z

Young Writers Society



The Secret of Tayburn Zoo: 25

by ExOmelas


"What's the matter, Grandpa?"

Patrick lifted his head out of his hands and stared down at Holly as she joined him on the soft blue and white couch. It was part of a matching set in Helen's house, and just a moment ago Josh MacKenzie had come by with the latest updates of the case. How could he possibly tell her? But it would soon be in the news, and Patrick knew what children were like with their iPads - she'd find out almost immediately. Besides, it turned out she really did have MacKenzie's tweets on notification alert.

He patted her head, smoothing down her short, jet black hair. She'd dyed it a few weeks ago, and was counting the years until she could get her lip pierced. But her wide blue eyes still held the love of Tayburn Zoo in there, he knew it.

"It's... it's not good news, honey." He stopped himself and cleared his throat. He'd been a grandfather for over a decade; he could do this. "Holly, what did Josh MacKenzie say to you in the hall? I couldn't really hear through the door."

Holly smiled, but immediately wiped it off her face. She swallowed and said, "Oh, nothing much. Just that I should come give you a hug."

"Alright, good," Patrick muttered, "Well, I guess he could have given me some time, but I'm glad he didn't tell you anything more. You need to hear this from me."

But the words caught in his throat, jagging into the walls of his gullet. The memory of a few moments ago washed over him and he couldn't drag himself back to the present, no matter the insistent tugging of Holly's gaze.

Helen had let MacKenzie in, which she hadn't seemed overly pleased by. Patrick was still flushed with gratitude that she'd agreed he could stay with them while the trial was suspended, but her hurried stride into the kitchen once she'd alerted Patrick of MacKenzie's arrival told him she still wasn't happy to have the children around so much drama. Still, she'd brought them each a cup of tea. And he was about to break her child's heart.

MacKenzie had sat down, hair cut a little but still unkempt. He spoke in a clipped, neutral Scottish accent with a much quieter, softer tone than Patrick had heard before. He brought no briefcase, no laptop, only his phone. But Patrick didn't even need to see the phone. Why would he believe a screen more than he believed the man who'd been his first and closest - if slightly more comfortable with the camera than might have been desirable - ally.

"Patrick," he'd begun.

Now, Patrick looked Holly right in her eyes and said, "Holly."

She nodded. Alright, what had MacKenzie done next?

Holding her gaze, Patrick said, "The government weren't doing well with 'reverting' the animals back to their 'natural' state. The public pressure was working against them and frankly I don't think they knew what they were doing."

Holly drew back a little and Patrick raised his own eyebrows at what he'd just said. Okay, maybe he didn't need to parrot MacKenzie's attitude back word for word.

He went on, "So they decided to try something else. It was very experimental, but they thought it might enable them to cut off whatever was infecting the other animals with that cleverness. You know, the way Aurora started being able to talk? But... it didn't work."

"What happened to Treego, Grandpa?" Holly whispered.

"He's okay." Patrick forced the words out his mouth. They tasted cold, felt fuzzy, like he hadn't brushed his teeth. "But he's not going to be playing his game any more. What they did, it messed with whatever had been making them clever, and now he's a totally normal frog. Chip's a totally normal monkey. Aurora's a totally normal panda."

Holly didn't say anything, but her brow screwed up, her jaw clenched, as she desperately held back tears. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and kissed the side of her head, just before the clip-on metal cuff around her ear. He whispered, "It's okay. I'll miss them too."

After a moment Holly gave way to tears, and the eyeliner he hadn't even realised she was wearing started to run. They stayed like that for a while, completely still, but finally Patrick's stomach twisted as he realised that this suspension of time was going to have to stop.

"Holly," he whispered, "Could you go get Scott?"

Holly wiped her eyes, grimacing as her hands came away grimy with make-up. "I'm going to get washed up first."

Patrick allowed a tiny hint of a smile in the corner of his mouth. "Probably a good idea."

She dragged herself off the couch, sliding along with her legs outstretched until she really had to stand up. Once she was out of the room, Patrick leaned back and let his back sink into the couch cushions.

The worst part was that he'd lied to her. And he'd lie to Scott to. How could he possibly tell them the truth? It was true that the government had tried that procedure, to stop them from being infectious. But how could you express to a thirteen-year-old and a ten-year-old that the animals were driven insane as the very essence of their consciousness was fiddled with. How could you tell them that their friends had had to be put down, and had been dead for a week?

---

Well this is humiliating, reflected Treego.

Most of the poking and prodding that had been done to him up to this point had at least had some grand scientific aim behind it. This was just a technician who had no idea how to make clothes for his size. And yes, he thought as he looked down from his little shelf in the underground tunnel, it probably was a bit much to ask someone who usually made spacesuits for grown humans to scale their designs down by a size of several hundred. Not to mention turn it over so he had something that would allow him to walk on all fours.

But couldn't a little bit more care be put into not sticking him with a needle.

He glanced over at Dexi, who grinned widely at him. The government had apparently wanted to keep this whole thing as secret as possible, so they'd only hired one goddam guy to make all of the spacesuits, which meant that literally everyone he'd ever known at the zoo was staring at him as the needle came for him.

"Alright, I think I can work with this," the greying, pot-bellied man said. "Next!"

Treego sprang from the shelf to the ceiling of the strange, tube-shaped room. The man was probably going to offer a hand to carry him back to the others, but that was quite enough mocking ammunition for Dexi.

Next up was a penguin, Clover, whom Treego hadn't seen since they were taken from the zoo. It had turned out that all the other animals were holed up in another few rooms at the other end of the mansion, not even on one of the underground floors, which meant that they got much nicer wallpaper. And now, with this plan to send them all to space that still made him giggle, they'd all been reunited.

As he glanced up at the much more sombre face of Chip, he remembered the announcement Marie had made. There were some odd disturbances somewhere out there. She'd said some science words there but Treego hadn't a clue what she meant. But it didn't matter, they'd be going with a few select human astronauts anyway. The animals would be doing most of the work, and really, Treego figured, there couldn't be that much to do. The humans would just be there to advise.

Yet for some reason, they'd decided to name a leader of the animals. They'd said something about needing to ensure order amongst such a diverse range of species, which didn't even make sense. But worse than that, they'd chosen Chip, who Treego didn't really think should be leading anything.

This was a weird mission, and Treego was sure it was mostly Marie trying to find something useful for them to do so the government would permit them to continue living. But the thought of being up in space, the eyes of billions on him... that dazzled Treego.


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Mon Jul 13, 2020 11:43 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

And I'm back for another review. Took me some time to get back to this. Sorry.

First Impression: *falls off chair*

*wakes up head still spinning*
Uh..where are we again. Right. Review. Must start it. I think. Let's get to it,

"It's... it's not good news, honey." He stopped himself and cleared his throat. He'd been a grandfather for over a decade; he could do this. "Holly, what did Josh MacKenzie say to you in the hall? I couldn't really hear through the door."

Holly smiled, but immediately wiped it off her face. She swallowed and said, "Oh, nothing much. Just that I should come give you a hug."


"He's okay." Patrick forced the words out his mouth. They tasted cold, felt fuzzy, like he hadn't brushed his teeth. "But he's not going to be playing his game any more. What they did, it messed with whatever had been making them clever, and now he's a totally normal frog. Chip's a totally normal monkey. Aurora's a totally normal panda."


*sadness*

The worst part was that he'd lied to her. And he'd lie to Scott to. How could he possibly tell them the truth? It was true that the government had tried that procedure, to stop them from being infectious. But how could you express to a thirteen-year-old and a ten-year-old that the animals were driven insane as the very essence of their consciousness was fiddled with. How could you tell them that their friends had had to be put down, and had been dead for a week?


*sadness intensifies*

You do really great job of selling the fact that Patrick does in fact truly believe that this is the fate of these animals. Except the next part just throws everything for a loop.

Next up was a penguin, Clover, whom Treego hadn't seen since they were taken from the zoo. It had turned out that all the other animals were holed up in another few rooms at the other end of the mansion, not even on one of the underground floors, which meant that they got much nicer wallpaper. And now, with this plan to send them all to space that still made him giggle, they'd all been reunited.


And no one informed them? It does make enough sense though so that's okay,

This was a weird mission, and Treego was sure it was mostly Marie trying to find something useful for them to do so the government would permit them to continue living. But the thought of being up in space, the eyes of billions on him... that dazzled Treego.


Well that seems to be interesting.

Aand that's it.

Overall: Just a very abrupt change that comes out of absolutely nowhere. There's no buildup, no foreshadowing just a massive building of tension that is deflated instantly like a balloon being popped and suddenly we're transitioning to a totally different book. The tone change is instant there. It goes from the general sad mood of the animals being in trouble to the giddy excitement before a space launch. The animals are totally forgetting about Patrick and Treego is suddenly worried about who should be the leader, there just doesn't appear to be a connection here. There really has to be more of a reaction from the animals and just some kind of actual transition. It's just seem to such a huge anticlimax. A buildup across the last like ten chapters just being thrown out almost. It's just too abrupt and just all of a sudden we are in a different book. Hope I wasn't being too harsh there.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




ExOmelas says...


Yeah I get what you're meaning there. I think if I was reading this, this *would* be a pay-off for the build-up. Like, this is the moment where something had to give and this absurdity is what happened. But I also always knew that this was going to happen, since technically this is more like an extended prequel for a different story set, the one I mentioned before. So it fits better in my head. I think some reflection about Treego could probably link it better yeah, rather than getting straight into the conflict of the next section, which is about the dynamics between the animals and humans. Thanks for your reaction - that's really useful :D



KateHardy says...


Your Welcome!!
Yaa...that earlier bit goes a long way to making this better but it just is a very abrupt change to the reader so yeah a bit of reflection would go a long way...
:D



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Tue Mar 31, 2020 12:48 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Bisc!

Shady here, finally, with a review for you, courtesy of the Red Team! Let's get started...

soft blue and white couch.


It's not clear to me whether you're using "soft" to refer to the couch or the color blue here.

What they did, it messed with whatever had been making them clever, and now he's a totally normal frog. Chip's a totally normal monkey. Aurora's a totally normal panda.


>:(

How could you tell them that their friends had had to be put down, and had been dead for a week?


>:( >:(

~ ~ ~

Wait.

...

Gracious I really need to read this from the start again to get things straight. This is fully my fault for waiting so long in between chapters, but I'm confused. So Patrick was lied to and believes that his friends were driven insane and then euthanized? But in reality, they're going to outer-space?

That's a twist, isn't it?

I admit I am a bit confused about this chapter, but again it's probably just the time gap from when I last read it. And in that case, this is a wonderful twist!

It's so sad and angering what the animals and Patrick as well are all going through. But I actually really like the way that you're weaving these two storylines together with the dramatic irony of us knowing things that Patrick doesn't. It's giving a lot of conflicting emotions and it's making for a more complex experience which is really well done.

Excellent work!

~Shady 8)




ExOmelas says...


Yeee it's a twist! This is the big one I was talking about! So like, you don't hate it? You don't think it's too much of a tonal difference? Too silly, too out there? The thing is this story came from when I wrote a story about animals in space, but I had so much backstory I kept having to infodump that I realised the origin story was a novel in and of itself. So they were always going to go to space, from the moment I started writing this. As a result I've been terrified that this wasn't going to go down well, because if too many people thought it was too much then it could lead to me having to change the entire bones of the novel.

Of course, you do literally say that it's a wonderful twist, so I can probably stop panicking now. I'm just glad that you've finally seen this xD

Thanks for the review :D



Shady says...


Aha I don't hate it at all! I was a little surprised by how abrupt it seems, but again that might just be how long it's been. But even if it is a bit too abrupt upon a re-reading then you could add in like half a chapter to soften that transition and I think it's golden. I'm definitely interested to know what happens next!



ExOmelas says...


cool cool :) it's definitely meant to be a "wait... they're still alive? Patrick's been lied to? He thinks they're dead? Wait, why are they measuring Treego? They are going to SPACE?!"
The main thing I think I'm worried about is whether it's clear that Patrick believes them all to be dead, rather than he's just lying to the kids for some reason xD



Shady says...


No it's definitely clear that Patrick thinks they're dead but is lying to the kids about them being "normal" instead of telling them that they're dead.



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Thu Jan 30, 2020 12:04 pm
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hello @ExOmelas I am back to do a review on your story, and again just as the last one, I am really sorry I took so long to review it, but with out further or do lets get right into it.

So first of I just want say that, I really like how your start your chapters of, the first part of the it just really makes me want to keep going. Now I must say I for some reason liked this chapter more then the last one. I don't no why that is, but I find that the next chapter of every story is always better then the last. Maybe that is just because you plan the next one out more then the other one.

Patrick lifted his head out of his hands and stared down at Holly as she joined him on the soft blue and white couch. It was part of a matching set in Helen's house, and just a moment ago Josh MacKenzie had come by with the latest updates of the case. How could he possibly tell her? But it would soon be in the news, and Patrick knew what children were like with their iPads - she'd find out almost immediately. Besides, it turned out she really did have MacKenzie's tweets on notification alert.
This I felt like was some great description with Holly, I can just imagine all of this in my head and it looks great. Also I keep on noticing the word Helen and I just think of someone in my family hew has that name, witch is funny. It seams like a very well none name now days. Now coming up to were you keep on saying MacKenzie I have seen this word a lot, and I no that you just mad one mistake every time you spell it.

MacKenzie should be Mackenzie with out the capitalized K that k should still be there just not in capital letters. Okay now on to the next spelling mistake, not really even a spelling mistake just a miss place of some sort of apostrophe or something, sorry I do not no what its called.

iPads should be iPad's see that is just a simple thing, I hope that you sore what I did, also if you can tell my what that thing that I put there is called that would be great, sorry. Then the rest of this line was great. The hole thing just sounds so true and real.

He patted her head, smoothing down her short, jet black hair. She'd dyed it a few weeks ago, and was counting the years until she could get her lip pierced. But her wide blue eyes still held the love of Tayburn Zoo in there, he knew it.
This was great description again with Holly, this kid seams like she has got a wild future a head of her, I also want to say that I hope to see more of this character though the book. I really liked how you started this chapter of with Patrick as well, I am looking forward to seeing what Dexi and the other are up to.

"It's... it's not good news, honey." He stopped himself and cleared his throat. He'd been a grandfather for over a decade; he could do this. "Holly, what did Josh MacKenzie say to you in the hall? I couldn't really hear through the door."
Well I never imagined him being a grandfather for so long a time as this, also I did not no how long a decade was so I went to go and look it up, so you made me learn something new today, thanks Lol. Also you are making me laugh a lot, I can also see that Partick really does not want to tell Holly anything of the bad news.

---

Well this is humiliating, reflected Treego.
This is a great way to start this next part of the chapter of with Treego and the others, I laughed so hard at this, we when for this very hard part with Patrick how you explained that he cannot tell some stuff, to this funny little bit were it does not sound so hard to explain.

And yes, he thought as he looked down from his little shelf in the underground tunnel, it probably was a bit much to ask someone who usually made spacesuits for grown humans to scale their designs down by a size of several hundred. Not to mention turn it over so he had something that would allow him to walk on all fours.
XD this was funny to read, I always like these funny moments in your story, I can really say that when its funny it gets the reader more interested, because they like something to laugh at while everything else that is more on the focused side is going on as well. so I must say I like every bit of your story. Because you make its so that I can laugh at somethings as well. some of this mite not seem funny to other people but it does make me laugh a lot.

Treego sprang from the shelf to the ceiling of the strange, tube-shaped room. The man was probably going to offer a hand to carry him back to the others, but that was quite enough mocking ammunition for Dexi.
shame pure Treego his a funny character in the story, but some times I just feel sorry for him, also needles just sound horrid. also I can imagine Dexi's face right now, its just settling in my mind and really it seams a little bit funny.

So that is all I can really say about that, another great chapter of your story, also I forgot to say this in the last review of mine, but can you pleas start tagging me again when you post the next chapter to this story? Also thanks for taking the time to read all this, :D I no my review are long sometimes.

@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews




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Sat Nov 02, 2019 11:37 pm
EverLight says...



EverLight here with a review! This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned you may feel offended anyway

First Impression
This was a cute story. I love it! Really, you shouldn't worry how people take your writing. You write what you want to write. No one should ever tell you your writing sucks! Because it doesn't!

Nitpicks
Well, you appear to have a unnecessary comma in this sentence

Holly smiled, but immediately wiped it off her face.

You may want to consider removing the comma by the word smiled.

Here you seem to have tense disagreement-
"The government weren't doing well with 'reverting' the animals back to their 'natural' state. The public pressure was working against them and frankly I don't think they knew what they were doing."

I think that weren't should be wasn't. See how that works?-
''The goverment wasn't doing well with reverting...

And since I'm still on this sentence, you missed a comma by the word frankly.
Here you missed a few words-
Patrick forced the words out his mouth. They tasted cold, felt fuzzy, like he hadn't brushed his teeth.

You missed the word of before his, and the word and before felt.

Here you missed a comma-
They stayed like that for a while, completely still, but finally Patrick's stomach twisted as he realised that this suspension of time was going to have to stop.

You need a comma by the word finally.

Here you missed a question mark-
But couldn't a little bit more care be put into not sticking him with a needle.

You need a question mark, not a comma by the end of that.

Here you may want to add a comma by the word literally
The government had apparently wanted to keep this whole thing as secret as possible, so they'd only hired one goddam guy to make all of the spacesuits, which meant that literally everyone he'd ever known at the zoo was staring at him as the needle came for him.

Other then that you did well with your puctuation! (:

Style & Flow
Your style is flawless

Overall, you did quite a charming job! Nice going! I hope more people view your work!

EverLight Out




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Sat Nov 02, 2019 11:37 pm
EverLight wrote a review...



EverLight here with a review! This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned you may feel offended anyway

First Impression
This was a cute story. I love it! Really, you shouldn't worry how people take your writing. You write what you want to write. No one should ever tell you your writing sucks! Because it doesn't!

Nitpicks
Well, you appear to have a unnecessary comma in this sentence

Holly smiled, but immediately wiped it off her face.

You may want to consider removing the comma by the word smiled.

Here you seem to have tense disagreement-
"The government weren't doing well with 'reverting' the animals back to their 'natural' state. The public pressure was working against them and frankly I don't think they knew what they were doing."

I think that weren't should be wasn't. See how that works?-
''The goverment wasn't doing well with reverting...

And since I'm still on this sentence, you missed a comma by the word frankly.
Here you missed a few words-
Patrick forced the words out his mouth. They tasted cold, felt fuzzy, like he hadn't brushed his teeth.

You missed the word of before his, and the word and before felt.

Here you missed a comma-
They stayed like that for a while, completely still, but finally Patrick's stomach twisted as he realised that this suspension of time was going to have to stop.

You need a comma by the word finally.

Here you missed a question mark-
But couldn't a little bit more care be put into not sticking him with a needle.

You need a question mark, not a comma by the end of that.

Here you may want to add a comma by the word literally
The government had apparently wanted to keep this whole thing as secret as possible, so they'd only hired one goddam guy to make all of the spacesuits, which meant that literally everyone he'd ever known at the zoo was staring at him as the needle came for him.

Other then that you did well with your puctuation! (:

Style & Flow
Your style is flawless

Overall, you did quite a charming job! Nice going! I hope more people view your work!

EverLight Out




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Sat Oct 12, 2019 6:19 pm
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LadyMysterio wrote a review...



Hey good story! I love the title.
I like how you switch from Patricks to, Treego's perspective, I find it's an interesting way to tell a story, as you get a perspective from more than one person.
I didn't really find any errors in this, except this one sentence: 'but her hurried stride into the kitchen once she'd alerted Patrick of MacKenzie's arrival told him she still wasn't happy to have the children around so much drama.'
It's a bit on the long side, I would suggest adding a comma in there.
I hope you get a few more reviews!

-Lady Mysterio.





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