z

Young Writers Society



The Secret of Tayburn Zoo: 26.2

by ExOmelas


A/N: Me reading this back was like "oh god why does this jump around so much" i am so sorry

---

Treego sprang away from the laptop mounted into the wall. He heard footsteps. Finding himself on top of a row of lockers, he leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes, as if he had been taking a nap.

"Treego, knock it off," called Eloise, the pilot who'd just come off duty. "You're logged into twitter on my laptop."

Treego sighed and scooted to the edge of the lockers. "I still don't understand how you get internet signal away up here."

"It's not quite internet..." she started to explain. "But what were you trying to do with it anyway? Leave that poor girl alone."

Treego groaned and padded around to face the front of the lockers as Eloise started to fiddle with the lock on hers. He looked down at her and said, "Her name is Holly, and she's our friend. I just want to say hi. She must have seen us on the news, so I guess she knows we're okay, but that's so impersonal."

Eloise was quiet for a moment. "You can't talk to me about her. Or her brother, or her grandfather. Please, you know I'm not allowed to."

Treego scoffed. "Yeah, because he went rogue and faked a big bad company's involvement, blah, blah, blah. You don't really believe that do you?"

"No goddam comment," Eloise muttered.

Treego rolled his eyes, then glanced in despair around the little teal-coloured room. There were lockers on both sides, but most contained important materials rather than crew possessions. Most of the crew didn't even bother to lock their stuff up, but Eloise always did. She wasn't exactly uptight, Treego thought, even if she did sometimes seem it. He wondered if something had happened in the past to make her so careful.

Maybe if she were a little less careful he'd be able to get past the thousand and one security protocols on the 'communal' laptop - communal didn't seem to include non-humans - in less time than the length of her entire shift. He'd try again, but since this was her second time catching him, he would probably be warned away from this area soon. Captain Barrett would be all too willing to listen to an accusation against him.

It was odd, having Captain Barrett around. After living for so long with Patrick, Treego thought they'd all got used to a certain fluffy comfort - or maybe he just meant respect. Captain Barrett did not respect Treego, and he really did not respect Treego's sense of humour.

Treego sighed and started to hop away. The shadow crew list had probably been posted by now, and while there was no way he was on it, it would be interesting to see who was.

---

"Good job, my friend!" Treego grinned, landing lightly on Chip's shoulder.

Chip stumbled a little, bumping into the laboratory table in front of him. Luckily the clamp stand was fastened tight, as it always was when Chip used it, and the test tube barely quivered. The lab was a low-ceilinged room, but wider than most of the other rooms on the ship. It was near the back, hidden away from the glory of the cockpit and the havoc of the central control room.

"Yeah," Chip mumbled, "Thanks."

"Oh, come on!" Treego exclaimed. "You don't have to be so modest! This is a big deal, my man. No more idling away your time on these endless experiments."

"Experiments save lives," Chip muttered, "Captains boss people around. Dexi should be captain, everyone knows it."

"Not Barrett," Treego said, keeping his voice low. Around the workbenches some of the other animals had started to turn towards them. There was Niall, that bat Treego had met on the first day at the manor, as well as Gerry the toucan and Juliet, the dog they'd all met on the last day at the manor.

“Barrett’s an idiot and I don’t know why he chose me,” Chip whispered.

“Well, you probably better go find out,” Treego said. He pointed at Chip’s wrist. They all wore little walkie-talkies so that the humans could contact them easily, and Chip’s was flashing purple. Purple meant Barrett.

“Great,” Chip muttered. “Can you finish up here?”

Treego sprang down on the table. “Uh, sure.”

Chip peeled off a pair of latex gloves, muttering to himself all the while. He kept muttering as he wandered out the door, scratching the back of his head.

Treego looked up at Niall. “Um, what in the world was he doing?”

Niall flapped his wings once, his own personal brand of shrugging. “I’ve no idea.”

Juliet rolled her eyes. “I’ve got it.”

Treego grinned at her and scurried down the side of the workbench. Nominally, he worked in communications, but that really just meant taking faulty walkie-talkies to the engineer, Rhona, in order to get them fixed. Rhona was a good engineer, so this didn’t happen often.

Treego thought he’d spend some of his abundant free time somewhere near Barrett’s office. If he was honest with himself, he didn’t understand why Chip had been chosen either, and he was curious to find out.

---

Barrett wasn't an oversized man - none of the astronauts were - but he had a loud booming voice, and Treego imagined that in another walk of life he might have had a big portly belly. As it was, he was in remarkable shape for someone in what looked like his late thirties, with well-defined muscles and bright, sharp eyes. He was also an idiot.

What was funny though, was that his office was probably the smallest room on the ship, because it had no practical purpose beyond conversation. He had a desktop computer secured with many screws to his grey metal desk, but most of his work he did practically, on the main floor of the ship. Treego did give him credit for that.

Of course, Treego couldn't actually see this big man in his little cramped office, because as expected he hadn't been on the list of shadow crew, and as such was not invited to their meeting. But he'd been in getting told off enough times to be able to tell exactly who was standing where based entirely on acoustics, as he pressed his back against the wall, just next to where the sound creeped out under the door.

"And then we have Phoenix, who will be helping develop faster communication services, as well as Aurora who will be working in welfare," Barrett said, "And lastly Chip, who will be learning how to lead."

"I - I'm sorry, sir," Dexi said. Treego took in a sharp breath. Dexi, sounding timid? She went on, "It's just, I was wondering if you could explain in more detail why I was assigned to the flight team. Just so I know what it is you want me to keep doing. And, uh, maybe we could get explanations for everyone else too?"

Barrett chuckled. "Ah, yes, good idea. Well, we chose you for flying because of your excellent vision, and of course your dexterity with wheel based controls."

Treego held his breath as he went through the other five shadow crew members, waiting presumably as Dexi was, for the one she was actually curious about.

"And Chip," Barrett said. Treego's insides pulled themselves taut. Barrett continued, "Chip we chosen because we think he has the image of a good leader, and that's half of what being a leader is - being someone that your crew feels like they can trust. Chip has good posture, a wide, friendly smile. He's tall - though he doesn't tower over you. And I am sure his opposable thumbs will come in useful in all manner of situations."

Treego stared at the ground. The meaning might not have been clear to the other human crew members, maybe not even to Barrett himself. But Treego knew exactly what he meant. Chip had been chosen because he wasn't frightening, he wasn't so small that sometimes you missed he was even there. He looked like a leader; he looked like Barrett. Chip had been chosen because he had opposable thumbs and he usually walked on two legs. Because he was a monkey, and monkeys were close enough to human.


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Mon Jul 13, 2020 2:08 pm
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

And the last three chapters now. I do hope you post more of this.

First Impression: Well I see what you mean by animal and human relations. This is a really interesting take on I think. I love the way this chapter progresses. Also the jumping around it totally fine honestly. It flows very naturally.

Anyway let's get to it,

"It's not quite internet..." she started to explain. "But what were you trying to do with it anyway? Leave that poor girl alone."


Okay...I'll take your word for it Eloise.

It was odd, having Captain Barrett around. After living for so long with Patrick, Treego thought they'd all got used to a certain fluffy comfort - or maybe he just meant respect. Captain Barrett did not respect Treego, and he really did not respect Treego's sense of humour.


This is such a nice nod to Patrick. We need more!!

"Not Barrett," Treego said, keeping his voice low. Around the workbenches some of the other animals had started to turn towards them. There was Niall, that bat Treego had met on the first day at the manor, as well as Gerry the toucan and Juliet, the dog they'd all met on the last day at the manor.


Interesting cast of animals for the space trip but okay.

“Barrett’s an idiot and I don’t know why he chose me,” Chip whispered.

Barrett wasn't an oversized man - none of the astronauts were - but he had a loud booming voice, and Treego imagined that in another walk of life he might have had a big portly belly. As it was, he was in remarkable shape for someone in what looked like his late thirties, with well-defined muscles and bright, sharp eyes. He was also an idiot.


Good description there to introduce him.

Of course, Treego couldn't actually see this big man in his little cramped office, because as expected he hadn't been on the list of shadow crew, and as such was not invited to their meeting. But he'd been in getting told off enough times to be able to tell exactly who was standing where based entirely on acoustics, as he pressed his back against the wall, just next to where the sound creeped out under the door.


That is some serious listening power for a frog right there.

Treego stared at the ground. The meaning might not have been clear to the other human crew members, maybe not even to Barrett himself. But Treego knew exactly what he meant. Chip had been chosen because he wasn't frightening, he wasn't so small that sometimes you missed he was even there. He looked like a leader; he looked like Barrett. Chip had been chosen because he had opposable thumbs and he usually walked on two legs. Because he was a monkey, and monkeys were close enough to human.


Oooh that seems like it will be the main source of conflict here. This gets even more interesting(if that's even possible).

Aand that's it.

Overall: This chapter does a good job of establishing the main thing that I think you were going for. Also good introduction for Barrett. This is sounding really good so far.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




ExOmelas says...


Yes I am planning on posting more! I'm sort of falling behind on posting it because I get so used to waiting on the two reviews and then forget to actually post the next bit because I'm not used to not having a part in the green room. I think I am actually due for another bit going up so should probably have that sorted by the time you get there ^.^



KateHardy says...


Okay sounds good!!



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Tue Mar 31, 2020 11:35 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Bisc!

It's a Review Day miracle ;) Shady back for another review for ya on this fine evening. Let's get started...

Treego sprang away from the laptop mounted into the wall.


This is an insanely minor nitpick and feel free to disregard this entirely, but I'm having a hard time envisioning a laptop mounted to a wall. Like, mounted to a desk? Sure. But like I'm imagining a screen mounted to a wall with the keyboard just protruding from it and it feels very Risky and Breakable to mount a laptop off of a wall in that manner.

"Treego, knock it off," called Eloise, the pilot who'd just come off duty.


I don't think it's necessary to explain who she is since she was introduced in the previous chapter that we literally just read. We know she's a pilot who just came off duty.

communal didn't seem to include non-humans


Oh, ouch that stings.

Chip peeled off a pair of latex gloves, muttering to himself all the while. He kept muttering as he wandered out the door, scratching the back of his head.


Ahaha I have never related to one of your characters on a personal level as much as I relate to Chip in this scene. Science do be like this sometimes xD

"And Chip," Barrett said. Treego's insides pulled themselves taut. Barrett continued, "Chip we chosen because we think he has the image of a good leader, and that's half of what being a leader is - being someone that your crew feels like they can trust. Chip has good posture, a wide, friendly smile. He's tall - though he doesn't tower over you. And I am sure his opposable thumbs will come in useful in all manner of situations."


I HATE BARRETT SO MUCH!

OH MY GOSH he is the literal worst. I mean on behalf of poor Dexi, because clearly those are terrible reasons, but also like can we say misogyny anyone? Like this is a species-ist difference, but how many times do men get picked to be a leader because they "look" like a leader. Oh my gosh. This made me angry so fast.

~ ~ ~

So... as you might have been able to tell from my last paragraph, this chapter gave me a lot of feelings lol. I think that's good. The "rationale" seemed authentic and instantly made me hate Barett and feel so bad for poor Dexi and even Chip too because he clearly knows that Dexi should have become the captain instead of him, and it can't be a comfy spot for him to be in.

Overall I liked this chapter!

However, as you mentioned, it does jump around quite a bit. With how very short your chapters are to begin with, I think having 3 different locations is a bit excessive. I personally would leave off the bit about Treego trying to hack Eloise's computer for now. I mean on the one hand, it was a good transition, helped me fit these scenes in the correct time-line for the story arch, but on the other hand, it didn't add much more to the plot that is immediately necessary for us to know. It was a good scene, though. I don't think I would necessarily nix it -- just approach it a bit differently.

If you wanted to leave it here, maybe instead of having Chip leave Treego behind and there being a time skip (and therefore a bit of a tone shift) you could have Treego walking Chip to Barett's office? That way it's a more organic transition to a new place, instead of having a second time skip in a single chapter.

Just some suggestions. Obviously feel free to take them or leave them. I just would suggest modifying this a bit so it doesn't feel quite so jarring to have so many transitions in such a short amount of words.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Sun Mar 01, 2020 10:20 am
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @ExOmelas I'm here to do another review for you, So sorry for it being so late when it came out school got in the way. :( but I can review it now. so lets get right into it shell we.
first of I would like to thank you for the authors note at the top before the chapter really began, also don't worry I have gone back on lots of chapters and these just so much stuff that needs to be change and ya, so everyone has those moments, your not the only one. also I no that I get critcle when it comes to these tip of chapters so i'm say this before hand, if its to harsh I'm really, really, sorry.

Treego sprang away from the laptop mounted into the wall. He heard footsteps. Finding himself on top of a row of lockers, he leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes, as if he had been taking a nap.

"Treego, knock it off," called Eloise, the pilot who'd just come off duty. "You're logged into twitter on my laptop."


I'm okay I don't get it how in the world did he get on to on top of a row of lockers, another thing I never mentioned is that, in the other chapter there was not much mention of of Treego and the others, and so when you do something like this we don't really no what was happening while you were busy with Dexi in the other chapter. This is just a little thing I have noticed you are welcome to disagree, another thing I did not tell you this in the other review i think it slipped my mind, bit you never told us what was going on with Patrick in the chapter 26 part 1, you mite have done this for a reason I'm not quit sure. after reading through the chapter before doing this review I noticed this again, you never really said anything about Patrick in this chapter as well. I'm hopping that we see lot more of him in the next chapter.

Chip stumbled a little, bumping into the laboratory table in front of him. Luckily the clamp stand was fastened tight, as it always was when Chip used it, and the test tube barely quivered.


Now I did like your description its still as good as the last chapter, another thing I would like to say, is that you are doing better at the amount of talking your characters are doing, there not talking as much as in some earlier chapters, so great job on that.

okay and this is really all I have to say about this chapter, it was a great chapter, and as I already said if I was being to harsh pleas tell my because I'm really, really sorry, I don't mean to be. I no that you said already that this was not one of your best chapter. But I think that if you were me it could have been a lot worse, so don't worry. again thanks for reading my review I no it uses a lot of your time. :D

I hope you have a great Day/Night

@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews





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