of cleanliness about the room and the [air?] carried the distinct smell of cleaning agents.’ Also, repetition of ‘cleanliness’ and ‘cleaning’ makes it feel redundant - try changing on of them.
Seth wondered what the hell he was doing here.
- Suggestions: ‘Seth wondered what [s]the hell[/s] he was doing there.’ The ‘the hell’ doesn’t feel appropriate - partly because it seems to aggressive for someone who’s just woken up. As a matter of personal preference, I’d use ‘there’ instead of ‘here’, but I think either is acceptable.
but everything went hazy from then on. So he must have lost then.
- Suggestion: ‘but everything went hazy from then on. So he must have lost [s]then[/s].’ Deleted ‘then’, to avoid redundancy from repetition.
it must have showed on his face because she said,
- Correction: ‘it must have [s]showed[/s] shown on his face because she said,’
“That is a tricky question to answer. It will take too long to answer here, even if I break it up,” said Eldravaal Fenthera. “I have other people to attend to now but I’ll send you a notice of when I will meet you to discuss this.”
“What happened to me?” asked Seth. His memory had still not returned form that point so Seth assumed he wouldn’t remember it at all.
- Suggestion: ‘“That is a tricky question to answer. It will take too long to answer here, even if I break it up,” [s]said Eldravaal Fenthera.[/s] “I have other people to attend to now but I’ll send you a notice of when I will meet you to discuss this.”
“What happened to me?” [s]asked Seth.[/s] [s]His[/s] Seth’s memory had still not returned form that point so Seth assumed he wouldn’t remember it at all.’ You don’t need a speech tag after ever single line of speech. Indeed, doing this breaks up the flow of the conversation. As a rule of thumb, once you’ve established which speaker is which, you don’t need to include any more speech tags, unless the character suddenly does something different (eg. He suddenly shouts something).
Hey Fantasyartist!
I think there's a typo in this sentence. It's great that you're using all senses to describe the room.
This would flow better if you ended it after 'out'.
There should be a paragraph after nodded, and eldravaal.
Very cool! I like how you do that.
I really liked all of this. The point of view switch was unexpected, and really nicely done. It's cool how when you're writing from Seth's perspective you say Eldravaal Fenthera did suchandsuch, and when you're writing from her perspective you say Eleyna.
About Eleyna, I like her already.
You made what could have been a really passive scene (bedside discussion, etc,) really exciting. Thanks for keeping it active!
The dialogue is good, but I think it's missing some commas. Maybe you could try reading it aloud, and see where would be a good place to add some?
Thanks for posting, I'll definitely look for the rest.
-Jenna