Summer's Song

Fantasyartist--


This reads like a first-time poetry exercise with its uneven rhythm and lack of basic care in presentation (spacing, punctuation, grammar) for an audience.

As a poem, it's a placeholder. The reader is confused by the title and led on a trail of description that provides little insight into the scene before finding a cliche ending.

I'm all for people learning to write poems. The form has a wonderful grace and economy when well executed. This clumsy piece, however, would probably have gained a great deal from a more substantial injection of time and energy prior to posting.

Toss it at the nearest trash can and try again.


All the best,
Brad

I've finally gotten around to making the changes you suggested. I can't believe I missed the punctuation x_x. A salute to all you helpful people!

That was realy good.It looks like everyone already pointed out the mistakes that you made so all I really have to tell you is keep up the good work. PM me someime!

It's beautiful in description and I love the whole point of it but I would change a few things:

Summer danced
As the sun beamed down
On the grassy plain
Along the stream she went
With no care in the world

Summer wept
And [s]the[/s] rain came down
[s]In showers it fell[/s] It fell in showers
[s]And cooled the blistering heat[/s] Cooling the blistering heat
On a sunny day

Summer sang
And the wind did too
It came from her lips
Sweet, whistling sounds it made
Like music too [s]one’s ears [/s] all

Summer gave
To her brother Autumn
The chance to control
To make leaf and wind blow
And make his presence known

I think that your poem might flow better if punctuation was changed-
e.g.-Summer danced;
the sun beamed down
On the grassy plain.
Along the stream she went
With no care in the world

The poem itself is really good. I love the imagery .

Very nice!

I can imagine this as a song of some sorts. Echo to Elfie up there, and some other stuff:

Summer sang
And the wind did too
It came from her lips
Sweet, whistling sounds it made
Like music too one’s ears

Summer danced
As the sun beamed down
On the grassy plain.
Along the stream she went,
With no care in the world.

Fan!
You're back! Oh wow, it's been so long since I've talked to you! And guess what? I learned how to do a real review! With quotes 'n all that! *gushes on for hours*

Fantasyartist wrote:Summer wept
And the rain came down
In showers it fell
And cooled the blistering heat
On a sunny day

Fantasyartist wrote:Summer gave
To her brother Autumn
The chance to control
To make leaf and wind blow
And make his presence known