A/N: Sorry again for maybe getting the pacing wrong with the introduction of the panda. Hopefully you can find some interest here. I promise there's a big bombshell in the next one, then the panda in the one after that.
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This was the first day in several months that no children would come to Tayburn zoo. The monkeys were chilling in their cage, lying around against logs and swinging lazily around on ropes. Treego had stopped working on his pulleys. Rita and Dexi were staring straight at each other, each willing the other to come up with a way to pass the time that didn't require a Sky Sports subscription.
Patrick watched it all on a CCTV splitscreen in his above ground office. He noticed Chip look straight into one of the cameras in the monkey cage, and give a nervous smile. But as he rose from his chair to go tell him off, the main door intercom buzzed. The workers, the outsiders, were here.
He flattened down the creases in his waistcoat the best he could as he hurried around the zoo. Some of the animals tilted their heads to the side, clearly not used to him trying to look professional. When a zoo was full of children, it wasn’t really that much of an issue. But other adults, expecting him to know what he was doing…
He reached his hand out to press the little green button at the side of the door, reassured by how little it shook. It would be fine, he could do this. When the Neuromax representatives came by for their inspections every month he just about managed to convince them of his competence. He had this under control.
Three people in grey jumpsuits stared at him, their gazes all pinned on him. The eyes followed him as he stepped from button to the middle of the doorway. Patrick wondered if their eyes were tracking the sweat as it slithered down the end of his nose. He didn’t have this under control.
They all kept staring at him.
"Oh, right yes, of course," Patrick stammered, "Hello, welcome to Tayburn. Do come in."
He ushered them in through the wide wooden doors. People often commented on the fact that the hinges were so nondescript that they seemed to be camouflaged in the walls, and Patrick had to put all of his effort into not smirking at the irony of how little people knew. It was a thought that occurred to him every morning. But the three construction workers said nothing about the doors, said nothing at all in fact.
Patrick clapped his hands together to get their attention, but ended up just rubbing them lamely together because he couldn't think of something to say in time. "So, um, shall I just take you straight to the plot?"
"Sure," said one of the construction workers, a widely built man with dark orange hair.
After a little while of Patrick leading them out towards the far left corner of the zoo, he began to feel like he was driving his daughter home from school with her sulking in the passenger's seat.
"Are you alright?" he asked eventually.
One of the other workers, a short woman with spiky blonde hair, shrugged and said, "It's seven in the morning."
"Oh, oh of course, I'm sorry," Patrick said, "That's just when I tend to get things done. I forget other people aren't old like me."
The last worker, a dark skinned man with tightly worked cornrows, smiled slightly. "It's alright, mate. We're just not too chatty at this time in the morning. Are you okay? You sound nervous."
Patrick shook his head and laughed. "Why would I be nervous?"
The man shrugged. "I don't know, no big deal, eh?"
Patrick nodded. "Come on, we're almost there."
If Patrick had any luck in the world, Dexi would not have overheard that from the nearby crocodile enclosure. He had no patience to endure her teasing at that moment.
The workers seemed to find the plot satisfactory when they finally reached it. Although, if Patrick had to guess what could be causing their slight frowns he would probably have said the rather remote location for what ought to be any zoo's centrepiece. But if he'd learned anything in the past few minutes, it was that opening his mouth didn't do him any favours, so he let them get started, explaining that he had to go train his animals.
Of course, when he did get to the monkey cage, he remembered that they had been training themselves since he taught them to read in the months after the zoo had opened. Still, maybe he could find somewhere quiet to have a quick word with the always calming Chip.
His fingers shook as undid the latch, causing an unseemly clamour. What had happened to his steady legs and that arm that had reached out to open the door so calmly? It had been the eyes, Patrick knew. People always thought that animals were extraordinary, but those were just backflips. How was he meant to stop these strangers from realising the truth when the animals had to pretend to be normal?
Chip, whom Patrick could identify from a blue wristband, padded over to the door on all fours. He sniffed Patrick, then slinked away again. Patrick could have kissed him then; he knew how much Chip hated acting like a regular monkey.
He followed Chip over to the larger group he had just rejoined and knelt in front of them. With his voice as hushed as possible, he said, "Okay, listen up. I've got them settled out past the crocodiles, so I think it will be safe to spend some time in the huts. Please, never go down below though. I need you ready to get back and show off some tricks any time one of them walks past, even if they're just on their way to a toilet break. Sound good?"
Chip made a high pitched barking noise.
"Is that a... yes?" Patrick tilted his head to the side.
Chip abruptly straightened up and shrugged. "I have no idea. I don't usually bother making noise during the day. It's so inefficient."
Patrick grinned. "I'm glad you enjoy talking so much. Any chance you could set off some sort of chain of messengers? Just go downstairs, through to the lion enclosure, tell Belinda what I told you, then... Actually Belinda is probably too noticeable to go also tell the frogs. Could you tell Treego also then just let him tell the birds?"
Chip nodded. "And then birds to crocodiles, then looping back around along the bigger animals, yeah?"
Patrick nodded. "Thanks, buddy."
Chip gave him a little salute. "No problem, Pat. Try to relax, if you can. We've got you."
Patrick's mouth burst into a smile before he even had time to react, but he went with it and wrapped Chip into a quick hug. "Thank God."
As they pulled apart, Patrick's phone began to ring. He excused himself from the other monkeys as Chip took off, and got it out his pocket. It was his daughter.
"Hi, Helen," he said, getting to his feet and heading for the enclosure's exit, "Everything alright?"
"Hi, Dad. The children's tennis class was cancelled and the after-school club won't let me book into their summer holiday daycare today on such short notice. Would it be alright if I brought them over on my way to work?"
Patrick gulped. He had expected the children to arrive in the late afternoon, long after the workers would be likely to stay. He held his voice as steady as he could. "Of course, honey. But could you do me a favour? Could you tell them that, just for today, to pretend like I'm a real zookeeper, that I've always been a zookeeper. And that their friend Treego is a completely normal frog?"
There was a long pause. "You sure about this?"
"Yes," he said, "I know I don't sound it but I am. Bring them over whenever you like."
"Alright, thank you so much."
"You're welcome, honey."
He hung up the phone, took a single breath then sprinted over to the hut. He needed to get Treego to add something to the message.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
And the penultimate review for the day before I stop.
First Impression: Well finally some excitement which is much appreciated. I love the quick coordinating he does to construct a plan to make things work out. Shows how long he has been working with those animals.
Anyway let's get to it,
Showtime Patrick...
So despite the fact that he was fired they don't consider him incompetent. That's interesting.
Patrick's nerves and apprehension for this whole event is portrayed really well in this scene. You can feel the tough situaion that Patrick is in.
So this panda is meant to be a centerpiece of sorts. Why would a zoo randomly be giving away a centerpiece worthy animal to another zoo?
Well interesting nugget of information right there.
Lovely ending right there. Helen was talking maybe a little too fast there. I'd expect there to be a bit more small talk between father and daughtere. Besides that this does a great job of building up tension for the next chapter.
Aaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Nice little chapter to build up tension. From what you mentioned in the A/N things are about to get real interesting scene and this scene works as a great setup to that. And once again the relationship that Patrick has with his animals is shown really well.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Kids are never good at keeping secrets just saying. I'm a kid myself. Basically. Younger than 18. That should do it. Actually, now that I think of it, it'd depend on how old the kids are. -~- Please cooperate kiddos, but at the same time, don't cooperate please.
oh wow you're getting through this fast. I appreciate that a lot
Not a problem. I usually am eager to read and drop more commets instead of doing the whole process of reading, and then reviewing. xD
Bisc!
Gosh, this has been posted for over a month already. Sorry this took me so long to get to >.< I'm super excited to see what's next!
even if you are denying me my pandaYour "it" here is a little unclear. Is "it" referring to his hand shaking or the green button shaking? Context-wise it would make sense it being his hand, but it kinda reads like he's reassured that the green button isn't shaking, which is odd.
The "stared at him" and "gazes all pinned on him" seemed really... repetitive? in the same sentence. Doesn't "stare" kind of imply that their gazes were pinned on him? I'm not sure how to articulate what I mean but hopefully you understand lol.
Bood xD
This whole chapter is just so wholesome and freaking adorable and I absolutely love it. I really like how obviously nervous Patrick is and yet how much his animal buddies totally have his back. It's like he takes care of them but they also take care of him and I just love it so much. The characterization is one of my favorite things about this novel tbh.
~ ~ ~
Okay! Not a ton of plot advancement in this chapter -- workers come, some bonding with the monkeys, but not a ton of stuff otherwise. Still, it sets up the scene for a potential crisis next chapter -- introducing kids? Uh oh. I'm already nervous on Patrick's behalf that the little nasties are going to say something to blow his cover lol.
But I'm excited to read the next chapter! As always you left me wanting to read on. s
Keep writing!
~Shady
Hi Bisc! I finally got here.
I was somewhat confused as to what the people in the grey jumpsuits are doing - I assumed Patrick would have to hang around and answer a lot more questions!
I think, overall, my main issue with this chapter is something that's been bugging me a little bit all along and that is that Patrick makes a lot of decisions that I don't understand when it comes to keeping up appearances and keeping the big secret under wraps. I know that this is just a first draft and you need to get motivations and stuff smoothed out. But in this chapter I just found it kind of distracting. Like: 1) why would he tell the monkeys that they can start relaxing again? This is a really stressful day, it seems weird that he would put them all at risk just for the sake of them kind of hanging out? 2) why would he agree to let Helen bring the kids over, today of all days?
I think that both of these just need explanations or it needs to be made clear that he feels he doesn't have any other choice. This can sometimes mean that the characters around him are going to have to play the bad guy as such, and force him into that choice. Maybe the monkeys are protesting or he's worried that they're going to do something bad unless he acquiesces, but I never felt that threat from them. And Helen seems really apologetic and even asks him, "are you sure?" I know he loves his grandchildren but honestly today just seems like very much the wrong day to have them there. So maybe Helen needs to twist his arm a bit - where is she going that she can't take them? Is it something important, like a job interview? Has she asked anyone else yet? Is she making it super clear that she has no other option at present?
Maybe what you're going for is that he's a very agreeable person who hates to say no, and that he's going to have too many balls in the air and that something is going to drop. But I think that if that's the route you're taking - and it's absolutely fine if it is! - then it needs to be signposted. We need to see and hear him having thoughts that put all of his decisions in context.
I am excited for the panda! Pandas are so cute. I wonder if this one is going to be able to talk? :O
Let me know when you update!
- Stella x
Hey Stella! These are really good points about the motivations and definitely stuff I'd be calling other people out for. I'll figure out some stuff to retcon in in an author's note for the next chapter.
Thanks for the review
Hi there @BiscuitsLeGuin I am here to do a review on you work first things first.
What I like
They all kept staring at him. I think that this is true for I think I would do the eggsaked same thing.
He had no patience to endure her teasing at that moment. hahah this is funny I like this lin
What needs a bit of work
The monkeys were chilling in their cage, lying around against logs and swinging lazily around on ropes. why did you say lazily I do not get that bit.
Rita and Dexi were staring straight at each other, each willing the other to come up with a way to pass the time that didn't require a Sky Sports subscription. okay a little mistake a way is spelt away, the a and the way is one word,
the main door intercom buzzed. what dose this word mean intercom.
Three people in grey jumpsuits stared at him, this needs a bit more words to it.
People often commented on the fact that the hinges were so nondescript that they seemed to be camouflaged in the walls, okay one thing what dose nondescript mean.
He needed to get Treego to add something to the message. I am going to and some more to this.
Suggestions
1 for: Rita and Dexi were staring straight at each other, each willing the other to come up with a way to pass the time that didn't require a Sky Sports subscription. Rita and Dexi were staring straight at each other, each willing the other to come up with away to pass the time that didn't require a Sky Sports subscription our something else related to that.
2 for: Three people in grey jumpsuits stared at him and looked puzzled and confused,
3 for: He needed to get Treego to add something to the message. He needed to get Treego to add something to the message other wise it was not going to do very well.
so that is all that I can say, so keep up with the good work. HAPPY REVIEW DAY.
@EagleFly out to seek and kill