Prologue - Dark Tidings
Lightning tore across the star studded sky and the rain battered Kyvor relentlessly as he struggled against the howling wind. His progress up the winding path was slow but sure; the lighthouse was in sight. It stood like a sentinel over the waves which crashed into the foot of the cliff, defiant against the forces of nature. If only Kyvor could say the same for himself. He hoped that the weather would not foreshadow the mood of the meeting.
Or maybe it was the Lord’s doing. It would certainly be in his fashion to do so. He was always attracted to shows of power. If this storm had been brewed up to impress the messenger of the Shadows, it was certainly doing a good job.
Several minutes later, and with much effort, Kyvor finally reached the foot of the lighthouse. He tried the door but it was locked. He’d been told it would be, but there was no harm in trying. With frozen fingers, he fumbled in the pocket of his leather coat for his wand. He held the fancy stick with a certain disdain, but his fingers were far too numb to draw runes. With a shaking hand, he traced the tip of the wand through the air to draw runes over the door and closed his eyes.
The familiar feeling of travelling at a fast speed told him the spell had succeeded. All sounds of the raging storm vanished, to be replaced by utter stillness. He kept his eyes firmly closed as he felt strangely light. A few seconds later, he felt a rush of warmth and his feet once more touched the ground.
“You know, Adonis, that I am dying.”
Kyvor opened his eyes.
He was in a hall crafted out of black stone and polished to a superb shine. There were no windows; the only sources of light were the flaming torches that were suspended in brackets. In front of him stood a large double door, one half of which was slightly ajar. It was from there that the voice had come.
“It appears that someone has arrived.”
Knowing that his presence had been detected, Kyvor fully opened the door and strode through with as much confidence as he could muster. In the large room were two men. One was reaching middle age with long dark hair, while the other was young and sat on a throne of gold. There was a strange pallor to his skin which had not been the last time Kyvor had seen him. Just like the Shadows.
“Oh, it’s you Kyvor,” said the Lord, sitting slackly in his throne. The last time Kyvor had seen him, he had stood arrogantly. His illness was taking its toll. “I suppose the Shadows felt it too?”
Kyvor nodded. “She hopes that you might be able to elaborate.”
“The Shadows wants me to elaborate?” replied the Lord, the mocking tone of his voice barely concealed. “I thought she would have known instantly what it meant.”
“She would have, but circumstances prevented her from knowing otherwise,” explained Kyvor briefly. It ran deeper than that, but he wasn’t going to tell the Lord.
“A mistake has been made. The three of one exist. That is what has happened,” said the Lord.
“You mean -” began Kyvor.
“Yes,” interrupted Adonis. “The Enclave and the Circle have made an error. We were decieved. Everything starts now. 'The one will become three. The Memories, the Power, and the Darkness that never was or will be'."
Kyvor looked at Adonis in silence. He carried an aura of command around him that demanded obedience, yet Kyvor was also aware of the honour the man carried. However, it was clear why the Lord had chosen him as the first disciple. In the face of his power, such flaws accounted to nothing.
“What will you do?” asked Kyvor. Adonis didn’t reply.
“We shall do what we shall do,” replied the Lord menacingly. “And neither the Shadows nor the Reaper shall interfere in our affairs.”
“But if we ever needed to co-operate, then now is the time. Your lives hang in the balance!”
Kyvor’s words echoed in the silence that followed his outburst. He instantly regretted his words.
“How fares you daughter, Adonis?” asked the Lord.
“I haven’t been able to see her for some time,” replied Adonis regretfully. “You’ve visited her Kyvor, how is Eliel?”
Kyvor gave a start inside. How did he know? However, the memories of the black haired girl riled Kyvor for reasons unknown.
“Wondering why her father has abandoned her,” he said in an accusing tone.
“Watch your tongue, Kyvor. One incident of insolence I can bear, but you’re pushing your luck,” replied Adonis angrily. “I haven’t ‘abandoned’ Eliel. She doesn’t know that all I do is for her.”
“Fatherhood has made you weak, Adonis,” commented the Lord dryly. “But then, she does show signs of great power. Maybe I should bring her into my service…”
Kyvor noticed Adonis tense.
And this is exactly why we never have families, or get attached to anyone. Because our own masters can use them against us, he thought.
“I’ll be departing then. The Shadows calls me,” Kyvor announced.
As he left through the door and ported out with another flourish of his wand, he was glad to leave the halls of black marble and the people inside them behind him.
******************
A little backtracking since my last post. Chapter 1 can be found here:
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,022 Literary Works • 672,759 Reviews
Hey, Fan! Soo sorry I took so long. But here's my promised crit!
The unfortunate thing is, for a first sentence, it didn't capture attention and lacked the testimony for the story to be interesting. "Star studded sky" sounds common to me. It's alright, actually, but I'm just having this feeling that it could be modified.
Oh, I just thought about this: it's raining, right? Why are there stars then? Stars resemble a clear peaceful night sky.
And, I don't know about you, but I'd break it up to two sentences. Something like, "Lightning tore across the shadowy sky, disheartening the souls of everything it enshrouded. The rain battered Kyvor relentlessly as he struggled against the howling wind."
Erm, just a suggestion. I sound like I'm rambling heehee.
Just a suggestion.
Starting a paragraph with a conjunction is not nice at all. Use "perhaps" or something similar.
The 2nd sentence expects a further elaboration later on but here you put that "elaboration" in the previous sentence. So, the sentences looked like they've switched places or something. A simple modification I suggest would be, "Though he had been told it would be, he had felt no harm in trying."
I could be wrong here, but since you've used "but" here, shouldn't one half of the sentence be positive and another negative? This looks negative and negative; disdain and numb.
"travelling at a fast speed"? Could you change that to make it sound better?
First sentence doesn't have a nice sound to it. Especially the words after "which" (but it could be just me). Just like the Shadows? The Shadows have a pallor to their skin, too? This sentence raises questions about how the Shadows looks like that the reader may wish to know immediately but don't get answered. At least, I think so...
"He carried an aura..." I was blank about who "he" was until you mentioned Kyvor. Your usage of "yet" is awkward...seemingly inappropriate?
It doesn't sound like Kyvor is raising his voice at all...perhaps a little at the end but really, the expression that he is shouting is not there. So when I read the following paragraph it seemed redundant.
Can I suggest a different punctuation? "You've visited her, Kyvor; how is Eliel?" or use a period instead.
I'd just prefer it without "and".
You never mentioned more than one hall that had the same characteristics of black marble. You had two rooms, yes, but mentioning two halls here made me think twice.
Hope my crit helps. I know, I know, I could be fickle sometimes so sorry if there's anything wrong, k?
Fye.
I really like this, it has huge potential. You are a very good writer clearly, and not many grammar issues stand out to me. I think you are very telented and I like you characters. The descrption is great, and not ott by any stretch of the imagination.
Hey there Fantasyartist,
I think you can be a bit more creative with the dialogue here.
You might want to check the second half of this sentence to see if it makes sense.
I think this needs further elaboration. I dunno, it feels rather randomly placed.
Overall impressions:
I quite like this, mostly for your mature writing style. You've improved since I've last read your work. You have good descriptions, which you've not only set the mood, but help to define more about the characters. In some places, I think you could had shown more but that's just my opinion.
I also think your characters needs a bit more emotion to them. I'm quite interested as to what they were feeling at the moment. Prehaps you can elaborate on that.
Your dialogue is also quite good and makes the characters feel more real.
I think the only thing that I can complain on is that you are walking on thin ice. This almost felt like a fantasy cliche to me with the shadows, an overlord, lighthouse by the edge of the ocean. I think maybe you can be a bit more original with how this chapter is set out. But since this is only the prologue and you've defined your characters and had good descriptions, I don't see it as being a cliche.
That's all I really have to say fantasyartist. Hope my critique helped.
Hey, thanks for the crits. Yes, Adonis follows the Lord and Kyvor the Shadows.
I'll look at petersburg after my b-day.
And your crit wasn't bas at all rubric. 'Twas pretty helpful.
~Fan~
1.In front of him stood a large door, one half of which was slightly ajar.
For some reason, this doesn't flow well in my mind...I don't think the one half bit is very fluid...try rewording it. XD
2. Your lives hand in the balance!”
Hand should be hang.
This is well written. I can't wait to read more! PM me when you write more on it. Jamie Bondage.
“It would certainly be in his behaviour to do so”
Perhaps replace with “certainly be in his fashion”, or “certainly match his previous behaviour”, as “in his behaviour” makes little sense.
“certainly doing a good job.”
Although there is nothing really wrong with this, it seems to break the atmosphere, you could perhaps replace it with “certainly achieving that (…aim).”
“to be replaced with utter stillness.”
To my mind, “replaced by” flows better.
“pallor to his skin which had not been the last time Kyvor had seen him”
“not been there” seems more appropriate
“sitting slackly in his throne”
Again, there is nothing wrong with this. It is, however, ambiguous, as it could mean that the Lord relaxes in his throne after recognising his guest, or that his sitting-position is compromised by his ill-health. It is a good description either way, merely requiring clarification.
“the mocking tones of his voice”
Only a truly gifted person could differentiate the different tones of mockery. While Kyvor may well be one of these, it seems more likely that you want to drop that pluralisation.
“We were hoodwinked”
Hoodwinked is a great word, but it lacks the deep, macabre atmosphere that you seem to be trying to evoke, and may not match Adonis’s character.
“Your lives hand in the balance”
perhaps “hang”?
Now, overall I have to say that the piece is great, and the characters seem quite tangible. I haven’t read chapter one yet, but I’m assuming Adonis serves Lord and Kyvor serves Shadows….why are they acting so familiarly, with knowledge of each others children etc? I assume this is just something I don’t grasp though.
Finally, I’m rather inexperienced at this reviewing thing….so you if you’ve got any disagreements with me, let me know so I can improve myself.