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Young Writers Society



Unorthodox Thieves (Chap.2): Explanations

by EnderFlash


*I am back and ready to try and make this chapter better than before! I probably failed. This chapter is nothing but exposition, more exposition, and crappy dialogue. Really, I should’ve shoved this exposition into the first chapter >_>

===

“Is it just me, or is this place gaining some color?” Lucius, now sitting down, looked around the area him and Chris were in. When he first entered, it was pure white, but now it seemed to be tinged with spots of green and brown.

“We’re probably being moved somewhere,” Chris replied, shrugging. When met with Lucius’ confused gaze, he rolled his eyes. “Oh, come on. It’s unlikely that whatever that voice promised us is going to happen here, in the middle of nowhere.”

“You trust it? The voice, I mean.” Lucius quirked an eyebrow, having pegged Chris as a narrow-minded person.

“What else am I to do? There isn’t much else to believe in right now, when a door impossibly appears out of nowhere to take you to an unidentified place,” Chris said, his words annoyingly true.

Lucius didn’t reply, instead putting his chin in his palm and observing his increasingly colorful surroundings. A few awkward minutes passed between the two, neither of them willing nor wanting to start a conversation.

Finally, Lucius turned and brought up something that was really nagging him. “Hey, Priss!”

“It’s Chris,” the brown-haired man said, twitching his eye and face arranged in a scowl.

“Close enough,” Lucius shrugged, giving the other person an irritating grin, “but anyways, you had a dream before coming here, right?”

Chris blinked. “Yes.”

“Who’d you think that voice was?” Lucius really didn’t want to call it the ‘omnipresent mysterious voice’ for the rest of his life. That was a mouthful.

“To be honest, I think it’d be more accurate to ask what-“ Chris paused as the environment began to warp, the blurry shapes rippling before solidifying into trees and bushes. The ground below them transformed into a grassy terrain within seconds. A breeze that wasn’t there before swept through the newly formed forest, rustling leafy branches. When the two men looked up, the endless white was replaced by a dark nighttime sky with stars peeping through the heavy clouds.

Most importantly, possibly, was the short, brown-haired girl who now stood before them, her face mirroring theirs of absolute shock.

Chris and Lucius blinked, staring at the girl. She stared back, frozen in the process of taking something out of her long sweater sleeves.

“Oh my gosh please don’t kill me bye I’m going to run now!” The girl unfroze and spun on her heel, her voice and expression that of panic.

Lucius acted quickly even though he didn’t know what was going on, grabbing the girl by the collar before she could properly run off. Once she was temporarily stopped, he took hold of her shoulders and forced her to face him. “Calm down! We won’t hurt you! In fact, we don’t even know where we are.”

“Oh, that explains why you appeared out of nowhere,” the girl said, visibly relieved. Outright horror faded into small traces of wariness. “You’ve just been selected by the door, right?”

“There are more people?” Chris abruptly asked, standing a bit behind Lucius. He was kneeling, feeling the grass as if making sure it was really there. In all fairness, teleportation was a strange thing and could be temporarily mistaken a hallucination, since hallucinations were definitely more likely than teleporting.

“Right, this is going to take a while,” the girl rolled her eyes, putting her hands on Lucius’ arms. “Can you let go of me? Thanks. First things first. My name’s Wila Lowell, and I’m going to be your personal tour guide tonight!” She struck a pose, complete with thumbs up and a smile.

“Right, well, I’m Lucius, this prick is Chris-“

“Hey!”

“-And we will gladly take your offer.” Lucius put on a warm smile, although doing so made Wila flinch. Strange; he thought that such a gesture would be welcoming.

“R-right,” Wila said, fiercely nodding her head. She gestured to the ground, sitting down herself and leaning against a thick tree. “Why don’t you guys sit down? This is going to take a while.”

Lucius went down as well, legs out in front of him. Chris, however, shook his head and stood.

“Your loss.” Wila made herself as comfortable as she could against a tree, putting her hands back in her sleeves before talking. “Alright, this is my first time being the explainer, so listen up! This place we’re in, I have no idea what it’s called. No one ever bothered to give it a name, I guess, so we just call it the arena. By ‘we’, I mean everyone who came here with a weird dream and through the white door, which is, well, everyone here.”

“What are the requirements for being selected by the door?” Chris asked.

“To be honest, I’m not completely sure, but if the info I got from the groups I travelled with is correct, everyone who came here wants something. Fame, revenge, revival, something like that.” Wila shrugged, looking a bit troubled. “Personally, I came here for my mom, but there’s no way I can kill someone for her…” She shivered at the thought.

Lucius’ heart reached out for the young girl. She couldn’t have been more than eighteen or nineteen, and he couldn’t help but think of his sister every time he looked at Wila. However, one part of her words stuck out to him. “For her? There’s a connection between helping your mother and killing someone?”

Wila bit her lip and seemed to develop a great interest in her shoes. “Remember how I said everyone came here for a reason? Well, here’s the catch to this arena: Take something from someone, and you can get that something back yourself.”

Despite Wila’s rather poor explanation, Lucius immediately knew what that could mean and held his breath. “So it’s an exchange system? Kill someone, and you bring another back a life?”

“Yeah.” The girl looked up at Lucius and Chris, tucking her knees to her chest and watching them for any dangerous movements, clearly not trusting them yet despite her friendly demeanor. “Although it seems to be pretty vague, since the definition of what you want varies from person to person. For example, stealing a starving person’s fortune, which could be a loaf of bread for them, allows you to get a fortune of any sorts for someone outside this arena.”

“Isn’t that too easy?” Chris skeptically eyed Wila. “I would imagine the entire world would be already be overrun with riches if that’s how it happened.”

Wila shrugged. “Hey, I’m only relaying what I heard from others. The only other thing I’m sure of, though, is that whatever you do has to be done whole-heartedly. Meaning, if you try to exploit this system by ‘stealing’ worthless things among friends, nothing’s going to happen. Same thing if you take something while planning to give it back. To be honest, this whole thing’s really confusing and I have no idea what magic stuff powers it nor why this even happens. I just know it can happen.”

“Remind me, how do you know such an exchange happens again?” Chris asked, raising an eyebrow. “Since we’re apparently stuck in this arena, how does anyone find out?”

Wila seemed prepared for that question, taking her right hand out of her sleeve and pointing upwards. “First step: Kill someone. Second step: Ask for respective person back. Third step: Dream-omnipresent voice says it’s done through weird telepathic powers,” the girl counted, lifting a finger with each step she mentioned. Then, she stared pointedly at Chris. “If you’ve been through all this already, you might as well trust the being that took you here. Otherwise, there’s no point.”

“Surely most people don’t believe in such unreliable sources.” Even as Lucius said that with an even, doubtful tone, his heart raced as he thought about the possibilities he could do with such a rule. Since he apparently didn’t exist anymore, if he went along with what the voice said, he would have to kill one… no, two or three people to bring back Arianna and her parents.

Wila didn’t answer Lucius’ words, as if she already knew what he was really thinking. She stared at the two of them, contemplating something.

Then, Chris wordlessly turned to leave. He had only taken one step before Lucius noticed and called him out.

“Where are you going?” Lucius glared at the brown-haired man.

“Leaving, of course,” Chris said, twisting his neck to face them. “I have no assurance that you won’t stab me in the back while I sleep, made worse back the fact that you obviously don’t like me.” Then, without allowing Lucius a retort, he walked off, soon disappearing amongst the heavy vegetation and shadows.

Lucius growled at Chris’ easy dismissal of him, even if he agreed with Chris’ reasoning. He got up as well, dipping his head towards Wila. “Thanks. I guess I’ll be going, too.”

“Wait!” Wila got to her feet lightning-fast, latching onto Lucius’ coat sleeve. “Can I… go with you?” She stared at him with those bright, hazel orbs that made it so much harder to refuse.

Lucius was understandably surprised and more than a little distrusting of her sudden behavior. “Why?”

“To be honest, I don’t like travelling alone. Having someone watch my back makes me feel better. I’ve got the same danger risk of travelling with you as anyone else, so why not?” Wila gave him a sympathetic smile. “You have a younger sibling, don’t you?”

Lucius flinched, roughly pulling his arm out of her grip and taking a wary step backwards. “How do you know?”

“It’s kind of obvious. You look at me as if I remind you of someone you are close to, and a family member would be the most common choice.” Wila’s smile turned a little sadder. “I have two little brothers, too, so I’d know.”

There was a brief silence, before Lucius sighed. “Alright,” he muttered, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “We can travel together for now, if only for the reason that you know more about this place and its occupants than me.” He walked right past her, but did a one-shoulder shrug as he passed as a motion for her to follow.

“Yay!” Wila grinned and matched his pace, reaching to grab his arm once again.

“Not yet,” Lucius snapped, dodging out of her hug.

“Oh, alright.” Wila pouted but stayed a couple inches away from him, and the two of them walked through the dark woods, an awkward silence hanging between them. Somewhere in the distance, a bird’s screech –a hawk?- pierced the night.


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69 Reviews


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Tue Feb 23, 2016 7:34 pm
WillowCutz says...



This is the second half of the review below it. Sorry, I had to leave before I could finish, so I had to write this in two parts.

“Where are you going?” Lucius glared at the brown-haired man.

You’ve mentioned that he has brown hair quite a few times now. If you don’t want to call him “Christopher” or “him” you could try referring to him as his actions or his expression. “Lucius glared at the inflamed man.” Or “at the hesitant man.” Etc.

“To be honest, I don’t like travelling alone. Having someone watch my back makes me feel better. I’ve got the same danger risk of travelling with you as anyone else, so why not?” Wila gave him a sympathetic smile. “You have a younger sibling, don’t you?”

Between “traveling alone.” And “Having someone” would be a great opportunity for her to show some expression. I imagine she’s saying this shyly, maybe she’s twisting her hands together nervously or tilting her head down. She seems to be uneasy around people, right? So show me that unease like you did earlier with the sleeves (which actually did make her look, like, 8, but it was a good line)

“It’s kind of obvious. You look at me as if I remind you of someone you are close to, and a family member would be the most common choice.” Wila’s smile turned a little sadder. “I have two little brothers, too, so I’d know.”

How DOES she know? It’s not really THAT obvious. This revelation might be better expressed later when the two have spent more time together. When she has some actual opinion of him or even if you want to crush his baby heart into smithereens with the feels. I’d like to see him think about his sister later when he’s low and see how that completely crushes him. (It’s more entertaining) Either way, it’s too soon for her to know (unless she has some sort of Sherlock superpowers or she’s seen a lot of kids like him)

“We can travel together for now, if only for the reason that you know more about this place and its occupants than me.”

“and it’s occupants” Unnatural phrasing really.




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Mon Feb 22, 2016 8:30 pm
WillowCutz wrote a review...



“Lucius, now sitting down, looked around the area him and Chris were in.”

Area isn’t the best word. Try a more descriptive alternative like “space” or “blank space” or maybe “whiteness” (okay maybe not these options) this is a perfect opportunity to insert some description. Also Chris, I said this before, needs to be Christopher unless a nickname has been explicitly given.

“When he first entered, it was pure white, but now it seemed to be tinged with spots of green and brown.”

Spots sounds too big to me. Don’t know why, may be just me.

““Oh, come on. It’s unlikely that whatever that voice promised us is going to happen here, in the middle of nowhere.”
“You trust it? The voice, I mean.” Lucius quirked an eyebrow, having pegged Chris as a narrow-minded person.”

This is a weird response. He says it’s not going to happen here, and Lucius responds by asking if he trusts it. It feels out of context, especially with the “pegging chris” bit. If he’s really worried about trusting this voice he would be more concerned, and more serious. They ARE BOTH IN THIS TOGETHER, and I think Lucius is starting to understand that, just by his question. Especially given that Chris’s response also sounds like he understands that.

““What else am I to do? There isn’t much else to believe in right now, when a door impossibly appears out of nowhere to take you to an unidentified place,” Chris said, his words annoyingly true.”

Look at the second sentence. And “Chris said” that’s an indescript dialogue tag right there. How does he say this? Because in this scenario I can’t tell if he’s saying it like a prat or in resignation.

““Close enough,” Lucius shrugged, giving the other person an irritating grin, “but anyways, you had a dream before coming here, right?””

“the other person” given that in this scenario we know who that is, it’s not the best way to refer to him. If you want to change up your wording, or really don’t want to use “him” I suggest doing it in a way that refers specifically to him rather than one that could refer to anyone (like the Pidgeon even (btw what’s the pidgeon up to? Haven’t heard about him lately. He could be an interesting creature to use even when describing Chris. Like if he moves or gets irritated, it could affect the bird))

““Who’d you think that voice was?””

Who do

“A breeze that wasn’t there before swept through the newly formed forest, rustling leafy branches.”

I hate to do this, but, how does that make them feel? Like did THEY notice that there wasn’t any breeze before, or were they caught off guard? Try tying some of the new description into how the characters react to it, just to see if it makes them more dynamic rather than passively observing the scenery.

““There are more people?” Chris abruptly asked, standing a bit behind Lucius. He was kneeling, feeling the grass as if making sure it was really there.”

I know that it’s abrupt, but how did he saw it? Was it commanding or nervous or… Also is he standing or kneeling?

““Can you let go of me? Thanks. First things first. My name’s Wila Lowell,”

It might be good to break up the dialogue here between “thanks” and “First things” How is she standing when he puts her down? Does the small girl look commanding? Or relaxed?

“She struck a pose,”

What kind of pose?

““-And we will gladly take your offer.” Lucius put on a warm smile, although doing so made Wila flinch. Strange; he thought that such a gesture would be welcoming.”

Put on or just smiled? Is he a serious poker playing, manipulating, bond type or a kind brother who cares for his JUST AS YOUNG sister?

“No one ever bothered to give it a name, I guess, so we just call it the arena. “

Arena.

“By ‘we’, I mean everyone who came here with a weird dream and through the white door, which is, well, everyone here.”
“What are the requirements for being selected by the door?” Chris asked.”

Did she not have anything more to explain or did he interrupt her?

“ “Personally, I came here for my mom, but there’s no way I cankill someone for her…” She shivered at the thought.
Lucius’ heart reached out for the young girl. She couldn’t have been more than eighteen or nineteen, and he couldn’t help but think of his sister every time he looked at Wila. However, one part of her words stuck out to him. “For her? There’s a connection between helping your mother and killing someone?””

KILL! When did they mention killing people? Does that catch anyone else off guard but me? Also I honestly thought she was like 8 or something.

“ “So it’s an exchange system? Kill someone, and you bring another back a life?””

Or… give someone a horrible disease and cure someone elses!!!

Okay I’m gonna come back to this later, but I’m in school and have to leave :(




WillowCutz says...


%u201CWhere are you going?%u201D Lucius glared at the brown-haired man.

You%u2019ve mentioned that he has brown hair quite a few times now. If you don%u2019t want to call him %u201CChristopher%u201D or %u201Chim%u201D you could try referring to him as his actions or his expression. %u201CLucius glared at the inflamed man.%u201D Or %u201Cat the hesitant man.%u201D Etc.

%u201CTo be honest, I don%u2019t like travelling alone. Having someone watch my back makes me feel better. I%u2019ve got the same danger risk of travelling with you as anyone else, so why not?%u201D Wila gave him a sympathetic smile. %u201CYou have a younger sibling, don%u2019t you?%u201D

Between %u201Ctraveling alone.%u201D And %u201CHaving someone%u201D would be a great opportunity for her to show some expression. I imagine she%u2019s saying this shyly, maybe she%u2019s twisting her hands together nervously or tilting her head down. She seems to be uneasy around people, right? So show me that unease like you did earlier with the sleeves (which actually did make her look, like, 8, but it was a good line)

%u201CIt%u2019s kind of obvious. You look at me as if I remind you of someone you are close to, and a family member would be the most common choice.%u201D Wila%u2019s smile turned a little sadder. %u201CI have two little brothers, too, so I%u2019d know.%u201D

How DOES she know? It%u2019s not really THAT obvious. This revelation might be better expressed later when the two have spent more time together. When she has some actual opinion of him or even if you want to crush his baby heart into smithereens with the feels. I%u2019d like to see him think about his sister later when he%u2019s low and see how that completely crushes him. (It%u2019s more entertaining) Either way, it%u2019s too soon for her to know (unless she has some sort of Sherlock superpowers or she%u2019s seen a lot of kids like him)

%u201CWe can travel together for now, if only for the reason that you know more about this place and its occupants than me.%u201D

%u201Cand it%u2019s occupants%u201D Unnatural phrasing really.



WillowCutz says...


Note: the reply system does not know what quotation marks are.(sorry bout that. I'M GONNA POST THE SECOND HALF OF MY REVIEW ABOVE!



EnderFlash says...


xD Took one look at that reply and went "OKAY WUT". Glad to know you're reposting.



EnderFlash says...


Arena indeed. Pfft, what is creativity?



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Tue Aug 04, 2015 11:15 am
TinkerTwaggy wrote a review...



Well I'm freakin' late. Oh well, at least I'm finally here. And Buggie already summed up quite a few things, sooooo... My turn!

I. Impressions of the Shell Master!

A. This chapter... This chapter was really interesting. And no actually, you did well NOT shoving this exposition in the first chapter Or rather... You could've, but the pace would've been different. I like the fact that it takes a little bit of time for this world to be built, and I like how they have to kill people or steal stuff to get what they want, it all feels like a dastardly genie was granting them wishes according to how much they want them.
It's ominous. It's cruel. It's... Magnificent :3

B. "Priss?" SERIOUSLY Lucius XD Too bad Chris left already, but I'm pretty sure we'll get to see him again later on.

C. I like Wila. She reminds me of an innocent version of Rue from Hunger Games.
...Which is exactly why I'm worried about her later adventures.

D. Wila's right. Image


End of the Impressions!


II. Conclusion!

No suggestions this time either, and Buggie pretty much nailed the nitpicks. No suggestions because I really like this chapter, and I'm just looking forward to the next one, which i shall read ASAP! You did answer my prevous questions and developped the plot, so I'm glad that happened. I feel like I'm playing Dishonored with this whole thing, lol.

Keep on writing, m'dear! This story's definitely going to get more and more interesting as this goes on.
Do your best, girl!

~Shell Master Tortwag~




EnderFlash says...


THAT GIF. THAT RAP.



TinkerTwaggy says...


I had to. And you're welcome ;)



EnderFlash says...


Also, I've never actually played Dishonored. Whattya mean by that?



TinkerTwaggy says...


Oh, sorry, never got to answer that. @EnderFlash
Dishonored is a game in which you're bascially an assssine who has to kill several targets throughout the game in order to get himself some answers.

With the whole wish thing, that's exactly what it feels like. "Wanna get a better life or fulfill your objective? Kill people for meh :3"



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Sun Jul 26, 2015 6:03 am
Ventomology wrote a review...



Yo!

Your companion, Buggie, has arrived to review. I'll give a few notes, and then go on to give my impressions of the story and characters so far.

Note 1: Hanging prepositions and separable-prefix-verbs are two very different things. (For purposes of explanation, I have stolen the term "separable-prefix-verb" from my German class. I'm not exactly sure if we have an official term for this thing in English.)

Lucius, now sitting down, looked around the area him and Chris were in.
I know there are a lot of instances where you do have a preposition at the end of a phrase. When you 'blow something up,' you get the ending-preposition, and when you 'put something away,' it's the same idea. These are called "separable-prefixes." These kinds of words exist a lot in other languages too, and would not make sense unless you separated and kicked the prefix to the end, because they are technically part of the word.

On the other end, there are words that do not require prepositions. Usually, if the preposition goes with a state-of-being verb, then it is not a separable-prefix. (There are a few other cases, but it's memorization, and that's way too much work.) This is why ending with the phrase "were in" as part of a dependent clause sounds a bit odd and makes you blink a few times when reading it aloud. It's actually incorrect. (Now, ending with a complete prepositional phrase, like "they were in a room is not hanging, and is totally correct.)

The way to fix this is to reword it as "the room in which they were," but this sounds totally awkward. It's usually best to simply scrap and rewrite sentences like this.

Note 2: Less is more.

There are actually a couple of things I can group under this.

1) You have a tendency to write long sentences with a lot of dependent clauses and phrases. That's part of your style, and there's nothing wrong with it. I noticed though, that they are difficult to follow. Sort of like reading those old philosophy books, but you're way less dry. When you write long sentences, examine them to make sure everything is in an order that makes sense and that you haven't just been tacking on details. If it's hard to read out loud or gets a little confusing, break it or reword it.

2) There is such a thing as too much description. I mean this for both adjectives and adverbs (as you have probably heard the phrase, "adverbs are not your friend"). Personally, I find both helpful tools. I also make sure that I am using the most concise words in my lexicon. Example:
Lucius flinched, roughly pulling his arm out of her grip and taking a wary step backwards.
By itself, there is nothing wrong with this sentence. It is out of context. In the grand scheme though, there is a pattern. You like to use extra words for description rather than finding something more precise that involves fewer words. As a fix, you can replace "roughly pulling" with something really strong like "jerking" or "ripping." "Wary" is a word you technically can leave in, but if you've already got an adverb in the sentence, "wary" will leave a bit too many words on the tongue.

And... now for my impressions. (By the way, I'm sorry for taking so much space with those two. I received comments on these points a while ago, and it took ages to actually comprehend what they meant, so I figured I'd explain it really in-depth.)

1. I love the way Lucius calls Chris names. I mean, it's sort of mean, and I have this sinking feeling that it will come back to bite him someday, but the insults are pretty clever.

2. Wila makes me a bit wary. She's too nice, and I feel like she'll be very tragic and will either die, betray someone, or both. I am definitely waiting on the characterization for her and am excited to see what sort of person she is underneath, or if she wears her heart on her sleeve.

3. Plopping your characters straight into the mess of the story is my favorite way of doing pacing. Having nice people who explain things when your characters meet the problem is also helpful. This was a chapter that passed through world-building, rising action, and characterization guidelines with energy left over. Nice job!

Well then, I'll see you next week. Thanks for the review!
-Buggie




EnderFlash says...


Helpful review is helpful! Thank you so much :>




According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.
— The Bee Movie