Chapter 1 – A late start
Seth Ranlais awoke to the clangor of the great bell with a start and fell off his bed with a thud. As the low notes of the brass tongue hitting the side of the bell reached his ears, he felt that there was something wrong. He subconsciously counted the rings in his head and when the final note sounded it hit Seth like a storm.
“I’m late for the exam!” he shouted. Seth rose to his feet and quickly rushed over to his trunk, avoiding lots of clutter as he did so. He would have to clean his small room soon. The walls of the room were stone and had been quickly painted white in the rush to get this building finished, and the rough result showed. Every senior novice in the academy was accommodated in one of these small rooms. Seth hurriedly rummaged through his chest in his search for fresh clothes. He managed to get a clean black shirt and pair of trousers and dark blue tunic with yellow fringes that were the uniform of a senior novice. It was as if the clothes sensed his haste and decided to foil him whenever possible because it seemed to take him much longer and more effort to put them on. After his battle with his clothes, he put his boots on and fastened them, then moved over to a basin and gave his face a quick clean to get the grit out from his eyes. Seth estimated that he had taken ten minutes and grabbed his sheathed training sword from where it was propped up against the wall, and then ran out of his door slamming it shut behind him.
Seth was now in a white corridor with doors like his own at regular intervals at each side. There were twelve in all and Seth hurtled past every single one, and then opened the door at the end. Now he was in a small landing, the walls painted white like the rest of the building. He pounded down the spiraling staircase and jumped the last few steps into the lobby.
“You’re late, novice,” said the journeyman on watch duty as Seth went streaming past his plain desk. Seth bit back an angry retort as he smashed open the entrance door. He was already tired, having had nothing to eat and he dreaded what was to come next. He raced down the path and took a left turn. Soon he had left behind the academy buildings and was in sight of the training grounds, where people sharpened their weapon skills and casting proficiency. The trees were more plentiful here and the grass and plants looked wilder, not having been cut like the grass and plants near the academy buildings. There was even some wildlife here, being near to the woods. As Seth reached the training grounds his worst fears came to be realized. The combat skills exam had already begun.
There were already people locked in fake combats with their most proficient weapon. They swirled as if dancing and periodically a ring sounded as weapons clashed. Seth approached with a fluttering stomach, wondering whether he would be automatically failed. However, he would be better of failing without a chance than fighting on an empty stomach, failing, and having bruises to boot. The edges of training weapons were blunt, but they still hurt.
“You’re late Seth!” boomed Master Denc, the combat skills teacher. He was a merry dark haired giant with huge muscles that looked as if they could crush skulls like rotten fruit. The three flowing, dark blue stripes across each of his cheeks broadcasted his rank to those who knew of magiacs and their ways. There were some novices who had finished near him, the victors were the ones still standing up strait, the losers were the ones on the floor or wincing in pain.
“Sorry sir, I overslept,” muttered Seth.
“Have you eaten Seth?” asked Master Denc.
“No,” Seth replied. He felt something ominous coming.
“Well, you can fight Kasper here, who has luckily already finished, so you can start strait away! I’ll be watching you closely.” Seth’s gaze followed Master Denc’s considerable hand to a brown haired and red eyed boy. He was handsome with high cheekbones, and he gave a look to Seth that told him to expect no mercy. A long spear was propped against a fence next to him. Seth said the rudest word he could think of in his mind.
Master Denc had known perfectly what he had been doing. Not that he would have stood a chance of he had eaten but on an empty stomach he would be annihilated. It was a punishment, not a lesson seeing as this was the last time he would ever teach these novices. In his mind, Seth wished the man a gruesome death. Kasper Veane was lonesome, arrogant and cold, but he was a hell of a good fighter. Seth’s track record against him was filled with humiliating losses, once he’d had to go to the healing ward with a broken arm. He had also overheard some magiacs saying that he had some sort of ability. Whatever it was, it just made it easier for him to hurt people.
“What’s wrong Seth? You’re not scared are you?” said Kasper snidely. Seth knew that he should refuse to fight and fail but his pride didn’t allow him to do so.
“I’ll take you on,” he replied back more confidently than he felt.
“Let’s go then,” said Kasper, and opened a gate to a small fenced ring. As Seth approached Kasper pushed him in and said,
“Ladies first.” Seth faced him angrily but Kasper just coolly said,
“What?” All of Seth’s aggression faded against Kasper’s calm demeanour. He walked to one side of the ring and Kasper to the other.
“Salute,” said Master Denc, and Seth and Kasper did so, but only because they had to.
“Ready.” They readied their swords and body.
“Begin.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,759 Reviews
I told you I would get to this eventually.
This was quite good. Your characters are very realistic and you are developing them well. I anticipate watching your ideas develop throughout the story.
Well, I felt Sureal caught most of the nitpick things I noticed, but I just have a few more things...
Two with's here. Sounds repetitive.
I felt you could describe the walls more vividly here. The rough results part was good, but I felt quickly painted could be described better. What specifically about it makes it look like it's quickly painted?
Is Kasper saying this? If so, the dialogue tag for Kasper should come first and then Seth's reaction.
Long-winded Sentences
There were a few spots in this story where you had some very large sentences with many and's and other such conjunctions. When you reread this, read your sentences aloud and if it seems to ramble or has more than one 'and', it is probably too long. Split some up and it will be much easier to read.
Besides all that, there were a few spelling errors, but I'm not going to go through all of them. A simple spell check should fix such things.
Good beginnng here! I can't wait to read more. Nicely done; keep writing and PM me if you have any questions or need anything. Toodles!
Seth Ranlais awoke to the clangour of the great bell with a start and fell off his bed with a thud.
The ‘over’ is also not needed either, and I would personally remove it.
- Suggestion: ‘Seth Ranlais woke with a start to the clangour of the great bell, [s]with a start[/s] and fell from his bed with a thud.’ With long sentences such as this one, it’s always worth playing around with it to see which word order runs smoothest.
he felt that there was something wrong.
- Try deleting ‘that’. It isn’t needed, and the sentence reads better without it.
He subconsciously counted the rings in his head and when the final note sounded it hit Seth like a storm.
- Suggestions: ‘He subconsciously counted the rings, [s]in his head[/s] and when the final note sounded it hit Seth like a storm.’ The ‘in his head’ isn’t needed, as we already know he’s counting ‘subconsciously’. The comma after ‘rings’ tells the reader to pause, making the sentence easier to read.
- Just a note here: double space (as in, put a blank space) between all your paragraphs. You’ve already done this with some, but not all. There is no blank space between the first and second paragraph, but there is between the second and third. Always double space all your paragraphs when posting a story on the web - it makes it easier to read.
“I’m late for the exam!” he shouted. Seth rose to his feet and quickly rushed over to his trunk, avoiding lots of clutter as he did so.
- Suggestions: ‘“I’m late for the exam!” he shouted. [s]Seth[/s] He rose to his feet and [s]quickly[/s] rushed [s]over[/s] to his trunk, avoiding lots of clutter as he did so.’ Using Seth’s name in the second sentence feels like your introducing a second character when you’re not. Although, using ‘he’ - as I’ve suggested - feels repetitive. Perhaps try rearranging the second sentence (eg. ‘Rising to his feet, he rushed to his trunk’), or deleting ‘he shouted’. Adverbs such as ‘quickly’ weaken your writing, and should only be using sparingly. Indeed, ‘quickly’ is not needed here - how else would you rush?
The walls of the room were stone and had been quickly painted white, and the rough result showed.
- Suggestion: ‘The walls [s]of the room[/s] were stone and had been quickly painted white, and the rough result showed.’ We already know Seth’s in his room.
It was as if the clothes sensed his haste and decided to foil him whenever possible because it seemed to take him much longer and more effort to put them on.
- I like this. ^_^
After his battle with his clothes, he put his boots on and fastened them, then moved over to a basin and gave his face a quick clean to get the grit out from his eyes.
- Suggestions: ‘[s]After his battle with his clothes,[/s] He put his boots on and fastened them, then moved over to [s]a[/s] the basin and gave his face a quick clean to get the grit out from his eyes.’ The ‘after his battle’ bit isn’t needed, as the reader can assume this is happening after that. Also, I changed ‘a’ to ‘the’, as I’m assuming there’s only one basin in the room.
Seth estimated that he had taken ten minutes and grabbed his sheathed training sword from where it was propped up against the wall, and then ran out of his door slamming it shut behind him.
- Suggestions: ‘Seth estimated [s]that[/s] he had taken ten minutes and grabbed his sheathed training sword from where it was propped up against the wall, and [s]then[/s] ran out of [s]his[/s] the door, slamming it shut behind him.’ Deleted unnecessary words ‘that’ and ‘then’ (doing this also helped make it more active). Changed ‘his’ door to ‘the’ door, as this reads better to me. Added comma after ‘door’ to help the sentence flow better.
Seth was now in a white corridor with doors like his own at regular intervals at each side. There were twelve in all
- I don’t think this really adds anything to the story. Consider cutting?
“You’re late, novice,” said the journeyman on watch duty as Seth went streaming past his plain desk. Seth bit back an angry retort as he smashed open the entrance door.
- Suggestions: ‘“You’re late, novice,” said the journeyman on watch duty [s]as Seth went streaming past his plain desk[/s]. Seth bit back an angry retort as he smashed open the entrance door.’ The bit I cut out doesn’t flow well, and I couldn’t think of a good way to rewrite it, so I simply removed it. You could always try toying with this to come up with a better way of saying it.
He was already tired, having had nothing to eat and he dreaded what was to come next.
- Suggestion: ‘He was already tired, having had nothing to eat, and he dreaded what was to come next.’ Added in a comma, as the last part isn’t directly related to having had nothing to eat.
The trees were more plentiful here and the grass and plants looked wilder
- Suggestion: ‘The trees were [s]more[/s] plentiful here and the grass and plants looked wilder,’ The ‘more’ isn’t needed, and the sentence flows better without it.
There was even some wildlife here, being near to the woods.
- Suggestion: ‘There was even some wildlife [s]here[/s], being near to the woods.’ The ‘here’ isn’t needed.
There were already people locked in fake combats with their most proficient weapon.
- Suggestion: ‘There were [s]already[/s] people locked in fake combat[s]s[/s] with their most proficient weapon.’ I’m not sure that the ‘already’ is needed, although it’s certainly possible to argue that it is. Also changed ‘combats’ to ‘combat’, because ‘combats’ sounds weird to me.
“Sorry sir, I overslept,” muttered Seth embarrassedly.
- Suggestion: ‘“Sorry sir, I overslept,” muttered Seth [s]embarrassedly[/s].’ Embarrassedly is a very clumsy adverb. This is better off without it.
Not that he would have stood a chance of he had eaten but on an empty stomach he would be annihilated.
- Suggestions: ‘Not that he would have stood a chance if he had eaten, but on an empty stomach he would be annihilated.’ Typo led to ‘if’ being written ‘of’. Comma after eaten to help the sentence flow better.
It was a punishment, not a lesson seeing as this was the last time he would ever teach these novices.
Suggestion: ‘It was a punishment, not a lesson, seeing as this was the last time he would ever teach these novices.’
Kasper Veane was lonesome, arrogant and cold, but he was a hell of a good fighter.
- This should be the start of a new paragraph.
“I’ll take you on,” he replied back more confidently than he felt.
- Suggestions: ‘“I’ll take you on,” he replied, [s]back[/s] more confidently than he felt.’
“Let’s go then,” said Kasper, and opened a gate to a small fenced ring. As Seth approached Kasper pushed him in and said,
“Ladies first.” Seth faced him angrily but Kasper just coolly said,
“What?” All of Seth’s aggression faded against Kasper’s calm demeanour. He walked to one side of the ring and Kasper to the other.
- Should all be a single paragraph.
Anyways, I liked the setting. Kind of reminds me of Final Fantasy Eight. ^_^
Good work with this. Just watch out for unnecessary words that can break up the flow of your writing, and for awkward sentence structure, and you’ll be fine. Good luck with work on future chapters.
Very nice, the ending was my favorite and I was interested the whole time! Now to critique:
1. This would look and maybe even flow much better if your format was different.
ie: Now he was in a small landing, the walls painted white like the rest of the building. He pounded down the spiralling staircase and jumped the last few steps into the lobby.
“You’re late, novice,” said the journeyman on watch duty as Seth went...
*This would look much better, as would the rest, if you divided where the paragraph ended and the dialouge began. Because here:
“Sorry sir, I overslept,” muttered Seth embarrassedly.
“Have you eaten Seth?” asked Master Denc. Seth felt something ominous coming.
“No,” he replied.
*I'm confused as to whose talking, just part them, it looks a LOT better.
2.Everything seems to be going really fast, how many classes has he gone too in one paragraph? (Sorry, I'm being picky I think)
*I'm pretty sure all these things are pretty easy to understand, I'm just lost in this format.
Excellent beginning to a story. Very interesting. And I believe this is Medieval High Fantasy? Medieval background, takes place in a different world with magic and such, and of course involves fantasy. I love medieval high fantasy, that's almost all I can write!
Keep up the good work!
~Rieda
strait - straight
one of my favourite names.
And Seth
Ok, this is good, but the first part sounds a bit like "and he did this, then this then that" kind of thing, i dunno, i think you could adapt this some more. Other than that i enjoyed reading this, and i hope he beats Kasper!
Post more please?
Miyaviloves