Prologue – A dark beginning
Lightning flashed across the night sky and rain poured down endlessly from the heavens as Kyvor slowly made his way up the winding path. His destination was not so far now; it was an abandoned lighthouse that stood like a sentinel over the crashing waves of the ocean.
“Why did he choose a place like this?” Kyvor muttered to himself as a fierce gust of wind made him stumble sideways. Of course, it had to be a place like this. The Lord had always been attracted to power. This storm was probably of his design, brewed up to impress the messenger of the Shadows. Well, it was doing a good job.
After much effort, Kyvor finally managed to reach the lighthouse. He fumbled with a pocket on his leather coat with frozen fingers and drew out a wooden wand. Wands annoyed him but his fingers were too numb to try runes. With a shaking hand he closed his eyes, swept the wand in an arc over his head and muttered an incantation.
At once, he felt himself being sucked away; something that always happened when someone ported. He kept his eyes firmly closed as he felt strangely light. A few seconds later he felt a rush of warmth and his feet once more touched the ground.
“Yes?”
Kyvor opened his eyes.
He was in a hall crafted out of black stone and polished to a superb shine. There were no windows; the only sources of light were the flaming torches that were suspended in brackets.
“Are you deaf, Kyvor?”
Kyvor snapped his head to the right to see a woman standing arrogantly. Her look of contempt couldn't be more obvious. She was middle aged with a regal aura that was so thick it could have chocked someone. Her beauty helped to cement her aloofness but it made Kyvor laugh inside to think of which potions she intoxicated herself on to maintain her looks. Like Kyvor she wore a long leather coat but where his had the blue symbol of the shadows over his heart, hers had the gold symbol of the lord.
“I have a message from the Shadows to the Lord,” said Kyvor.
“Give it to me then, and I shall make sure he receives it,” replied the woman.
“It’s a verbal one, but the Lord will probably tell you anyway. Tell him that the enclave have made their next move. They’ve sent Elayna Fenthera under the guise of one Eleanor Harbour to a town on the South coast of England.”
“So they’ve finally decided to use their cute, little prodigy. It was time Merlin’s line produced someone with talent. She might actually be fun to kill,” said the woman mockingly. “But why would the Lord care if they’re going to move some girl?”
It was Kyvor’s turn to mock.
“Oh, don’t you know, Lirelle? The enclave has been operating more and more around that area, and now they have sent the heiress of Merlin's house there. They might have located the key. Doesn’t the Lord hold you in his confidence?”
Just as Lirelle drew breath to make a reply, Kyvor waved his arm in an arc over his head and was gone, leaving Lirelle fuming in the hall.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,759 Reviews
Excuse me, Mr crucifix. But prologues tend to be a touch shadier then actual chapters. There are reasons you can't just transport to the big bad boss' HQ seeing as the good duys would just bust his behind if it was that simple. Kyvor had to go by a special portway that was located at the lighthouse door.
And it is possible to do an action arrogantly. Have you never heard 'said *insert character* with an arrogant sneer' and co.
And there are messages other than verbal. Written messages is one, and sign messages using sticks, hand signs ect.
Anyway, I hope that cleared things up.
Sorry, I didn't realise you had a prologue. Makes about half of my critique irrelevant seeing as this explains a lot of it. I must say, this is better than Chapter One. Take note of my crit, though.
LIked this! Just came from critting your chapter one. Stupid me...I always read the sequel before the original.
OKay, good. I don't agree about the info-dumping...it added intrigue and interest to the story. We're not supposed to know all about eveyrthing from the beginning, and having people talk about things we know nothing about serves to sharpen out interest.
I don't like the first sentence. 'Standing while looking' seems a bit like she's multi-tasking. As if it's difficult to stand and look at the same time. I would say. "...to see a woman standing arrogantly with her chin tilted up, staring at him contemptuously down her nose." Or something like that.
Anyway, good job! Liked it, and I liked the first chapter, too.
Yours most truly,
Made the changes, glad you enjoyed it! It's a rewrite of a stroy I had going, but failed to lift off in high fantasy, so I'm aiming at urban now.
In response to Porchys statement, would it be better if this were a prologue to excuse the information that don't lead anywhere.
This story was pretty entertaining. It kept my interest and I usually have the attention span of a child plagued with ADHD (and not the false cases which allow the schools to lower their standards on their students but an actual case) Anyway, I don't like checking for grammatical errors so I didn't. Hopefully the replies preceeding me got everything. Just keep up the good work.
Sorry if its info dumpy at the start. Things are meant to be revealed as the story goes on.
Anyway, thank you fr all the crits!
A nice start. No massive dumps of information which is a great thing. You'll have to give more information as you go. What you have is enticing but the reader will want to know more of the obvious conflict before they get to far in.
It looks good so far. Keep it up.
Firstly, this kept my attention. It was interesting, very nice stylistically and the characters were satisfactory.
There is one major flaw in this: the pace. We have been overwhelmed by information at the end of the story. We have the enclave? The key? The woman? Its all very info dumpy.
I think maybe this is the wrong scene to use in such a plot-to-reader way. Or maybe there was just too much information towards the end. Who is this lord? I think you need to deal with one thing at a time, maybe Kyvor doesn't know all that information - he only knows the "key" is at risk. This way the rest of the story is unveiled in the following scenes.
Regards and good luck.
Just a few errors and suggestions:
There is supposed to be a comma after 'At once'. Nothing too big.
This sentence struck me as odd. 'felt the feeling' seemed kind of repetitive. Maybe you could say 'At once, he felt the sucking away of his body that always happened when someone ported'. Not the best, but I think you understand what I'm trying to say.
You have a run-on sentence here. You could fix that easily by breaking it up into two. For instance: 'He kept his eyes firmly closed as he began to feel strangely light. A few seconds later, he felt a rush of warmth and his feet once more touched the ground.'
You don't have to take any of my comments into play; I just wanted to give you my opinion. Besides this, I found your story quite amazing and interesting. Your plot and writing were brilliant, your characters were well developed, and I found myself wanting to read more.
Keep it up! It has great potential (I could totally see something like this being published).