Young Writers Society

I know this chapter is pretty shaky and I'm working on re-writes having discovered 'the snowflake technique' and other useful planning techniques.

Eleanor is a very modern name actually, but it's being lost in the shortened 'Ellie' we see nowadays.

Fantasyartist wrote:Chapter 1 – Summer’s end

Seth sat at the breakfast bar, absently eating a bowl of cereal while lamenting the end of the summer holidays. He had grudgingly woken up an hour ago to remember that it was the first day of the new school year. Memories flashed through his mind of fun times with friends and he cracked a smile as he remembered particularly funny episodes.

Lamenting? Isn't that singing? Maybe contemplating would be better?

There was a board on the fridge which Seth’s family used for announcements and details. It stated that his older sister Shauna had gone to college early while his mother was at the hospital where she worked as a doctor. He had just finished sticking on where he would be when Sarah, his little sister, thundered downstairs.

A board on the fridge? Is it like a whiteboard thats magnetic or is it a wooden board? If its the latter, how would they get it on?

Sarah Harrington was eleven years old with blond hair and blue eyes and was one of the most annoying things on God’s great Earth. Of course, whenever an adult entered her presence she could play the sweet angel. Sometimes Seth and Sarah managed to bond but mostly they were at each other’s throats.

Hmm, the typical older brother-little sister war. Its cliche but I can't find a solution to it. Maybe you'd like to think on it.

“Hurry up. You have fifteen minutes to eat something,” said Seth as he checked his watch. It read eight ‘o clock. She would be starting her first year in St. George’s today and Seth’s mother had told him to walk her there.

Fifteen minutes to eat something? I eat a bowl of cereal in approximately five minutes. Or do they have to have a big breakfast? If not, a bit more realism needed.

"How did you get a scholarship?" asked Sarah as she poured cereal into a bowl.

"Brains, something you might like to get," replied Seth, tapping her head with a finger.

"I am smart. Otherwise I couldn't have passed the entrance exam."

"Whatever you say."

"Ok, we're moving pipsqueak," said Seth fifteen minutes later. He checked his books and slipped on his shoes to give Sarah time to get ready, then he quickly checked his light brown hair in the mirror before exiting through the door.

Ok, the last bit of speech confused me, becuase it goes Sarah, Seth, Sarah, Seth, Seth. It would be easier to understand if you put "Fifteen minutes later, Seth stated".

They cut across the front lawn, taking care not to tread on the flowers and went right as they passed beyond the wall that enclosed the house. They spent the first ten minutes dodging traffic and didn't talk until they reached the uphill road that led to St. George's. It was then that Seth saw the most peculiar sight.

Maybe you could explain the environment they're in? I don't know whether its a village, town or city. A little more info here would be appreciated.

It was a man dressed in a black leather coat with a hood that he had pulled up. But it wasn’t this that made him stick out as he leaned againt the outer wall of a large house; it was the fact that he held what looked like a sheathed sword in his left hand. At first, Seth had thought that he might be some medieval re-enactor, but dismissed the thought. The jeans poking out from under the coat were definitely not medieval, and there wasn’t any sort of fair for miles around.

This isn't really that odd. He could be just carrying it back to his house or something.

“Can you see that man?” Seth asked Sarah, pointing in the man’s direction.

"Pointing at him" would sound better than repeated "man" in the same sentence twice.

“What man?” asked Sarah as her eyes followed Seth’s arm.

So, it's a very peculiar sight and this guy sticks out like a saw thumb, but his sister hasn't seen him?

“The one holding the sword.”

“Seth are you alright?” said Sarah.

Ah, now we see. However, the whole "this boy is special becuase only he can see this person/thing" is a bit cliche.

Seth couldn’t believe it. She genuinely couldn't see the man. As he got closer, he realised that no one else seemed to notice him either. They just went past him as if he didn’t exist. Then the man turned his head and Seth was sure he was looking straight at him. Seth's breath suddenly stopped and he found himself unable to breathe. He tried to clutch his throat but his body wouldn't obey him. He was still walking as if nothing was happenning. His world began to get dimmer as lack of oxygen took its effect. Seth somehow knew it was the man doing this; but he couldn't tear his gaze away. Death seemed a very likely prospect and Seth's mind began to panic.

If he was running out of oxygen, he would have been unable to walk. Or is this man controlling him?

“Excuse me?”

Someone tapped him on the shoulder and breath rushed back into his lungs and Seth felt control of his body return to him. He quickly turned around to face whoever had tapped him so he could avoid the strange man’s stare and almost stopped breathing again.

So, now he has control over his body? Weird.

The girl who faced him now was pretty. No, beautiful would have described her better. Her brown hair was styled in a way that covered her left eye but she caught Seth’s attention with her right, which was oddly silver. She looked around his age though it seemed to him that her eyes held amazing intelligence. He noticed that she wore the girl’s uniform of St. George’s. However, he had never seen her before, and someone like her wouldn’t be very unnoticeable. She gave him a confused look as he began to ake huge breaths of air.

“Do you know where St. Georges is?” she said.

“Yes, I go there. Are you new?” asked Seth.

Splitting his speech up would be better.

The girl nodded.

“Then we’ll take you there. I’m Seth and this is Sarah,” said Seth.

“Eleanor,” replied the girl.

“Saw you ogling at her you pervert. And what was with the hyperventilating?” muttered Sarah a moment later. She said it under her breath so that only Seth heard.

Seth might have replied on a normal day, but this day was already anything but normal. The strange man had disappeared, and Seth would have liked to dismiss him as an illusion, but the feeling of his breath stopping had been all too real. Eleanor seemed to look around a lot, but Seth dismissed it as taking in the sights of a new town. However, she did seem to take great interest in the exact spot where the man had stood a moment ago.

Eleanor. Sounds a bit too... unmodern, for lack of a better term. If she's some kind of person who can see the guy and knows why and stuff, I think she'd want a normal name, really.

Changes...done!

Thank you all for the crits! *hugs for everyone!*

I must admit that this story was painfully dragged out of me so I wouldn't be having a "writer's block" (really, I know it's an excuse for me to be lazy). I knew that some of it was shabby but I needed someone who currently had sharper minds than mine for some help.

You advice has helped me a lot for future chapters and I will insert the corrections as soon as possible.

PO-TA-TOES! lol.

Hem hem...*clears throat and folds hands in business-like manner.*

First of all, I liked your story. It doesn't have too much of a plot in this chapter, but the hints of plots to come are obvious, so that's okay. However, I did think you ended the chapter too soon. You should have developed the concept of Eleanor a little bit more before cutting out. Since the chapter is pretty short as it is, it shouldn't be too difficult to add on. Maybe take the first part of the next chapter and stick it on here, or something. I just think it was too abrupt.

Seth sat at the breakfast bar, absently eating a bowl of cereal while lamenting the end of the summer holidays. He had grudgingly woken up an hour ago to remember that it was the first day of the new school year. After he had woken up his little sister with much banging of her bedroom door, he had fallen into that almost ritualistic routine that everyone goes through before going to school. He had visited the bathroom to wash and brush his teeth before getting into the white shirt, black trousers and blue blazer of Saint George’s Secondary school with much distaste.

Currently, his older sister Shauna had gone to college early while his mother was at the hospital where she worked as a doctor.

“Hurry up. You have fifteen minutes to eat something,” said Seth as he checked his watch. It read eight ‘o clock. She would be starting her first year in St. George’s today and Seth’s mother had told him to walk her there.

Fifteen minutes later, they were out of the house and walking down the road. They silently made their way up the hill where the school was located. After a while though, Seth noticed something peculiar.

But it wasn’t this that made him stick out from the average wall leaner

She couldn’t genuinely see the man.

Seth took a few seconds to realise he wasn’t breathing.

She looked around his age though it seemed to him that her eyes held… great wisdom for lack of a better word.

it seemed to Seth that Eleanor played too much attention to it to be someone who was merely taking in the sights of a new town.

"Not far ahead of them, a man was leaning against the wall." What wall? The wall of the school I'm assuming but I'm not sure.

"As he got closer, he realised...." realized should have a Z

"Do you know where St. Georges is?" George's should have an apostrophe before the s.

I wish you would have described Seth as much as you did his sister but, other than that, I liked this story and the jean wearing sword wielder concept is different. I hope to see how this all carries out.

this is a very good start to an Urban Fantacey. The strange man with the sword was a very intresting point, and then Elenor appears out of nowhere. --I could not find anything wrong grammer wise, so that is very good -- I look fwward to seeing the next installment