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Young Writers Society



The Secret of Tayburn Zoo: 12

by ExOmelas


The animals of Tayburn zoo were all crowded round the wooden tables in the lounge's left side. All those who could fit, that was. Patrick had offered to let the bigger animals try to Skype in, but they had declined. He would talk to them later. Those who had made it to the lounge were pressing as tightly they could onto the wooden charity-shop chairs. Birds were perched on the curved bars on the chair backs, frogs sat on the shoulders of monkeys.

They all looked up at Patrick.

He was sitting on the back of the couch, his backside protesting angrily at the narrow wooden strip it was balanced on. Every muscle in his body hurt, but he forced himself to his feet, sure he could hear his joints creak. He looked from face to face and started to speak.

"I just want you to know that I love you all, and we are going to figure this out," he said. His voice came out quieter than he'd realised it would, but soft was probably the way to go anyway. "Neuromax can't get rid of me. I'm the one that's done all the media interviews about you guys and your ‘amazing tricks’, so the public would ask questions. But of course, they also know I won't talk, because I don't want my part in what happened to all of you revealed."

A few eyes shifted, glancing at each other but looking hastily away.

Patrick cleared his throat. "Sorry, that's not to say I regret what happened. You know that. I'm just not eager to be called Dr Frankenstein and for the public to start calling for all of you to be sent to... well sent to Neuromax. So it's the five of them, or all of you."

Patrick took a deep breath. He glanced at a group of three young monkeys, all of whom were holding back tears. Tears sprang to his eyes at the thought of what it must have been like for them to lose Chip. Then his gaze drifted towards Rita, the crocodile who until that morning had barely spent a moment apart from her best friend Dexi. He thought of the other two, Gerry the toucan and Lisa the young frog, whom he knew less well. It didn't matter how well he knew them; these were tight-knit communities.

And Aurora. Of course, Aurora. She had nobody to miss her, not properly yet. But Patrick felt her absence like a gaping wound in his heart.

He looked back out at the group, his vision swimming in tears. "I am still not sure about Treego's plan, but it's all we've got."

Treego sprang up from the nearest table and clung to Patrick's wrist. He scuttled up, then settled on his head. Patrick glared up in his direction, forcing back a giggle, but the smiles from the rest of the assembled animals suddenly felt like a very good idea, and he let himself give in to the laugh.

"Alright, listen up!" Treego called, pacing back and forth on Patrick's head. "We have exactly one way of communicating with our friends, and that is through Neuromax rep Tracy MacLean. Patrick is understandably nervous about this, given the mixup, but all of you heard the way Crothers and his boss spoke about her, and you know that she is definitely not on their side."

Patrick grumbled, wishing he'd witnessed this in person. Apparently she’d been referred to as traitor, softie and several other more explicit terms as she’d been ordered around the cages, taking the five animals away to Neuromax. He trusted the remaining animals, but that didn't mean he could quite bring himself to trust MacLean.

"Good good, no objections from the main man here," Treego said, tapping his foot on the crown of Patrick's head. "Which is good, because we're going to need him. Patrick is going to put his gadget construction skills to good use and make tiny cameras, one for each of our friends. He is going to deliver these to MacLean at a coffee shop in the city, and she is going to sneak them to the animals. It's just good luck for us that they didn't let her go completely."

"Yeah, if she's such an enemy of theirs, why didn't they?" Patrick muttered.

"Because!" Treego shouted. "If you would just give her a chance you would realise that she is actually rather smart. I really do think the two of you would get along. She explained to Crothers and co, admittedly with somewhat nervous stammering, that they would need to cooperate with the animals and that she had by far the best rapport from them."

"This seems thin," Patrick said.

"I think the idea was that if Neuromax became too unbearable they would take the option of going public, since they had nothing to lose." Treego went very quiet. Patrick decided to stop bothering him. Clearly he was troubled by the thought of how bad it could get for his friends that they would risk public reaction. Treego went on, "MacLean is there to convince them this is the better option. Well, that's what Crothers thinks. She is of course our mole."

"Okay," Patrick said, "I will give her the cameras. Do you want to get to the end of this so I can go start working on them?"

Treego cleared his throat. "Right, yes, of course. Once they have these cameras, they are going to film what Neuromax does to them. At the end of each day that will sync with a computer here - we thought about livestream but worried about a signal being detected if the connection was constantly active. They are going to pretend to desperately miss Patrick - sorry, not pretend, emphasise."

Patrick slitted his eyes, but once again Treego had got a laugh from the assembled animals, so he attempted another smile with one side of his mouth.

"We will use this to build their story, to, well, humanise them. Then, once we have enough that makes Neuromax the bad guys and Patrick here the loving, caring father who took all the stranded animals under his care - which, again, not to suck up or anything, but that is true," Treego said. This time Patrick smiled properly, widely, symmetrically. Sincerity from Treego was a thing to be treasured. Treego continued, "Once we have that, we put it online. Of course people will think it's fake, but then they'll come to the zoo, and they'll see the truth."

A spider monkey raised her paw slowly into the air. "Why can't we just do that now?"

"Because Patrick would be Neuromax's scapegoat," Treego explained, "We need evidence to counter that attack. Any more questions?"

The monkey shook her head, and nodded for Treego to continue.

"Sorry, didn't mean to sound harsh," Treego said, "Genuinely, does anyone have any more questions?"

Nobody said anything, other than a few murmurs to the negative. Some shook their heads as well.

"Okay, good," Treego said, "Patrick, to the lab!"


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Thu Jul 09, 2020 12:58 pm
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

And Chapter 12 begins.

First Impression: Well that was a bit of an unexpected time jump there without much warning. That tension built up from Patrick setting out on that hard walk to try to save them. The possible consequences of Patrick not having gone to the bathroom is all just flushed down the toilet here. So that feels like a waste of good tension.

Anyway let's get to it,

The animals of Tayburn zoo were all crowded round the wooden tables in the lounge's left side. All those who could fit, that was. Patrick had offered to let the bigger animals try to Skype in, but they had declined. He would talk to them later. Those who had made it to the lounge were pressing as tightly they could onto the wooden charity-shop chairs. Birds were perched on the curved bars on the chair backs, frogs sat on the shoulders of monkeys.


And now I'm imagining an elephant trying to look at a tiny computer screen with those eyes of its.

"I just want you to know that I love you all, and we are going to figure this out," he said. His voice came out quieter than he'd realised it would, but soft was probably the way to go anyway. "Neuromax can't get rid of me. I'm the one that's done all the media interviews about you guys and your ‘amazing tricks’, so the public would ask questions. But of course, they also know I won't talk, because I don't want my part in what happened to all of you revealed."


So they can't arrange an....accident...

Patrick took a deep breath. He glanced at a group of three young monkeys, all of whom were holding back tears. Tears sprang to his eyes at the thought of what it must have been like for them to lose Chip. Then his gaze drifted towards Rita, the crocodile who until that morning had barely spent a moment apart from her best friend Dexi. He thought of the other two, Gerry the toucan and Lisa the young frog, whom he knew less well. It didn't matter how well he knew them; these were tight-knit communities.

And Aurora. Of course, Aurora. She had nobody to miss her, not properly yet. But Patrick felt her absence like a gaping wound in his heart.


Well it seemed like the animals were getting pretty chummy with her.

Treego sprang up from the nearest table and clung to Patrick's wrist. He scuttled up, then settled on his head. Patrick glared up in his direction, forcing back a giggle, but the smiles from the rest of the assembled animals suddenly felt like a very good idea, and he let himself give in to the laugh.


Laughing is definitely the way to go in a situation like this.

"Alright, listen up!" Treego called, pacing back and forth on Patrick's head. "We have exactly one way of communicating with our friends, and that is through Neuromax rep Tracy MacLean. Patrick is understandably nervous about this, given the mixup, but all of you heard the way Crothers and his boss spoke about her, and you know that she is definitely not on their side."


Yaay!! I was right the whole time. *does victory dance*

Patrick grumbled, wishing he'd witnessed this in person. Apparently she’d been referred to as traitor, softie and several other more explicit terms as she’d been ordered around the cages, taking the five animals away to Neuromax. He trusted the remaining animals, but that didn't mean he could quite bring himself to trust MacLean.


On second thought I'll refrain from possible premature celebration.

"This seems thin," Patrick said.


I think that should be a that.

Treego cleared his throat. "Right, yes, of course. Once they have these cameras, they are going to film what Neuromax does to them. At the end of each day that will sync with a computer here - we thought about livestream but worried about a signal being detected if the connection was constantly active. They are going to pretend to desperately miss Patrick - sorry, not pretend, emphasise."


Okay that's actually pretty smart to have thought of that.

"Okay, good," Treego said, "Patrick, to the lab!"


Yes. Time for science!!

And that's it.

Overall: Okay the plan is good on paper but let's see how well the execution goes. (Warning I will be sciencing this to death) And nice touch there in Treego's speech at the end. Looks like the plot at the moment is to save them so let's go with that and see if that is in fact the main arc of the story.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




ExOmelas says...


Yeah as you may have noticed science is not my thing xD One of the most consistent reviewers on this story (ShadowVyper) is doing a freaking masters degree in marine biology. I have learned that you cannot, for example, pat a frog on the head, as this will suffocate the poor thing! I just like animals alright :P



KateHardy says...


Well...I looked past the implications of the animals from the second chapter itself. Also wow...I did not know that.
Well...what counts is cute cuddle points. :D
And the science I know is mostly physics...soo....that's the stuff I looks at.



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Thu Feb 13, 2020 3:12 am
Lib says...



Ahhh! Yay! Let's go, Patrick & Treego!

Also,

She is of course our mole.


Is amazing. xD I love that line. Speaking of, I'm glad MacLean is on their side. =) One thing though - what happens if they're caught? Hopefully that doesn't happen anytime soon. Or ever. ^~^ But it's going to be serious trouble for them...




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Wed Mar 06, 2019 5:03 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Bisc!

Oh gosh this one has been sitting for a bit, eh? Sorry about that! I am super excited to see what you have for me here and I've got a bit of a break from uni today, so let's get started...

Patrick had offered to let the bigger animals try to Skype in, but they had declined.


I... was confused about this transition into this chapter? At the end of the last chapter I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I was thinking it was either going to involve him going to talk to the animals or to go back to fight with Neuromax and... it seems like we had a bit of a time break here? So now the animals have been kidnapped and Neuromax reps are gone and Patrick is holding a little meeting with the remaining animals about what happened? I mean that's cool and all, I just wasn't really expecting a time jump here and it took me a minute to catch up with what was happening -- so maybe you could edit to make the transition a bit smoother?

~ ~ ~

Okay! Besides the confusing transition at the start of this chapter, I really liked the rest of it! It's horrible that the animals were taken, but I really like how all of their little buddies are trying to launch this little coup to rescue them. It's heartwarming how much they all care for each other and I love it so much <3

One thing that was a bit weird, again in the transition, is... well... I guess just the lack of information as to what happened when? When did the animals get snatched? How did that argument with Maclean vs Crothers go down? What was Patrick doing during all this time? Did he not get threatened anymore? Did he get instructions on what to do with the remaining animals? Is he not being supervised now?

I just feel like there are a lot of questions as to what happened between the end of last chapter and the start of this one and right now we are in the dark as to the answers of all of them. I think making a clearer transition between there and here would significantly strengthen your chapter.

Otherwise, this was great as always! I love how tense and dramatic it is. As ever, I want to read on to figure out what's going on next and see how these cameras go and if Maclean is able to sneak them onto the animals and if this little scheme to uncover Neuromax is going to work. But alas, I am rambling at this point so I'll end this review.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Sun Feb 24, 2019 12:22 am
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Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @BiscuitsLeGuin I thought this would be a grate time to review this.

Cliffhangers and thoughts

okay I no I all ready said that thoughts need a bit of ficksing, I just really mean it now as in, I really feel like you need to go into there thoughts a lot more then you are, also I said this to @FlamingPhoenix when I was doing a review on her chapter, that I feel like there is to many cliffhangers, and I was told ones that you should not have to many cliffhangers, it can lead people away, so they stop reading your work, that mite be whats happened here, and now there is only two people reviewing it.

Stuff I would like to say

Okay so I really feel like this chapter was one of your best, your description I feel is much better then the last chapters, I do feel like the plot is really moving now, I feel like you started this chapter really nicely and I think you ended it really nicely as well, another thing is that its good how you put the lines, a lot of them make me feel sorry for Patrick.

What lines I really like

They all looked up at Patrick.
Oof he must feel really nervic right now, I feel really sorry for him

He was sitting on the back of the couch, his backside protesting angrily at the narrow wooden strip it was balanced on.
Lol I laughed at this bit, so funny but yet not very funny for the por Patrick.

So really this was all that I could say about this, if I came across as being to harsh and not very nice pleas for give me for it.

@EagleFly out to Seek and Kill

Happy Review day




ExOmelas says...


yeah, the cliffhangers might be getting a bit much. I think it's actually part of the nature of posting on YWS. When i post chapters I feel like each one should make people want to read the next one, kind of like tv episodes. It probably makes things bounce around all over the place xD Thanks for reminding me! This was a really useful review :D



Dossereana says...


Glade that you found it help full, :D




The human heart has hidden treasures, in secret kept, in silence sealed...
— Charlotte Bronte