*Back! This time, I have the reference pictures for Wila and Arianna. I got them from art trades on Instagram!
Wila (art credit to @psycho_tortoise on IG) :
Arianna (art credit to @doctoramall on IG):
Let’s get this started! (I swear I only have the fun parts mapped out and everything else, including this, is left to be done on the spot)
===
“You’re taking this surprisingly well.” Wila bent down to pick up a long branch. The two were clearing the ground for the night. Well, the night for Wila, anyways, since Lucius had technically just woken up and wasn’t sleepy at all.
“Taking what?” Lucius kicked two smaller twigs away, still keeping his distance from her.
“The whole dropped into a fantasy death arena thing,” the girl said, rolling her eyes. She twirled around to face him. “I’ve seen people freak out over it before, vehemently deny it, all that. I expected you to do something along those lines.”
Lucius rubbed the back of his neck, shrugging at the same time. “I won’t accept things without evidence, but if convincing proof is presented to me, I might as well believe it. It makes things easier for everyone if there isn’t someone trying to deny everything that comes along.”
Wila stared at him for a while, before breaking into a grin. “You know what? You aren’t so bad after all. I think I made the right choice to stick to you!”
“Good for you. Unfortunately, I don’t agree.” Lucius crossed his arms and fixed her with a challenging look, daring her to complain about that. “You don’t have my unwavering trust just yet.”
“That’s right,” Wila began, sitting down. “Not yet!” She gave him a triumphant grin and wagged her finger at him, falling onto her back as she did. “One day, you will fall to my undeniable charms and we shall become the warriors of legend! Okay, not so much that last part, but you get my drift.”
“You’re way too dramatic,” Lucius scoffed and rolled his eyes, but his words had a softer edge to them and were more for playful bantering than anything.
“I’ve been told. I have to be, if I want to become an actor.” Wila rolled onto her side, tucking her hands underneath her chin and curling up. She was looked ready to go to sleep, but her open eyes said otherwise.
“An actor?” Lucius frowned. “What’s that?”
There was a flurry of movement as Wila sat back up, staring at him. “You’re kidding.” When she saw his genuine confusion, she groaned and ran her sleeve over her face. “Where have you been living all your life?”
Lucius didn’t respond to that. He doubted that Wila would even know the name of his backwater hometown, anyways. Instead, he tensed, his ears detecting a faint shout. “Do you hear that?”
“Hear what?” Even as she said that, Wila was getting to her feet, sleep forgotten. There was another yell, coming from much closer than before, and this time, she heard it too. “Hide!”
Lucius barely had time to register what she meant before Wila took off for a nearby tree, pulling herself up with its low-hanging branches. She was still scrambling up when the Lucius snapped out of his stupor, cursing Wila under his breath. In the next second, a large man wielding a small, bent pole came into view, tearing through the undergrowth like a tiger was on his heels. Since Lucius knew he had been spotted, he backed away towards a tree without taking his eyes off the unknown man. As the stranger drew closer, Lucius noted with mild surprise that the person wore a terrified expression and had blood dripping down his forehead.
“Out of my way!” Instead of attacking like expected, the man shoved Lucius to the side and continued running.
Moments later, more footsteps ensued and someone stopped besides Lucius. “That rascal!” The newcomer was a young lady with long black hair tied in a ponytail. The more disconcerting detail was the thick, blood-splattered branch she hefted over her shoulder, its sides slanted to resemble a baseball bat. She turned to Lucius with an apologetic expression that greatly contrasted her previous rage. “Are you okay?
“Yes,” Lucius quickly replied, his mouth working faster than his mind. He stopped himself from backing away, fearing that it would offend her. Angering a girl who seemed to know how to use her huge weapon would not be a good idea.
“Good!” She patted him on the shoulder. “You see, I saw him trying to ambush a lost person who had strayed from the group, so naturally, I tried to knock him out before he could. After a couple beatings he ran away, as you can see. Coward.”
Who wouldn’t?, Lucius thought, nervously glancing at her weapon. “Um, where’d you get that?” he lamely asked, pointing at the intimidating branch in her hands.
“Oh this?” The girl fondly smiled and swung it downwards, hitting the ground with a loud thunk. Now that the branch was in full view, Lucius could see the worrying amount of dried blood that caked it. “I found this stick on the ground a while back, and I wore it down until I could wield it like a baseball bat. Used to play that sport, you know. I was a great batter.”
Lucius nodded, a strained smile plastered on his face. It was then that he remembered Wila, who was still hiding in the tree. “Wila! Get over here!” There was no way he was going to let her worm her way out of this situation.
“You have a friend?” The still-unnamed female looked around for any sign of another person.
There were some rustling sounds before Wila slid down the trunk, frowning at Lucius. She approached the duo, staring at the other girl with a borderline fearful look. It probably had something to do with the bloody weapon.
“Thanks,” she hissed, jabbing Lucius in the ribs with her elbow. Wila adopted a cheerful expression as she turned to the newcomer. “Hello there! My name’s Wila, and this guy’s Lucius. May we know yours?”
“I’m named Reyna, nice to meet you.” Reyna held out her right hand since her left one was occupied with gripping the branch.
Wila returned the favor, shaking her hand. Lucius mimicked her actions, hoping that he was doing the handshake correctly.
“Say, have we met before?” Reyna peered at Wila, scrunching her eyebrows. The black-haired girl wore a confused expression as she tried to place where she had seen the other female. “You look familiar.”
Now it was Wila’s turn to look confused. “Have you? I don’t think so.”
“Huh.” Reyna looked over Wila one last time and shrugged. “I guess I saw someone who just looks similar.” Her eyes widened. “Oh crap! I have to get back!”
“’Get back’? To where?” Lucius gave Reyna a questioning look.
“You didn’t think I travelled alone, did you?” Reyna laughed, lifting the bat back over her shoulder. “That’s too lonely for someone like me. I survive with three others.”
“Is that so?” Lucius looked away, thinking something over. Wila seemed to realize what he was going to do before he did it, because an indignant expression overcame her and she opened her mouth to say something. Lucius rushed his next words, preventing her from interfering. “Can we go with you? As in, just for a while? I’m new to this arena, and although Wila was kind enough to help me out, we still don’t really have anywhere to go.”
“Of course!” Reyna agreed all too easily. “I don’t know how my friends would feel though, so I can’t really tell you to stay or go for certain until you’ve met them.”
“Don’t I-“ Wila began, but Lucius poked her in the cheek, causing her to pause and glare at him.
“Thank you.” Lucius dipped his head as a sign of gratitude.
“But,” Reyna said, catching the other two’s attentions. “If you betray and harm any of us, I promise to hunt you down and splay your guts across the ground as revenge.” The last part was said with a serious tone rather than a cheerful one, her cold look biting into them. Then, she reverted to her former self. “Now that we’ve gotten that down, let’s go!” She promptly turned and headed back from where she first came, gesturing for the two to follow her.
Lucius blinked at the drastic changes in her personality and started walking. He thought he heard Wila whisper something about a ‘yandere’, whatever that meant.
“What did you get us into?” Wila reluctantly followed Reyna and Lucius, not expecting that she of all people would be the one to label a decision as reckless. One would think that Lucius would be more sensible, and she strongly hoped that Lucius had a reason for joining other people. It would be a shame if she had to ditch her newfound companion again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
“”The whole dropped into a fantasy death arena thing,” the girl said, rolling her eyes. She twirled around to face him. “I’ve seen people freak out over it before, vehemently deny it, all that. I expected you to do something along those lines.””
So the first line, while ironically adorable, if cheesy and overused. I would consider changing it, but that may just be me. Also, where is Wila in this situation? Are they a few meters apart, feet, etc.? I really don’t know what she is doing right now, or her body language at all. Is she happy to be here with him right now? Is she at all worried about being stabbed in her sleep? Is this part of her plan? To get him all hopped up on backstory so that he won’t kill her? I don’t know. it’s very important that I know where your characters stand at the beginning of a chapter that breaks like this. I don’t know what they’ve done since they’ve been walking. They could have passively changed their minds about the whole idea of working together. They could have gotten tired. I don’t know.
“Lucius rubbed the back of his neck, shrugging at the same time. “I won’t accept things without evidence, but if convincing proof is presented to me, I might as well believe it. It makes things easier for everyone if there isn’t someone trying to deny everything that comes along.””
I tried that first bit, very difficult, especially if you’re also holding a bunch of sticks. Also this dialogue seems too unnatural. Realistically this is a summation of his inner monologue, what he’ll say is probably more guarded or indifferent. Like “I don’t know. I think I got that all out of my system when a door appeared in my bedroom.” (if you want to put in that humor is my only sanity point of view) or “I think Chris did enough for both of us.” or “That wouldn’t help.” (to which she might reply “it doesn’t”)
““Good for you. Unfortunately, I don’t agree.” Lucius crossed his arms and fixed her with a challenging look, daring her to complain about that. “You don’t have my unwavering trust just yet.””
That is such a harsh reply for someone in a world where she could kill him and get her brother saved out of the deal. I suggest just cutting the first linen of dialogue and moving the action down to behind the second. It’s more guarded, safer, and puts him in a position of power (or at least assumed power over Wila)
““You’re way too dramatic,” Lucius scoffed and rolled his eyes, but his words had a softer edge to them and were more for playful bantering than anything.”
Right here, you’re describing what you want him to look like. Leave that to ME to decide if that’s what it looks like CUT THE BANTER BIT. CUT IT!
““I’ve been told. I have to be, if I want to become an actor.” Wila rolled onto her side, tucking her hands underneath her chin and curling up…….. anyways. Instead, he tensed, his ears detecting a faint shout. “Do you hear that?”
I had to abbreviate because this is a long quote here. But the whole section is just off. One her offhandedly saying that she wants to be an actor… not quite the time. She is WAY too trusting for where she lives, and I’d prefer to know this later given that something interesting is going to happen in just a few lines! Also even if he lived in a “backwater hometown” his vocabulary and thought process indicate that he would know what an actor is. If you want to keep this bit about actors and hometowns, extend it a little bit. Have her say she wants to be in actor (in a natural way maybe “I wanted to be an actor” given that this world makes that dream difficult) have him question it (but not THAT far) have her reminisce until he thinks about never seeing a show etc…
“She was still scrambling up when the Lucius snapped out of his stupor, cursing Wila under his breath. In the next second, a large man wielding a small, bent pole came into view, tearing through the undergrowth like a tiger was on his heels. Since Lucius knew he had been spotted, he backed away towards a tree without taking his eyes off the unknown man. As the stranger drew closer, Lucius noted with mild surprise that the person wore a terrified expression and had blood dripping down his forehead.”
HE IS CONFUSED! Not gently jotting down notes as if he were observing the natural wildlife. SPEED THIS UP! CONFUSE EXPRESSIONS! MAKE ME SCARED OF THIS MAN!
“The newcomer was a young lady with long black hair tied in a ponytail.”
The newcomer? Why not, “another person tore through thorny underbrush, a woman with a long black ponytail.” VISUALIZE. Where is she coming from, What is the terrain? How is that affecting her speed, her emotions, her expressions. Am I scared or just mildly annoyed that the company has come early and I haven’t even set out the platters of cheese?
“She turned to Lucius with an apologetic expression that greatly contrasted her previous rage. “Are you okay?”
Was she angry before? Don’t tell me after the fact!
“Angering a girl who seemed to know how to use her huge weapon would not be a good idea.”
No it wouldn’t. Also is she a girl? I wouldn’t know until now. I was thinking tall, slender, 30 year old vaguely Asian, but wearing a Lara-Croft sorta style.
““Good!” She patted him on the shoulder. “You see, I saw him trying to ambush a lost person who had strayed from the group, so naturally, I tried to knock him out before he could. After a couple beatings he ran away, as you can see. Coward.””
Why is she telling me this? It’s so unnatural and unnecessary. Why doesn’t she assume that he would understand all this? And why is she not running after that man. And for that matter… why was he so afraid of her? And “trying” was he hiding behind a bush like a cat when she saw him? This really gives me more questions than answers.
“Who wouldn’t?, Lucius thought, nervously glancing at her weapon. “Um, where’d you get that?” he lamely asked, pointing at the intimidating branch in her hands.”
Love this.
“She approached the duo, staring at the other girl with a borderline fearful look. It probably had something to do with the bloody weapon.”
borderline fear? fear’s just fine thanks. Also… duh it’s because of the weapon. I have eyes man.
“The black-haired girl wore a confused expression as she tried to place where she had seen the other female. “You look familiar.””
I’ve said this before, but given that we know these girls, describing them like this when you could just use their names… it just makes me feel like I don’t even know who they are.
““You didn’t think I travelled alone, did you?” Reyna laughed, lifting the bat back over her shoulder. “That’s too lonely for someone like me. I survive with three others.””
(Or better “My friends (companions, tribe, group, etc)” So much more natural.
“The last part was said with a serious tone rather than a cheerful one, her cold look biting into them.”
Context. I could get all that, FROM CONTEXT.
“Lucius blinked at the drastic changes in her personality and started walking.”
No I understand why he’s dazed. I understand.
“Wila reluctantly followed Reyna and Lucius, not expecting that she of all people would be the one to label a decision as reckless. One would think that Lucius would be more sensible, and she strongly hoped that Lucius had a reason for joining other people. It would be a shame if she had to ditch her new found companion again.”
SO…… They don’t know each other well enough to be expecting them not to be reckless. They’re been here for, like three hours or whatever. They don’t know each other that well, Wila has already ditched him to run up a tree. And Then you like change point of views out of nowhere. Like up until this last sentence it had been third person, but limited to Luke’s thoughts and actions. You can do third person unlimited, but it must be consistently that. Not hopping subjects out of nowhere.
Overall…. not your strongest chapter. The dialogue was unnatural, secrets and ambitions were shared way too liberally, and some things were too explicitly stated. I loved the story line arch in this chapter, especially seeing Reyna and how she interacts as well as the man she was chasing practically peeing his pants as he ran, but it needs to be worked up. Majorly worked up. Because I know you can describe things, and I know how Luke reacts to weird stuff at this point.
Heya! I have (finally) arrived.
Anyways, I'll get on with the party now.
Note 1: Don't be afraid to experiment with new devices.
Your writing has already improved since chapter one. The verbs are somewhat stronger, the flow seems a bit more, well, flow-ey, and your dialogue and punctuation are getting more consistent. This is all fine and dandy, and you deserve lots of cheering for it. (Hip, hip, hooray!)
I might suggest though, once you feel comfortable (or if you already do), that you try a hand at different methods of description every so often. Even action can be changed into metaphor and simile, so if you come to a spot in your writing and think "I could totally spruce this up, but how?" just remember this. (I'm sure you're familiar with metaphor, simile, and personification, I simply think you could get more creative about using them.)
Note 2: Adverbs are not your friend.
I know I just complimented you on your verbs, and they are truly stronger as a whole. You've just still got a ton of adverbs hanging around, and they clutter your writing, especially when you write more than one per paragraph.
The whole "Adverbs are not your friend" thing doesn't mean you should totally ditch them though. Adverbs are fair-weather friends meant for the occasional "not-enough-people-for-this-event" jaunt. When you see more than one adverb in a paragraph, try and see if there's a way to reword things so one of them goes away.
You can also type your adverbial phrase into google and see if there's a verb fitting that description that might come up. I sometimes cheat like that.
Anyways, moving on:
Impressions!
1. Somehow, this chapter makes me trust Willa more and develop a dislike of Reyna. You probably did this on purpose, so job well done. I am not sure where things will go from this either, which is also excellent. (I just hope Willa is the one who ends up being trustworthy. I like her more.)
2. Plot-wise, you have created a lovely scenario with this chapter. There are likely many high-emotion paths this situation can take, and guessing which one you'll choose is driving me insane. Incredible plot-twists seem like they'll make several appearances.
3. The tone of this novel throws me off sometimes. After reading Tort's work, I come into this thinking about fantasy with knights and armor, and I forget that these kids are in more modern times. Occasional hints about clothing would probably help with this, but you're fine as is. (I'm just terrible at figuring out what's going on.)
Anyways, I hope this was helpful, and I'll catch you again later!
-Buggie
If you want to know, expect a rough balance of humor and blood. I can't bear to keep things dark for extended periods of time, even if that's the point, so then I plop in inappropiate humor.
Wooooow, I'm first? Everyone else IS busy indeed :O
One thing, before startin' the impressions...
"She was looked ready to go to sleep" <-- As you can see, "was looked" should be replaced by just "looked".
That aside...
I. Impressions of the Shell Master!
A. Entrance: check.
Baseball bat: check.
Tomboyish behavior due to holding a big scary weapon: check.
Marvellously menacing words towards strangers: check.
Reyna gets a 10 outta 10. She... Is... PERFECT.
B. Ah. I thought Wila was a bit too nice. Interesting to learn she had a few bad experiences before.
C. Yay, more characters to discover next chapter! Neat. Let's see how you handle these.
D. Lucius doesn't know what an actor is. Huh. That means he has a severe lack of knowledge about the world, which might not come in handy at all later on. Well that's a shame.
It's also kinda... dangerous to know that Wila wants to be an actress. Wonder how good of a liar she'll become later on.
II. Conclusion!
Short piece, but you introduced Reyna nicely. Too bad Lucius' behavior destroyed the rising "BFF" feeling that was bein' introduced between him and Wila though, but I guess that'll have to be developped later on as well.
Keep on writing, m'dear! You provided us readers with a wonderful promise that is the discovery of brand new characters, and that's definitely something I'm looking for in the next chapter. Cheers!
~Shell Master Tortwag~