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140,545 Literary Works • 673,419 Reviews
I agree with this. Also, the word 'you' is repeated a whole lot!
Hhhmm...
Meh. This was good, but as a poem, I feel it should have more imagery and emotion. This is just basically a rhyming chant and all we get from this is that someone wants someone else to wake up.
There's nothing wrong with being simple, but I think you should add more depth to this.
-Ayra
This is really good. I love it. You should leave it just as it is.
Good work.
I liked this. Short and sweet ^.^
I do, however, think that you might want to sepatate this into stanza's, having the "wake up" head each stanza. I do agree about the one non-rhyming line in the poem, it seems out of place, a little odd. That can, no doubt, be easily fixed with a short rhyming word instead of "good." ^.^
I do not agree that this is not a poem. It presents one view, and in its own way, exhibits imaginaive interpretation of the supject matter, waking up ^.^ It is a poem if it is Fans interpretation of a poem. I cannot see how one can mould poetry into specific types and froms. It seems hardly possible.
Well, thats my rant ^.^
I liked it ^.^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I agree with gadi. The repetition makes it feel more like a song.
Also, the "waking up" metaphor has been used so many times. It's a good image, but it has been used so many times.
Read over it. Say it aloud. Revise it. Throw in some meaningful imagery and you've got yourself a nice little poem.
Mmm....
I dislike it as a poem, but it's wonderful as song lyrics.
Why not a poem???
A poem, defined by Dictionary.com, is a composition in verse, esp. one that is characterized by a highly developed artistic form and by the use of heightened language and rhythm to express an intensely imaginative interpretation of the subject.
This lacked many poetic elements that could've made it better. It's not bad. Oh no! It's just not as good as it could be, you know?
The ingredients for good poems are:
The recipe! (The idea.) Think it out for at least thirty seconds before you start writing.
The dry ingredients! (The words.) The words you choose are so important. The thesaurus can go half-way through, and then you need to figure the rest.
The wet ingredients! (The rhythm.) Is it ta-da, ta-da, ta-da, or is it ta-di-di, ta-di-di, ta-di-di, ta-di-di? It's what makes the poem tick, what makes it rich and beautiful.
The spices! (Imagery, alliteration, etc.) These are what brings your grade from B to A, what makes us say WOW! what makes the bland taste disappear. Moderation is not needed for this one--let them pour out!
The oven! (Metaphores/similies.) Cook the cake to perfection! Those also use in abundance! Never have too little!
Wow. That was fun and long.
Anyway, pm me if you want me to re-critique this after you add some of these!
Thanks1 That was great. It made me hungry, too.
It's good, but it seems to have been rushed, and just slapped down. The reapting lines have it tottering on the edge of being a poem. Have you tried song lyrics?
It's a very nice theme but the 9 out of 11 lines all rhyming doesn't agree with me.
It sounds very much like a chant, if the rhythm was a little stronger it would be much better, but i like it.
WOW! that was good, dont add any more it would make it seem forced and the flow would stop. i'm not very good at criticing people, but that was good.